30 lessons learned in 30 years about how (not) to treat other people.
This is my personal experience. Take it or leave it.
These lessons are universal as far as I’m aware. Some of them come from bad things I suffered and vowed never to do onto others; Other ones come from my own past mistakes I wish I could time-travel and undo.
Feel free to correct me if you’d like, but beware of trolling — if you try to pass off a rare exception as the rule, I’ll just double down on the absurdity in my reply. You’ve been warned. My blog is not a very fertile ground for disingenuous comments.
On a more positive note, if you have more lessons of your own to add, by all means feel free to let me know in the comments. I’m always welcoming and warm to people who comment in good faith.
1. Interact first, make assumptions later.
Some people are prone to making a ton of assumptions; others don’t feel that need too often. It will depend on personality, culture, and other factors. But I’m not shunning anyone’s assumption-making habit. It’s a very human thing to do, perfectly okay. The thing I’m suggesting is: if at all possible, DELAY THE ASSUMPTION. For example, instead of instantly assuming someone is “this” or “that” just because of how they look, maybe try talking to them first. Instead of assuming someone is “this” or “that” just because of what they told you, try observing them over time and seeing if it’s true first. Etc.
2. It’s okay to have fears, but it’s not okay to let these fears control you.
“I’m unsure of this crowd because they represent a scary unknown to me”, maybe you think, even without admitting. Understandable. Just don’t let it escalate to “this crowd is bad because I decided so, without even getting to know them”. At some point, you will have to deal with things you aren’t fully comfortable with. That’s life. I have arachnophobia — do you think I stay away from the garden? Hell no. I garden despite the possibility of seeing spiders.
3. If in doubt, be transparent (within reason).
I say “within reason” because OF COURSE it’s best not to open up to the officer who is arresting you — just stay silent until you have a lawyer. But in the vast majority of interactions with people, there isn’t such a strict hierarchy at play. So, if in doubt, be transparent. “Oh, I’m nervous” — tell the person you’re nervous and not feeling at ease! “Oh but they will judge me” — okay, I hear you… But tell me: IF you’re right (and chances are you aren’t, you’re just worrying, but on the off chance you might be right) and this person is in fact judgemental, why try to prevent that? Judgemental people… Judge. It’s what they do. And you can’t hide a feeling forever. Do you wanna be judged for it straight away, or much later? That’s the only thing you can control here, and in my view, it’s a bit useless.
4. Everyone has an agenda. Everyone. Absolutely everyone.
…And not every agenda is “evil”. In fact, very few agendas are evil. Very few people are psychopaths. The rest of us is just average, like you and I. Nonetheless, everyone HAS an agenda. Most of the times, you won’t know what the agenda is, or how many agendas there are — but you can be sure it exists. At least one agenda is behind what this person is saying and doing. So, take people’s words and actions with a grain of salt, don’t “worship” anyone, and trust your gut.
5. Disbelieving isn’t the same as invalidating. Do disbelieve, but NEVER invalidate.
“Flat Earth” is not a belief, it’s a misconception (because science disproves it beyond any doubt). Religion, on the other hand, IS a belief (it’s a set of moral lessons, science has nothing to do with it; And religious leaders who try to “disprove” science are disingenuous authoritarians you shouldn’t trust). Religion, by itself, and NOT when it’s used as a tool for controlling the masses (take note, Americans), is valid and not to be discriminated against. Believe what you want, just don’t use it to control others who have a different religion or none. But it’s still important to remember: don’t invalidate A BELIEF (not a misconception; don’t make me repeat the caveat) just because you don’t BELIEVE it.
6. Take responsibility for your problems. Don’t make your problem someone else’s problem.
Is there nuance here? Sure. It’s always nice to share the workload, rely on others, and care about each other. Sometimes, a problem is really shared and not fully “yours” when you look at the nuance. But what I’m saying here as a general rule is: don’t TRANSFER THE ENTIRETY of your problem to somebody else. “Oh, you’re making me feel this; You’re making me feel that”. No, susan. The other person isn’t making you feel anything. They’re just existing. The reaction is yours. Valid and real, probably justified, but still yours.
7. Good people make mistakes.
Nobody gets everything right all the time. That person who wronged you once? Maybe they were having a lapse of consciousness, or some other problem only they know about. When labeling someone “problematic”, look for patterns, not isolated incidents.
8. Good people have prejudice.
Racism can be subconscious and passed on between generations. So is sexism, elitism, colonialism, and [insert your chosen collective problem that causes prejudice here]. Don’t crucify someone who is prejudiced UNLESS you’re certain the person isn’t open to being educated. That said:
9. Educate people with empathy, not with arrogance.
Nobody ever learns through the means of humiliation. Humiliation only serves the purpose of creating conflict and massaging the perpetrator’s ego. So if that’s your agenda (see 4), sure, go for it. But if your agenda is REALLY to educate, be empathetic.
10. Not everyone values what you value.
We live in a crowded planet. It’s full of diversity, including a huge diversity of problems to tackle and causes to support. We can’t care about everything at the same time with the same diligence. So you’re for zero waste? Great. Your neighbour prioritises accessibility for disabled people instead. None of you is more valid than the other. Nobody is TRULY holier-than-thou.
11. Not everyone processes information the way you do.
Brains are diverse and not all are wired the same way. Science is pretty clear about that, and I think it’s high time we start taking this fact into account. So, you hyperfocus? Great. Maybe your neighbour is the total opposite and finds it difficult to focus. Do you remember events and tell stories linearly? Great. Maybe others find that difficult. Just because something is second nature to you, it doesn’t mean everyone will agree.
12. Respect people’s expectations.
This sometimes contradicts #6 because life is made of paradoxes. Anyway: people’s expectations are to be respected if you are to have any hope of getting along with them. You don’t have to agree with or even understand someone’s expectations — but respect is basic and everyone deserves it. If you really can’t come to terms with someone’s expectation and it seems just too much or too wrong… Maybe consider saying goodbye. Parting ways is okay; Disrespect isn’t.
13. Attention is not inherently bad.
Depending on the context, standing out can be bad and inconsiderate. Sure. But it’s not INHERENTLY a bad thing. Some people… just like to wear flashy clothes. What’s wrong with that? Some people like talking about their accomplishments. Some people flaunt [insert thing they have] to their heart’s content. And all of that is okay. “Oh they’re just attention-seeking” — but are they, though? Attention-seeking is targetted. You want SOMEBODY’s attention. Outside of that context… You’re just existing in a non-subdued way. It’s not inherently wrong. It’s not to be shamed. It’s a valid choice.
14. Talent is a matter of taste.
Nobody is “objectively” bad at anything. That’s especially true for subjective things like arts, music, video and more. Maybe an industry will have guidelines — but if you break or fall short of “the rules”, you’re still sure to please a crowd of hipsters somewhere (or even become famous. Ever heard of Bjork?). Talent is a matter of taste. It escapes standardizing no matter how hard society tries to make that happen. “Standardization of talent is NOT going to happen” (read in Regina George’s voice).
15. Attachment style matters.
Don’t try to “fix” an avoidant person to become as affectionate as you hoped. Look for someone more compatible with your style instead. Someone’s attachment style is very unlikely to change in the short term.
16. You will be the villain in some people’s stories.
Cliché, but true. In other words: no-one pleases everybody. It’s understandable to tell your side of the story and hope for reconciliation, but sometimes it just won’t happen. It’s egotistic, exhausting, and ultimately fruitless to always try to be the “saint”, the “hero”. Sometimes we’re villains. Come to the dark side, we have candy. On the same note:
17. Rejection is not some awful taboo to be avoided at all costs. It’s a normal part of life.
Picture this: a world where everybody always accepts everything. Would it be paradise on Earth? Hmmmm… Not really. More like hell. I mean, could you live with HAVING to include every possible food option in the same meal? HAVING to translate everything you say, always, everywhere, into every existing language? HAVING to visit every possible place on the face of the planet before you dared talking about your recent trip to the Bahamas? (why Bahamas? Omg, poor every-other-place. Not fair!) All of that sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? So why do we think it’s normal and okay to virtual-signal about picking one person over the other for [insert occasion here]? Why virtue-signal that “sports are bad, competition is bad, bah humbug, I always cheer for the losing team”? Competition is what it is! Maybe it’s wrong when compulsory (as in Capitalism), but if it’s just a game and everyone in it consents… Maybe just stay out of it if you don’t like it. Geez. It’s not possible to include everybody. Tough. Let’s maybe chill.
18. Criticism is rarely “hate”.
Usually, it’s constructive and given with the intention of helping you see a blind spot or learn something new or pay attention to a thing you might have overlooked. Other times, it’s not constructive but still aimed at helping you see what you perhaps didn’t see. Other kinds of criticism can be malicious, but still not “hateful” —maybe they’re coming from envy (which, really, is admiration in disguise) or trauma (when you accidentally trigger someone). Finally, there is the hateful variety. But can you see how many other kinds I cited here? And the list is non-exhaustive.
19. Everyone has “brain farts”.
Even the Dalai Lama has those days. Why wouldn’t you? Re-read #7. You can be a very wise person, and still act or speak unwisely once in a while — because of impulsivity, or exhaustion, or some other random reason. It’s okay. We can move on, apologise, and do better.
20. You “attract” what you like, but also what you fear.
There’s no magical thinking here, my choice of words is just a bit sarcastic. There are 2 categories of things we pay the most attention to: what we like (because we’re a hedonist species) and what we fear (because we have a survival instinct). If you’re constantly on the lookout for these things, you’ll see them and fixate on them more often. That doesn’t mean you can’t escape your likes and your fears; a lot of days go by when you don’t see either of these things. You’re just “deleting” these unremarkable days from memory.
21. Wisdom does not come with age.
In fact, some people just age, but still have the wisdom of a 10-year-old. You can’t just sit on your arse (take this as metaphorically as you will) and wait for wisdom to fall from the sky on your lap as time goes by. Unless you put work into it, you won’t have it.
22. Religion is (or should be) inherently moral; but morals don’t need religion.
The purpose of religion is to approach difficult topics allegorically, without forcing people to put their sensitivities aside and confront them head-on. That’s why so many religions talk about death and moral dilemmas. It’s not about “explaining and describing the world” — that’s what science is for. However, just because religion dwells on morality, it doesn’t mean it’s a monopoly. Maybe you’re a low-sensitivity person and choose Atheism. All good! You can still be moral.
23. Remember where you came from.
I’m not just talking about country of origin and social status. Remember where you came from in terms of knowledge too; In terms of skill; In terms of empathy, understanding, patience, etc. Is anyone born with these things? No. But sometimes we’re tougher than we should be on beginners because we forget we once were beginners too.
24. Sources are good and show respect and attention to research… But sometimes, people simply want YOUR voice.
Everyone has followers or people who listen attentively to what they say. Everyone. You included. It can be just 1 or 2, but they exist. These followers will perhaps appreciate you being transparent about where you learned certain things; But keep in mind they are there for YOUR special way of teaching. If they just wanted to see your masters, they would have gone to see your masters, not you. Chin up. You matter.
25. You don’t need to be ascetic to be spiritual.
You can be spiritual and NOT avoid alcohol or parties (in fact, neither did Jesus. What else do you want as proof it’s okay?). You can be spiritual and not be a minimalist or whatever the latest trend is for “good guy next door”. You can be spiritual and show your hair… in rainbow colours. It’s all good. Just be ethical and you’re good to go.
26. Life is too short for gatekeeping.
Unless, of course, it’s a secret mystery of a specific tradition. These are gatekept for good reason: you need a period of preparation before you approach them. Is the general public automatically prepared? No. They didn’t go through the proper rituals. Hence, not everything is open for them. But in terms of general knowledge… Why gatekeep it? Just to look special? How very narcissistic.
27. Labels are a double-edged sword.
Not all-good, not all-bad. Double-edged. Use them too much and you become a slave to identity politics… Don’t use them enough, and you fall into the trap of sweeping generalisations. You will cross both of these lines. More than once. It’s ok.
28. Don’t use your culture’s parameters to measure another.
I know it’s tempting to assume, if you were raised Christian, that every faith has a holy book; If you grew up in North America, that December is winter time everywhere; If you’re used to Academic life, that everyone has your same attention span. These are delusions borne out of wishful thinking. Sure it’s wishful to expect everywhere to fit into the “boxes” your homeplace has. Reality is different, however. Some places have more or less boxes, and they come in totally different shapes. Don’t be addicted to comparison. It’s very counterproductive.
29. Listen to your own advice.
We project a lot onto others — usually traits we have, ourselves. That’s why it’s important to read your old stuff once in a while. No, it’s not narcissistic. It’s necessary. You’ll be surprised how many times you can advise yourself.
30. You are in control.
In fact, nobody else has as much control over your life. Not even if you’re being oppressed. You inhabit your body, you know your own thoughts and feelings. That’s more power over you than anybody else could have. Use it wisely.
