A broken clock is accurate twice a day.
Pills of wisdom #12
That does not mean you should rely on it.
This is a brief reflection about finding masters, teachers, mentors, and role models. Sometimes they know they inspired you (as in when you’re paying them for advice); Other times, they haven’t a clue, and you’re just a fan. Both are valid.
People are imperfect. We’re all works in progress. Regardless of your admiration for someone, you’ll inevitably come across their mishaps and shortcomings.
However… What imperfections are “okay” to let slide and what imperfections are just too much trouble for you? — Each of you will have a different answer to that. The important thing is that you DO have an answer.
For example, I’ve come to realise I tolerate a lot of the imperfections I see in others… But I draw the line at cliqueish attitudes. If someone displays an attitude of always wanting to be in a clique, and believes life is made of “us VS them” dynamics, that’s it, they’re in my blacklist. This has always happened, since I was a toddler, but now I’ve become conscious of it. I’ve never liked people who close off and exclude a group or more of “outsiders” just because they’re unfamiliar or different. I do understand the concept of boundaries, but they must be warranted… Not automatic like that. This is me and you’re free to have your own views if they oppose mine. I’m just giving you an example.
The reason for the example above is, inevitably, you will find people older and wiser than you who have a lot to teach you, but NONETHELESS fall within the category(es) you’re unconsciously blacklisting inside your mind. And this article isn’t meant to shame or guilt you for it — all I’m saying is, if you become conscious of this unconscious thing, you can decide deliberately what to do with it… Whether it’s to keep upholding it, or let it go; But unless you’re conscious of it, you won’t find good role models whose guidance “just feels right”.
Sometimes, no matter how many wise things someone says and does, or how many people swear by them, that person will still be a bit of a broken clock for you — precisely because the unhealed and unwise parts of them irk you too much, so they stand out to you, don’t they? Similar to when you look at a broken clock and go like, “well, I can work with this twice a day (ie, this device has good wisdom here and there) but I can’t unsee the fact it’s broken”. It might feel like a waste to let these people go, but it’s necessary.
This pill of wisdom is… A bit hard to swallow. Isn’t it? Especially among us women. We love thinking of ourselves as universally tolerant, love-and-light, sugar and spice and all things nice — But that’s a fantasy. That’s not reality. EVERYBODY has standards, and having standards is OKAY. There’s no need to panic.
That’s the beauty of not pleasing everybody: each and every person is unique. If you “pleased everybody”, maybe you’d feel good about it, but other people wouldn’t because you’d be taking their individuality away from them. That’s not very compassionate if you ask me. Our free will is a beautiful thing. Our deliberate, thought-out decisions and choices, are a beautiful thing. If we all wore uniforms, spoke the same way, had the same values, went to the same places at the same time, and had no distinguishing qualities whatsoever, how boring would the world be!
So, love it or hate it, you won’t please everybody; This implies not everybody will please you either. Let them disappoint you! Let them be wrong for you! They’re being them just like you’re being you.
My own struggle with finding a human mentor I could learn from continues. So far, I’ve been attracting people who had wonderful things to teach, BUT all had the same fatal flaw (well, fatal to my parametres anyway) — too cliqueish, too okay with “othering” entire groups of people, no matter how justified they feel in it or how non-mainstream is this othering. (For example, othering “the lazy”, “the angry”, “the unevolved”, “the unspiritual”, “the unawake”, “the narcissists” — yes, even narcissists! I don’t other them. I warn people about the difficult dynamics with them and why boundaries are needed, but I also hold space for future developments when someone hopefully will come up with a treatment for this nasty personality disorder. Because behind the disorder, there are human beings. I have a rant all about it and you can read it here).
So, I get the ick as soon as someone starts saying or even implying that anyone is “inherently” this or that — even inside popular trends like the starseed one (oh, I came from this specific race here from this planet; that other person over there came from that specific race from that other planet; For fuck sake, do you hear yourself???? Don’t be surprised when the nazi start siding with you). Same with feminists who go on and on about how men are “naturally” this, “naturally” that, and we can only ever count on other women. HARD PASS.
Some will say I’m too nice or too tolerant — and yes, this used to be true, back when my standard was unconscious to me. No longer though! — and this couldn’t be further from the truth actually. I don’t tolerate “just about anyone” in my circles. I don’t welcome people willy nilly. I have boundaries, and you’ll see them sooner or later. This has nothing to do with being anti-clique, though. All I’m saying is I’m no isolationist. I don’t stigmatise anyone with basis on their nature; I’d much rather tell myself, “well, some kinds of people don’t get me so I’ll keep them at arm’s length. But I’m not entirely closed or putting a zillion barriers between me and them because there’s always hope that in the future, things will be different”.
Nothing is fixed or permanent. It wasn’t me who said it. Complain with Buddha if you don’t like it.
Anyway. As soon as you find out which ONE THING you draw the line at (or more than one thing, sometimes), you’ll start realising that you’re better off “missing out” on this or that lesson from this or that mentor in case you’re unable to grapple with the fact they do/say this specific thing you specifically dislike. Sure, ultimately we’re all one, and ultimately this is silly, but who is living their life “ultimately”? Huh? Who? Tell me. Nobody. That’s the answer. I’ll repeat the opening line: we’re all works in progress. We can’t overestimate our ability to be as loving as god (or whatever you believe in). If we have limitations, let’s work with them, instead of stigmatising these limitations or pushing them away towards our shadow, out of our conscious awareness.
After all, acknowledging how far you can (or absolutely CANNOT) currently go is also part of being kind to yourself.
…And then maybe, just maybe, you’ll find the same lessons you initially “missed out on” elsewhere, with someone who DOESN’T irk you. Sounds good? Great. So, let go of this need to tolerate what you can’t tolerate. And follow me for more pills of wisdom if you feel like it.
