Abuse survivor: here are some “this or that” questions to help you remember what you TRULY like.
I hope they’re nice food for thought.
Recently, I read an article about mental health by our lovely Lori Booty here on Medium and it got me thinking… Do I truly know what I like? Do I truly know what I dislike?
Preference is such a basic thing to consider about ourselves, but in reality, we tend to forget it. We get caugh-up in our daily routines, our busy lives; Some people don’t, but are actually recovering from an abusive situation they just recently got out of. Having lived for so long in survival mode, sometimes we forget our preferences in life.
If you ask a child “what do you like” and “what don’t you like”, you’ll get a very instant and very eager answer off the top of their tongue. Adults, however, have more difficulty answering that. And it’s so important not to lose sight of the answers our inner child would give! Very often, these are the answers that should guide us through life like a compass.
In order to find some of them again, I tried following Lori’s advice. I asked myself some “this or that” questions; got a trusted friend to ask me some more. This article is the result of that exercise. I don’t expect everyone to relate; But if this can do so much as inspire someone out there to take another baby step towards finding that lost joy in life, I’m happy.
In answering them for yourself, keep one important thing in mind: do so like a child. Imagine yourself, as a child, answering them. Don’t use your “adult mind” for that. Don’t go on long inner debates over whether you should pick a polar animal because you chose “winter”, or the sweeter dessert because you chose “the tropics”. Don’t go looking for a logic, a pattern, or an archetype. Answer them like a child. Pick what feels relatable or intuitive; NOT what is expected or logical.
There’s no need to comment below if you don’t feel like it. There’s no need to even tell anyone you read or did the exercise in this blog post. You’re free to pick “this or that” with your heart, without worrying about which of the choices will make people find you humble or admirable or whatever.
Ready? Go.
Where would you live: hot or cold weather?
Some follow-up questions can be: “[you chose hot] but would you survive if you HAD to live in a desert? Or humid only?”; “[you chose cold] but would you be able to live in a mountain top? Or sea level is best?”. These are just ideas. Feel free to come up with your own.
And again, answer it like a child. Don’t be thinking of affordable choices, practicality or anything like that. Kids haven’t learned that yet. Pretend you haven’t either.
I’ll answer this (and all the next questions) for myself:
I choose hot. Would I survive in a desert? NOPE. Ew. Absolutely not. Humidity is non-negotiable, it makes me so happy! I love it when it’s foggy out. Does altitude matter? Hmm… Not much; But I do enjoy hills and mountains, even if they’re just surrounding me. Temperature-wise, I don’t mind. It can be HOT hot, or super mild and almost wintery, as long as the landscape stays green and lush. I love sunlight, above all else. Even if it’s cloudy, it must stay bright for a long time.
Reflecting on my answer: this is a bit of a breakthrough for me. I grew up being conditioned to dislike the heat and associate it with “people who aren’t classy enough”, because I used to live in a subtropical climate surrounded by a very Afro-Latin culture. My very Germanic family made a point to stand out as much as possible there because the matriarch was a narcissist and wanted to feel superior to everyone else. So, for a very long time, I simply did as she said, and believed it was my own choice.
In fact, had I been allowed to express myself authentically, I would have embraced my summer-loving side more. (Or to be precise, spring. Summer can be a bit much. I like spring best). “Classy” behaviour is not one of my priorities. It just isn’t. I like the childlike spontaneity of going for a stroll in the forest, climbing trees, foraging, rolling in the grass. Those things make me way, WAYY happier than building snowmen or getting cozy with a cup of coffee by the fire. You see, the alternative I picked is NOT a bad thing. I’m not diminishing or making fun of people who love cold weather. It’s a great choice… For them. I’m too easily bored. I have that permanent itch to go outside explore. I can’t do that during a time where I’d risk frostbite.
What would you be: mammal, fish, bird, reptile, amphibian or other?
Follow-up question ideas: “[you chose mammal] but would you consider being a dolphin or a whale, and living in the water instead of on land? Or do you just dislike water?”; “[you chose bird], is flying important to you? Or are you more drawn to the singing and wouldn’t mind being a kiwi? Or maybe a third answer — you just feel drawn to their colorful feathers and would love to be a peacock?”. Etc.
Bear in mind this question is, again, I’ll repeat: childlike and intuitive. Don’t waste your time thinking of which animals are luckier or unluckier, going extinct, threatened, have predators or anything like that. Let’s go back to that child mindset: no worries. Just pick what appeals to your heart and imagine a world where the animal you picked had a great life.
My own answer to this one also goes to show how little I used to know about myself, because there was a time in my life when I got asked this same question during a game and spontaneously said “bird”. The thing is… I didn’t reflect on it at all back then, or I’d have noticed my answer wasn’t TRULY spontaneous. It was coming from a survival instinct: I envied birds’ ability to fly. But it’s not because I LIKE flying. God, no. Not at all. I’m mildly afraid of heights if I’m being honest, it does not appeal to me AT ALL. If it appealed to me, maybe it would be a valid answer to get to know myself better (because let’s be honest, some people like flying for real, and that’s super valid), but no it didn’t feel like “fun” to me and still doesn’t. I just wanted to fly away. I wanted to free myself from the prison I was in. That’s not an indicator of personality; That’s an indicator of despair.
Here’s my actual answer:
I’d be a snake. I didn’t use to like them (because I was TAUGHT not to like them; If I’m honest to myself and stop trying to impress other people, deep down, I love snakes. They’re awesome). I’m only warming up to them recently; But the more I learn about them, the more I… Weirdly relate to their ways? I “get” them.
I love how snakes defend themselves by attacking. That is SO ME. My “panic reaction” is fight, it’s never flight or freeze. But if you act friendly with me and/or just leave me alone in my corner, I won’t go out of my way to attack you. I don’t do that. I’m no trickster, I’m as honest and direct as it gets; So please don’t complain if I “bite” you when you were clearly trying to confuse me or get me to accept a poorly covered-up lie (Just like you shouldn’t trick a snake into thinking you have food. It won’t laugh along, it’ll eat your finger. And I’ll side with the snake on that one, LOL).
Snakes don’t move sideways — neither do I. This is not to say I won’t pay attention or respond to parallel stuff going on around me, yes I will and often do, but the thing that comes naturally to me is to just move forward without letting others make me feel unsure. Last but not least, I’m comfortable with reinventing myself completely without looking back; just like snakes leave their old skin behind. People are often astonished at how much I changed if they happen to not see me for a few years. I just shrug. That’s what I do, I suppose.
Oh, and there’s this thing I almost forgot: “snake” is an insult. It goes without saying that this animal isn’t for everyone. Some people will never warm up to a snake. I relate, and I’ve come to accept that some people will never trust me no matter how hard I try to appear harmless to them. Ce la vie.
Sugary sweet, bittersweet, or mixed flavour dessert?
I have no idea if there are academic studies on this topic (I haven’t searched. I’m trying to be as spontaneous as possible with this blog post), but I get the impression that our preference for sweets doesn’t change much as we grow up. Maybe we’re more disinclined to eat humongous amounts of sweet stuff when we become adults, but THE FLAVOUR itself will be the same we used to like as kids. I know it’s true for me and every friend I’ve ever asked.
Personally, I’m into bittersweet stuff. I always joke with my husband that although we have such ridiculously different taste in food (to the point we often just order takeaway from different restaurants, or cook two dishes, in order to be able to eat together)… WHEN IT COMES TO SWEETS we agree. It’s bittersweet all the way. Raspberry sweets if possible.
I’m guessing that people might have different reasons for choosing bittersweet over all other kinds of sweet. It won’t always be the same as mine, but here it goes: I’m not even a “hater” of overly sweet stuff. I won’t refuse candyfloss if you give me some; it’s just not my first choice. The thing about bittersweet is I enjoy a bit of complexity, as long as the end result is still cohesive. You know what I DON’T get? Mixed flavour. Those desserts with a good bit of salt in the mix, or some other totally unexpected ingredient. They’re not my thing. But some people will go for them, and all is valid.
Personally, I wouldn’t say dessert choices indicate our level of comfort with (un)familiarity. I think that’s too broad a hypothesis to even test. My speculation is a lot more specific: maybe dessert choices show us how much sugar we need to feel happy? As in: if you have a very sweet tooth, you’re more high-maintenance in that regard. It’s sugary or bust. Someone like myself, on the other hand, is comfortable with a wider range of sugar levels; And the third category of people could be more adventurous and comfortable with all, OR high-maintenance in their own special way (because they require a surprise factor every time)? No idea. Just postulating.
Keep in mind that if you’re on the autistic spectrum, you could have entirely physiological reasons for preferring one taste over the other, and maybe in that case it’s best not to overthink the “meaning” of that.
Ballet, tango, waltz, hip hop, or folk dance?
Which of them, or other, sounds more fun to you?
Ideas for follow-up questions: “[you chose hip hop] but would you hip hop to a classical piece if no-one was looking? Or are you more into the hip hop music than the dance itself?”; “[you chose ballet] is it because of the amount of certainty and structure? Would you consider your local kind of folk dance as well then?”
Forbidden answer: “I don’t dance”. Nope, that’s a lie. Don’t say that. Maybe you’re embarrassed in front of others, maybe you’re disabled and can’t dance in the stereotypical way (but can still move to the rhythm of music and that’s what matters?). Dance is a human thing. You don’t need to be good at it for the sake of answering this preference question (I’m not good either, LOL). And let me remind you again: you don’t need to tell anyone you’re mentally answering this question. Nobody is judging. You can let your guard down.
Personally, I… like to waltz. I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that, but yeah. I don’t care for the music, I could waltz all over the room with someone to the sound of Beyoncé. It works because I said so, LOL.
Waltzing is simple, even young kids can do it given minimum instruction. And in being simple, there is a lot of room for improvising and heading whatever direction your heart desires. But I think there is an even bigger reason why I love this style of dance so much: it doesn’t happen unless there is a bit of trust. It just doesn’t. Other styles of dance in pairs have room for separating and rejoining a partner, tricking them, teasing them etc (like tango)… But with waltz it’s one thing aaaaall the way. You must keep trusting your partner all the way. I like it when others trust me, and I like taking on the challenge of trusting others. If they break my trust down the line, well, tough. I’ll just move on to the next attempt with someone else. It’s what I do. It’d go against my nature to be super cautious and shy — like my mother tried to persuade me to be.
The list is non-exhaustive. Feel free to add your own “this or that” questions to the list.
A word of advice: make sure they’re not too adult. By that I mean: don’t get into topics like politics and religion, etc. This is not about moral principles, upbringing, or reactive emotions. I’m not saying these things are bad, no, they have their place in our lives or they wouldn’t exist. What I’m saying here is that the “this or that” questions asked from a child’s perspective are meant to help you find out who you are beneath all this socially-conditioned “clothing” you keep wearing before society.
Finding the answer to these questions can be surprising, unsettling, and even scary at times. If you answer them with real honesty, without trying to impress anyone (even mentally), you’ll surprise yourself with some of the answers. That’s ok. It’s common not to know ourselves deeply — especially more so in the judgemental society where we live today. It’s not your fault… But perhaps it’s still a good idea to try and keep track of all the things your inner child is longing for.
Take this inner child along. It does not mean any harm. In fact, it’s usually a very lonely child. It deserves some attention every now and then.
