Am I in the wrong platform… or worrying in vain?
Confessions of a blogger regarding the elusive ideals of self-expression, relatability, and dialogue.
This is a bit of a vulnerable article. Not my usual style. The questions are rhetorical, I’m simply sharing.
I’m not above self-doubt or confusion. Like any other human, I do sometimes wonder if I should continue doing what I do, or move on to new avenues. The main factor influencing my ambivalence is other people’s reactions to what I say.
Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t coming from a people-pleasing perspective; but let’s not be black-and-white either, because I’m the last person you’d see on the other extreme side of the spectrum — having no regard whatsoever for feedback.
In fact, I love feedback. Life would be very boring without it. It’s not my intention to dictate how this feedback should play out; No, in fact I like that people are candid here.
The issue has more to do with… a disconnect. It’s not always present, but it happens enough times that it would be foolish of me to ignore it completely. It’s a weird feeling, as if most of my words were falling on deaf ears. So, I can’t help but wonder: am I barking up the wrong tree? Do I even belong here [on Medium]? It’s okay if I don’t, I’m good with experimentation; But I’d like to find out.
By “most of my words falling on deaf ears”, I’m not talking about reach. I don’t want a big following, that sounds stressful! Instead, what I AM talking about is the fact most people who take their time to comment seem to have a completely different worldview to mine. It’s not “bad”, I like diversity in fact; But do I like too much of it? Don’t I also secretly hope for moments of connectedness and relatability? I’d say I do. And these two things are very elusive in my life. Always have been.
This isn’t something people are “failing” at, by any means. There’s no way you can force connectedness and relatability to happen. That’d be disingenuous and fake — no, thanks! What I look for is the real deal. It feels a bit redundant to state it like that, because I’m well used to looking for radical truthfulness EVERYWHERE; But I understand that some people don’t; they’re more okay than I am with pretending or with putting on a facade just to please this or that person. So if you’re reading this and you’re one of those people, please don’t feel rejected or criticised. I’m just mentioning how unlike each other we are, but I’m by no means closing the door to you. (I only close the door to haters. And that, my friend, is not hater behaviour AT ALL).
This has NOTHING AT ALL to do with “approval”, either. I couldn’t give a rat’s arse about who approves of me on the Internet. That’s not what I’m looking for. I’m literally just looking for a public who speaks the same language as I, even if it’s to disagree with me. But speaking the same language is the important bit! Instead of mistaking what I said for [insert thing here that is NOT AT ALL what I said].
Anyway, I do get the impression that the only articles of mine which people DO connect with and where people DO understand the point I’m making (instead of mistaking it for… the nearest conventional “box” they can put it in?) are the ones about Psychology. That’s not even my main area! But maybe the audience here prefers to talk about Psychology than, say, the kind of spirituality I deal with. (Namely, not buzzword-y feel-good love-and-light articles about twin flames or ascension or whatever the latest fad is). Come to think of it, Psychology on Medium is also dictated by “fads” (and I empathise with the professionals who are reading this surface-level material and shaking their heads, lol) because everything here gets sort of diluted… but at least, I’m okay with that. As I already said, I’m not a psychologist. I’m okay with the surface-level, speculative, unscientific tone these articles acquire.
I probably should learn to take things less seriously. Yes, that’s probably the lesson for me. I’m usually bad at it. But something tells me there’s more to the problem, and I’m not quite finding the answers.
That’s ok, one day I will find them. And when or if I do, this could decide whether or not I’ll keep writing here. If you’re a fan, don’t worry, I always announce where I’m migrating instead. But for now, I’m simply penning my woes. Thanks for reading this far, if you cared.
