Can you blame me for not wanting female friendships anymore?
Female friendships my age, to be more specific.
This is a bit of a vent, but I’m also looking for answers — in case anyone has them. Consider it an “am I the arsehole” post, except it’s on Medium and not on reddit.
Honestly, if I’m in the wrong, let me know. Unlike these women I deal with, my ego can handle feedback. Pinky promise.
There’s a pattern in my life and I have no idea anymore where to turn to for answers. Yes I’ve tried oracles. They get vague or take me on tangents whenever I ask this specific question. Maybe it’s a karmic challenge I need to overcome over the course of an entire lifetime. I don’t know. I’m lost. I’m confused. I just want some direction.
So, my entire life, I’ve struggled to make and especially keep female friendships who are in or around my age bracket. Every time I’m doing my gratitude exercise and look at the “friendships” area of life, I come up with the same answer: well, there’s mr. This, there’s mr. That, [insert here long list of men and boys]. The women I get on with are mrs. This, mrs. That, also that other miss who is a lovely single woman in her 60s. They’re all boomers — the rebel kind, not the conservative kind. I love them to bits.
I don’t care about numbers. I could have ONE good female friend my age and that’d be enough. The problem isn’t “how many”. The problem is the number stays at zero. Or when I think I’ve made one… She hurts me and we part ways. And she always hurts me the same old way: through being extremely proud and arrogant. This is another puzzling thing. You’d think that after trying to make friends with more than 30 different women my age, over the course of a lifetime, from many cultures and walks of life, I’d AT LEAST run into different reasons for breaking up with them.
But no.
It’s always the arrogance.
Always, always, always the arrogance.
Always.
There are zero exceptions.
I’m fed-up to the back teeth with that.
Look… We can speculate reasons for that. We can say, well, patriarchy is a problem, patriarchy is to blame — it pits women against each other, and it makes sense that when you’re the same age, there’s more of a proximity effect to fuel even more comparison and jealousy. Sure, it’s a possibility.
…Or you could say, well, I’m just plain unlucky. Or if you’re into the law of attraction and all that, you’ll say it is my limiting beliefs around befriending women that hold me back, or maybe I’m attracting the same thing over and over because of an early trauma, or whatever.
Guys, I don’t think that’s the case. The big trauma I have is with my mother. She’s a boomer — precisely the group I DO get on with. Not all, but some. And some is more than enough. I’m happy with that.
Could it be a curse? A series of unfortunate coincidences? Internalised misogyny? I don’t know. All equally possible. I mean, I consider myself a feminist. I’m not deluded that I have unlearn all the prejudice society taught me, though. So, who am I to act arrogant and say, “I’m all perfect, other women are the problem instead, fuck women”? No. I’m open to the possibility that I, too, make mistakes.
The thing is… Why can’t these women my age, who come into my life, admit the same? Because THAT is the reason we always fight and part ways. Their inability to take in feedback from me. I take it from them, but it’s never a two-way road. It’s like they want nothing other than control over me, and if I dislike it, they feel offended. All the vulnerability from me, and all the comfort for them. That doesn’t seem like a fair deal.
Are they all narcissistic? Even without the disorder? Again, I don’t know, and I don’t want to generalise. But if the problem is “narcissistic people”, I’ll repeat the question: why is it, why THE FUCK is it, that with older women or very young girls, the pattern doesn’t exist? Why only my age? Why? God, why? It’s so annoying.
Will it ever stop? Will it ever go away? I don’t know. But I’m so sick of it, that I don’t even care anymore. I don’t care about “why” either. Sure, there could be a very logical reason, but the thing is, with or without a reason, the. Pattern. Is. Still. Fucking. There. And it’s not showing signs of going away anytime soon.
This is why I no longer want to try. This is why I give up. In theory, maybe it’s all good and well to keep trying and persevere and all that good stuff, but… Unfortunately, I’m not a robot. I’m a human being with feelings. And my heart is broken.
Regardless of what caused this, my heart is broken. I can’t go on hurting over and over again. I give up. I’m flying the white flag. Fate won! I lost. Whatever. I no longer want what I once dreamed of.
It’s over.
