Dealing with narcissistic people 101: a comprehensive guide.

I’m in the mood for making guides for all sorts of things lately. Enjoy this one (30+ years of experience).

I could summarise it a cheat sheet, if I were any good at graphic design. I’m not, I just write. Feel free to make one inspired by my post though (tag me! I wanna see and share).

Photo by Hasmik Ghazaryan Olson on Unsplash

Narcissistic people have narcissistic traits. I’m not just talking about the disorder, but also any regular person who displays narcissistic traits regardless of why. If you’re mad that I’m talking about the topic without “diagnosing” anyone, get in line with all the other attention-seekers who try to troll here once in a while. Oh, by the way, that’s a narcissistic trait. Attention-seeking in the comments like that. Did the shoe fit, motherfucker? Put it on and shut up. I don’t care your reasoning, I won’t let you silence me. Yes, even if the heavens break open and an angel comes telling me to stop talking about narcissism, I will not stop. So… who are you to command me, again? A mere human being? How insignificant, huh. Stay away. I won’t warn you twice.

The above is for those who deserve it. If you don’t, ignore. And if you’re here for the guide, let’s get to it:

Finding a narcissist — how to identify (or in other words, who to avoid)

Insignificant stuff you shouldn’t dwell on:

• How long they’ve been this way. (Really, does it matter if they used to be good people? Does it matter if they’ll one day recover? You’re not their doctor. You’re not getting paid for this. SEE the recovery before you BELIEVE empty promises. And until you see it, consistently, without strings attached, maintain them on the blacklist).
• Why they are this way (again, irrelevant. Unless you treat narcissists for a living, don’t make their problem your problem because they SURE AS HELL will not care about you).
• Their surname, rank, position in society, or any such label. (Did the Pope display narcissistic behavior? Narcissist. Did the Dalai Lama display narcissist behavior? Narcissist. Did a well-known judge everyone regards as a good person display narcissistic behaviour? Narcissist. There are NO exceptions. I know narcissism is not contagious, but treat it as if it was a contagious illness: do good people get it? Yes. Do intelligent, well-regarded, genuinely helpful people get it? Yes. And by staying around them, your life will get worse, because of the “virus”, if you will. Ah, well. It’s sad, but it is what it is. Have zero tolerance. If the person improves, this can change, but see the first point above: Until that happens, maintain them on the blacklist).

Now, on to the actually relevant stuff you should pay attention to:

• Unclear communication, backpedalling and doublespeak. Read about word salad, it fits here too. When someone deliberately miscommunicates, that’s a narcissistic trait. It doesn’t matter how trivial: whether the person is talking about their first name, or a super complex subject, it’s easy to tell when miscommunication is deliberate because they’ll tell you only half the story, they’ll leave things “up in the air” shrouded in mystery without an explanation as to why. If they were genuinely unsure, they’d tell you — “look, I don’t know much about this thing. Here’s what I do know”, or “look, I can’t disclose this part but here’s what I’m allowed to say”, or stay quiet, or [insert different wording here for the same thing]. Narcissists might do both (the straightforward and the on-the-fence communication) in the same conversation, to confuse you even further, but don’t be fooled: if deliberate miscommunication happens AT ALL AT ALL, that’s your sign to cut contact. Intentional miscommunication lays the building blocks for gaslighting to happen later. They’re trying to make it unsafe for you to refer back to something they said. Don’t bite the bait.

Example 1 (deliberate miscommunication all-in-one):

you: “look at this person following me! They seem to like a lot of things you like too”

narc: “oh, that profile on social media definitely reblogs me”.

[later]

narc: “why did you block me?”

you: “I didn’t know it was you?”

narc: “of course you did. I told you”.

Example 2 (deliberate miscommunication step-by-step):

narc: “I’m so against manipulation, can’t believe [person] tried to convince us to buy a bad product”.

[later]

You: [tell a story about someone who acted manipulative]

Narc: “what? Where did you take that conclusion from? There’s no such thing as trying to get you to say yes, how do people even try to get you to say yes to anything? With a gun to your head?”

You: “no, you once said that seller was manipulative. He didn’t have a gun”.

Narc: “oh but that’s different, there’s nuance to the stories. You shouldn’t take rushed conclusions”.

…And never explains what the nuance is, or why “rushed conclusions” are a double standard. And the more you keep talking to this person, the more entangled you’ll get in their out-of-the-arse “strict” definitions for words which somehow don’t allow multiple meaning.

These are examples, but the overarching theme is: narcissistic behaviour prioritises entrapping you in the details so that you won’t see the big picture (which is usually where the abuse can be noticed). They never give you grace, are never willing to see anything from any perspective other than theirs, and will shame you for even having a perspective of your own. But if you fawn and adopt theirs, you’re fucked too, because they never disclose what they’re TRULY thinking. Hence the lack of clarity. It’s a power game. And anyone can do it, diagnosed or not.

• Exaggerated reactions to feedback, requests for you to stop being spontaneous because you reacted “wrong” to them or felt the “wrong” feeling in an interaction; Double standards (ie, they can criticise you “because they care about you, but you can’t criticise them because “how insensitive!”; they can act sensitive, but you can’t; they can have preferences but you can’t;). Let me stress again: was it your parent? Narcissistic. Was it your best friend? Narcissistic. Was it your absolute favourite role model? Still narcissistic. This has nothing to do with whether or not the person is a “loser”, whether or not the person is great and wonderful for other things, whether or not the person is kind to others and only controls YOU. The behaviour is there. The behaviour is narcissistic. Do not give anyone a free pass. You don’t need to understand it. You don’t need to know why. Blacklist.
• Manipulative stalking. Right, so what do I mean by “manipulative”? Well… I’m not one to defend stalking, but not all stalking is narcissistic. It could indicate other issues. In order for it to be narcissistic, it’s manipulative. A non-narcissistic stalker could be someone you’ll never know about! Or even someone who other people see stalking you and report to you. On the other hand… narcissistic stalking involves, you guessed it, supply (attention-seeking). They’re not reeeeeeally fixated on learning things about you behind your back (in fact sometimes I wish they did. They wouldn’t be so clueless, lol), it’s just a facade, just a bait. They’ll ever so casually or ever so sneakily let you know that, “oh, by the way, I’ve been thinking that [insert here thing you only ever said in a blog you never gave them the link to, in a physical journal you mysteriously lost at some point, or a 1 on 1 conversation with somebody else]”. You can’t confront the narc, because it just sounds like a sweet coincidence that you thought the same thing. Awww. Match made in heaven! Nope. Red flag. Cut contact and blacklist. It doesn’t matter how innocent and non-secret the remark or how unbothered you are, they don’t do this to bother you, they do this to set a precedent so that in the future they can escalate the behaviour and cross your boundaries even more.
• Insistence when you say “no”. Arguing against your “no”. Implying bad people say the same kind of “no”. Trying to get a reaction out of you just so you’ll talk when you said you couldn’t. Repeatedly crossing your boundaries. This one doesn’t need explanation, and on its own it can just be neediness and immaturity, but stay alert and watch out for other traits.
• Feeling entitled to your apology because you said something in public and they took it for themselves; because you did something in your private life that “triggers” them; because “the shoe fits” any other way. This one I don’t need to explain either — it’s definitely a weird behaviour, but a lot of people don’t know it’s narcissistic! That’s because we mistake it for its healthy counterpart, namely, vulnerability. But a narcissist acting butthurt is NOT vulnerability. It’s just an attempt at controlling what you say and do, to “train” you to start asking their permission before you decide anything (even things that don’t involve them). A truly vulnerable person would tell you about their feelings, but wouldn’t try to take away your right or authority to do or say what you choose to do or say.
• One-upping. If you went to Spain, they went or know someone who went to an even more famous/ interesting/ expensive/ sacred/ ancient/ whatever-it-is-you-value place in Spain. Awww, what a bummer! You can’t compare! That’s a bait. Don’t even call it out. Ignore it. Cut contact and blacklist. I know you may feel like rolling your eyes and saying, “I don’t care about that comparison, I’m not insecure” or whatever, but they want that reaction too. Narcissistic people want ANY reaction. They feel like they won if they get a reaction — and in a twisted way, they’re right. They won your time and energy. So, don’t give it.
• Deliberately mispronouncing names and other words you care about, deliberately [man]splaining subjects you clearly know more than them about, deliberately forgetting key information, etc. This is baiting. Don’t fall for it. They’re not giving you an opportunity to school them; they’re saying “please school me! Go ahead! Spend your energy on me! Waste your time! I love that kind of attention!”. Will you give them your energy? No. Better not to. Cut contact and blacklist.

Uh-oh. A narcissist is already in my life and it’s hard to cut contact now. What do I do?

1. Step one is “don’t despair”. Narcissistic people are common as muck. Even MORE common when you account for those who don’t have the full disorder, but act narcissistic (and we are accounting for them here). Having to constantly talk to a narc is no reflection on you or how (un)smart you are, it just means you’re living in a world where some people are mentally unhealthy and will talk to you once in a while.
2. Cut contact internally. Grey rock externally. Many people get this wrong, me included, but I’ve learned a lot about it and here is the trick: you shouldn’t avoid a narcissistic person like the plague. What you should do, instead, is give the blandest and most disinterested answers to them, to their flying monkeys, to literally anyone else relaying information, and anyone who is watching. This is to be done with care, of course. Sometimes you can’t be disinterested, or other people will crucify you and the narc will get what they want. For example, if they’re telling you all about something tragic and getting on victim mode, you can’t say you don’t believe it, because 1) there are many people who were brainwashed by the narcissist or just don’t understand / cannot imagine the lengths to which they’ll go, and will BELIEVE their sob stories because “nobody would fake that” (yeah nobody except a narc — but there’s no use schooling people one by one). So, what do you do? Well, show empathy. “Aw, what a pity. Such a bummer for you! Here, take this doctor’s/therapist’s/etc number. They’re great” [insert here someone you never met and just googled]. If they keep going on, say “I’ll be sending you thoughts and prayers, darling. I need to rush now”. Something like that. It’s grey rock, despite the sentimentality. It can be repeated as many times as you want, even with these exact words. They’re on a game of cat and mouse with you, so DO expect having to repeat it again, and again, and again — until they grow tired of you. They will eventually.
3. Don’t respond to triangulation or other subtly hostile dynamics. So, narcissistic people are funny. They think they’re in control when in fact what they’re truly feeling is out of control and desperate for attention. (But that’s the real self they push away. They only look at their fake selves). When a narc grows tired of baiting you with victimhood or flexing or whatever… They might try to get under your skin in a more direct way, by spreading rumours that other people hate you or are plotting against you or [insert “urgent” news here]. The trick here is to let them know you’re not believing anything second-hand. If people have beef with you, they’re welcome to come confront you face to face. (Don’t worry, even if you aren’t a tough person like I am, this still works, because narcissists are pathological liars. They don’t mean it. Trust me, they don’t mean it. If they meant it they wouldn’t tell you, because they tend to be cowards and don’t want anyone involving them in a fight).
4. Ignore psychic attacks, workings and witchcraft as well. Most narcs won’t even get to step 3 on this list, mind you. I’m telling you 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 because I’ve been through shit. These attacks can be scary, which is why I have a series on the subject. With a narcissist, specifically, you’ll want to mitigate damage, hide, and prevent, not counter-attack. Make sure to ground and nurture yourself too, since they tend to be energy vampires. I made the mistake to give someone a chance earlier this year, despite all red flags, and he sucked my energy during a call to the point I had to take sick days off work and stay in bed. I was in denial and didn’t notice it was him. I’m not sure he knows either. Energy vampirism happens and it’s no joke! But their deliberate attacks such as “curses” are surprisingly easier to deal with because narcs go for status and allure more than they go for actual knowledge when looking for someone to do their malicious workings. Keep in mind also, the less you’re caring about the narc or hoping for them to approve of you, the weaker this energetic link will be (same for sucking your energy). I’ve come to a point, with some people, where I detect their shite in dreams and oracles but that’s that. It simply doesn’t arrive. Why? Because they’re dead to me. I don’t care about them now.
5. Ignore cease-and-desist letters, other legal correspondence from them, or any intimidation that seems “official”. Here’s the deal: unless it’s coming STRAIGHT FROM a government body, you don’t have to respond, in pretty much every jurisdiction. And coming from someone who is narcissistic, chances are it’s fake anyway. Yes, they have time on their hands. They’re miserable people. This is just the secular version of #4, it’s intimidation and nothing more. If you’re really in doubt, phone/email a lawyer (an actual lawyer. Not a reddit lawyer. Have some common sense) and ask if they can help you find a public resource or piece of legislation that will explain what’s going on here. This will be more than likely for free, as they answer these “where do I go to find X” questions all the time, especially if it’s short and straight to the point, so don’t be afraid. In case of a cease and desist (most likely because you’re blogging about narcissism vaguely and they think it’s “defamation”), ask for defamation law, and you’ll see it doesn’t apply to this scenario.
6. Do NOT ignore high profile stalking (in case your narc is in the police or other such organisation), because narcissistic people of ANY profession can and will abuse their power. But do remember that not everyone is on their side, not even in high places. At most, they’ll force you to waste your time and money (because ultimately, what do they want? Attention), so take the precautions not to run into them or their network of contacts too often.
7. Under no circumstance be alone in a room with the narcissistic person if they’ve done most things in this list and you’re grey-rocking. Or alone with a child. I’m not talking about physical violence to you and yours, I’m talking about physical violence to themselves and placing the blame on you and yours. No, it’s not just in the movies. It happens for real, especially after they know you’re seeing through their facade.

The narc is no longer in the picture. What now?

• Watch out for hoovering. Google the term. Ignore, or if it’s not ignorable, give a vague grey-rocky answer.
• Don’t fall for their attempts at “getting closure”, “going for coffee” or “making amends”. Ignore the justification. I don’t care how elaborate or fool-proof their reason why looks. It’s still a lie. Yes, I can call it, and I’m telling you it’s a lie in 100% of the cases. Here’s why: non-narcissistic people feel anxiety and unease if they’re truly needing closure or amends. They tend to regret getting on your bad side within 3 days max (and that’s being generous!). They will not first try to stalk you, provoke, one-up, triangulate, bait you, etc. And they likely won’t have done any of that during the relationship in the first place — if someone has narc traits, they have narc traits, that’s that, period. Someone who genuinely wants to resolve their beef with you will probably be talking about a REAL unfortunate scenario (for example, they’re usually genuine and don’t make you feel on edge. You guys just got into a heated argument accidentally one day) and when apologising or making amends, they will cut to the chase, just like I’m sure you would. Narcissistic people don’t.
• Don’t fall for “nice person” triangulation. For example, your friend is organising an event. The narc contacts you asking about the event, if they’re allowed to attend, where can they register, etc. You likely know! Because the organiser is your friend. And so does the narc, they’re not foolish. But if you give information, they can and will distort it when passing it on to others, just to cause some confusion and conflict. So, in that case, just say, “Hi, please talk to [friend], they’ll inform you”. The narc may claim “oh but I’m very shy, I’d rather you ask for me” or whatever. Ignore from them on. Seriously. Ignore. Zero words past that point. Let them deal with the “shyness”.
• Therapy, introspection, meditation, etc. Work on yourself. If you attract narcissistic people, you’re giving them more grace than you should, and there could be something within you that isn’t fully over the abuse. Let me tell you a thing: everybody “attracts” narcissists. They’re insistent, clingy, needy little brats. The difference between you and most people is not in the attracting; it’s in allowing them closer to you than they deserve to be.

Bottom line here: direct communication only, zero tolerance for hoovering, and don’t believe their theatrical “heartfelt” attempt at “closure” — because it’s not real. The list is likely non-exhaustive, but if you can keep these basics in mind, you’ll avoid most of the possible problems commonly caused by narcissism.

I hope this helped somewhat. Let me know what you think. We could exhaust this topic, but I opted for making a general guide with only the main points.