Dear straight men: this is how to get a girl.
Spoiler alert: you must not be a control freak.
This article is coming out of nowhere because it’s an offering to Aphrodite. It’s entirely from experience as a happily married woman who had a few exes that didn’t end in disaster either. I hope this helps single straight men who feel anxious about dating.
I’m speaking to straight single men here, so if you see “you”, this pronoun is referring to them specifically. It’s like a letter. By all means, if you’re a woman, or a gay man, or a lesbian, or what-have-you, feel free to read too; Just bear this in mind or it might not make sense.
First of all: let’s do some shadow work around the whole idea of a “friendzone”.
I abhor this term, as do most women. This whole concept is twisted and weird and seems to come from a sense of entitlement.
Truth is: no, you’re not entitled to dating her. You don’t deserve it any more than she deserves her boundary. Your needs can’t trump hers (because if you think they do, you probably think women are inferior, and if you’re that kind of guy, you won’t find my blog very helpful). Let’s just learn to respect consent. It ain’t that hard.
On the other hand, when it comes to your feelings around this issue, let me tell you: the belief in the idea of a “friendzone” isn’t doing YOU any favours either. In fact, it’s making the dating game harder.
Here’s why: female friendships are not a reason for disappointment — even if your ultimate goal is to find a partner. That’s because, when you’re friends with a woman, she will more than likely introduce you to other women, and eventually one of them might be available and into you. Now… this could take time, because that won’t necessarily mean you’re into her, too. Your preferences also matter! But why want instant gratification, if you can have a great match at long last that will make you happy and won’t cost your mental health? I think it’s worth it to have some patience.
If you’re still disappointed by that… Well… I’m sorry to inform you, but maybe there’s some sexism you need to address in therapy. Yes, in many parts of the world, men are socialised to think it’s “a weakness” or “gay” to have too many female friendships. (And yes, I’m including girly women here. Not just the tomboys. Believe it or not, girly women can have things in common with straight men. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t ever date or marry men). Ya know… Just because a stereotype is common, it doesn’t make it true. Do you really need to subscribe to that societal bullshit? Don’t we all want a better world? It takes balls to build a better world. And it’s not like the people who adhere to the status quo without using their rational minds are happy in their relationships. Look how many failed, unhealthy, and downright abusive relationships there are all around you! Just sayin’…
Friendship is actually a great thing, it means you understand her world, you have interests in common, and she feels safe in your presence. You’re definitely doing something right! It’s just that, sometimes, love isn’t meant to be — but love is available to you. It’s just a matter of not trying to control exactly where or with whom. By all means, take your chances with friends (it does happen, and it’s way better than the other scenario below lol. My husband used to be my friend. I gave him a yes straight away), but accept whichever answer she gives as final. Otherwise, you’re being manipulative, and that’s a no-no.
Secondly: “will you give me your number” is not a conversation starter. Nope. Not even in a party.
…Unless you’re just playing fuckboy to impress your male friends. In that case, sure, go for it and take your chances. (I’m not holier-than-thou, I’m not here to preach you morals). Just don’t be expecting it to actually work.
Look… I am no demisexual. In fact I’ve always been very sexually active and don’t mind one-night-stands and whatnot. I understand this need to cut straight to the chase and I understand some people (mostly men — but some women too, hey, I exist, lol) don’t have a whole load of patience for slow-burning romance.
…But for heaven’s sake, at least learn her name first.
Show some interest that goes beyond love-making. This makes a world of difference, because how the hell are you going to connect if you don’t go beyond looks and first impressions? Who knows, she could have political views you’re not into, quirks you can’t live with, interests that irritate you. And the same vice-versa. You don’t wanna find any of that out several weeks into the relationship. Right?
Even if it’s just a one-night-stand… Come on. There’s a reason why we use words on our Tinder profiles. Nobody is just a piece of meat.
Don’t be a creep, either — that’s just the other extreme of the spectrum. Nobody likes being chased in the shadows for weeks on end before the man makes his first move, lol. DO talk to the women you like from the start… Just be respectful. Respect goes a long way.
Thirdly: what do YOU bring to the table, and does she want it?
Let’s face it: a lot of men have the annoying habit of assuming he can just be “a taker” relationship-wise. This tends to come from social conditioning, so I’m not out to get you if you felt called out: society preaches that men are bread-earners, and women contribute with the emotional workload in the relationship. Yes, this is very outdated, and we should in theory be over it, but certain things take time to happen collectively — so let’s make a conscious effort to address them individually. Just like today we know that it’s not “unmanly” to do some housework, we must also learn that it’s not “unmanly” to take on some of the emotional load in the relationship too.
Here’s what that looks like: starting when you’re first getting to know each other, and well into a possible dating experience, don’t just “exist” there. Don’t wait for her to entertain you, look after you, comfort you, be of interest to you, tick the boxes you have for what an ideal partner looks like. Not all the time, anyway. YOU should also provide the same — learn what she likes and looks for, consider her preferences and needs as important as yours.
These are, of course, suggestions — but they’re suggestions that every woman appreciates seeing in action. So, why not give them a go?
Last, but not least: are your levels of maturity a match?
THIS ONE is so overlooked, and I wish you guys would pay more attention to it! Not all women are mature. In fact, many are immature, and some of them are even narcissists.
The world is full of tragic love stories that seem to start well (with both saying an enthusiastic “yes”), but end in disaster because one of the parties didn’t have the maturity needed to BE in a relationship — and end up hurting and traumatising the other person.
By the way, this is another reason why I think you shouldn’t fear friendzones. Hey, at least the woman who “friendzoned” you was being honest! “Nope, I can’t do relationships”. Or “not truly into you; I’m interested in other things instead”. She’s saving you time and headaches. Isn’t it so much worse to hear a “yes” and only later find out that it came from a person who didn’t truly know herself and her needs (or worse — a manipulator who did, but pretended not to, in order to gain advantage over you)?
This kind of mismatch can be tricky to notice straight away, so don’t beat yourself up if it takes you a while. Just be grateful you DID notice it, and don’t gaslight yourself. Your sixth sense is your friend, and so is therapy. The best rule of thumb I can give you is: if she usually makes you feel guilty, uncomfortable, or disrespected, even if you can’t put a finger on “why”, chances are she’s too immature for you.
The opposite also applies — and this might be something SHE notices years and years before YOU do (because it’s always harder to see our own shadows than it is to see other people’s shadows. Usually, we only see them once we’ve already addressed them and grown past that). So… if a breakup happens “for no apparent reason”, there ya go, maybe you were being toxic without realising. (This isn’t always the case, but consider the possibility).
I hope this helps somewhat. Happy dating!
