Do you have SEVERE stage fright? Try this.
It could change your relationship with public attention.
If you don’t know me, hi, welcome to my blog. My name is Lucy and I’m the author of an article you might have stumbled upon when you googled “Chiron in Leo”. I’m not exactly sure why Google — of all things — decided to promote my article, but it was an interesting surprise when I learned that fact from a follower who wrote to me in private about it.
Now… I’m saying “interesting” and not “awesome” (or insert definitely positive qualifier here) because for the longest time, I felt ambivalent about attention. I have Chiron in Leo, after all. That’s why I wrote that article. The thought of having the spotlight on me has always made me feel uneasy. I could be brutally honest and say, “you know what? it’s not just uneasy. I hate it. With a passion. I’m extremely afraid of having many eyes on me at the same time and I’ll do everything in my power to avoid it”. That’s what a certain past version of me would feel like saying; But she wouldn’t, because she wasn’t selfish. She knew that if people were GIVING her attention, there must have been a reason, and they had the right to do so. Hence, ambivalent. Neither happy nor unhappy with it — but preferably, if at all possible, still hiding from that spooky spotlight.
I once had a music teacher to whom I confessed I had been invited to play music at a local, but nonetheless super fancy and important, event… And initially I said yes, but when the day came, I realised important people would be there, so I panicked and pretended to be sick. I wouldn’t be the only attraction there, but still… A bit dodgy, eh? I don’t like giving people false hope.
Well… When I told her the story, instead of helping me look at the nuance of this situation, my former teacher simply reassured me that she would have done the same if she was in my shoes, because that was just too much pressure and I was just a beginner.
Yes, but — I was a beginner who never lied to anyone about my beginner level ability. And I still got invited. So, people knew what they were doing when they invited me. They knew what they were in for, and who knows, maybe that’s exactly what they wanted anyway. Who am I to judge, or get on a high horse and say I know better? That’d be a bit arrogant of me, wouldn’t it? The people who invited me weren’t “out to get me” or “delusional” about what to expect from me [or insert here some other harsh judgement on them which would be totally undeserved].
At the time, I didn’t know better, so I thought my teacher was right. Today, I shake my head in disbelief. But such is the life of a person who has Chiron in Leo, eh? We don’t get lucky with our mentors, they always either worsen our problem with public attention or make us pursue it to an unhealthy extent. There’s no nuance. There’s no in-between. Chiron is the wound that never heals, so no, there IS no hope if I am to wait for a decent mentor. I need to be my own mentor (and heal my own wound, so to speak)— at least when it comes to that specific aspect, namely, my relationship with public attention.
I told you the above story, not just in order to vent, but as an illustrative example. There are many other, older stories from my life, of people who projected their fears onto me under the pretense of “helping” (with THAT kind of help, who needs sabotage? Lol)… But this is not a journal, so I won’t bore you. One suffices.
Truth is, regardless of what is the “origin story” of your phobia of being seen (maybe you don’t even believe in Astrology, and that’s perfectly ok, you can keep reading, this article gets a lot more secular from now on), one thing needs to be said: it’s actually quite common to come across people who think they can help but can’t. It’s not even malicious. They’re trying. The thing is… They’re clueless themselves. (That’s why some overcompensate with arrogance — to hide, even from themselves, the fact they’re clueless).
So, what DOES help? Well, I found one piece of the puzzle. I’m gonna share it with you, and you can try and let me know how it goes:
Keep in mind that the more imperfect somebody is, the more confident they are at appearing in public.
This is not a bug, it’s a feature. Objectively speaking, the world works like that. You can dislike it all you want, but it works like that: you start out confident, and you show up; Gradually (ideally, if you’re an honest person with integrity) you realise you didn’t know much, and improve your skills, but that’s AFTER showing up, isn’t it? It’s not before. If you’re gonna wait, you’ll wait forever.
I mean… Do you need a better example than our current political climate? Totally inexperienced and straight-up underqualified con men becoming leaders, because they overestimated themselves and so did their voters.
I’m not saying “be like a con man” — no, please don’t — but I’m trying to show you that confidence has NOTHING to do with actual ability. If it did, small toddlers would never risk trying to walk. They’d instead recoil and think, “who am I to attempt this activity I didn’t get instruction on”?
Right?
And small toddlers are an adorably better example here. They’re pure and precious. They’re not like con men. But they understand one thing which, coincidentally and ironically, con men also understand: you can obtain objective success, and even impressive levels of it, at your chosen skill, but if you don’t put it in action, people will still think you don’t know shit. Conversely (and this is the bit where cons are facilitated), you can know jack all about a certain topic, but if you exude confidence and put yourself out there anyway, everyone in the room will fall for it.
We’re emotional, irrational, easily impressed primates. I know we’d like to think of ourselves as so very evolved and almost god-like in our ability to be rational and reasonable, but… BULLSHIT.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, but once you do, you’ll thank me for it.
So… are you afraid of attention because you’re afraid of scrutiny? Honey, those things DO NOT go together. Scrutiny is always done in hindsight, not during anyone’s performance. And often times, it doesn’t happen at all. People eat it up. Just think about it, reverse the roles: when was the last time you replayed your favourite actor’s or musician’s performance again and again in search of small mistakes to cruficy them for? Huh? Has it even EVER happened? Exactly.
I know it’s common to think, “oh no, everyone will be looking at me/ listening to me, and they’ll judge and notice every little thing I do wrong” but no, they won’t. I empathise, because that was exactly my feeling (and it’s a common one at that), but it’s not based on truth. This fear is fabricated. Sometimes, deliberately, by abusers who didn’t have your best interests in mind. This brings us to the next lesson:
Were you a victim of psychological abuse as a child?
Narcissistic abuse is the most common kind that can play a role here, but in fairness it’s not the only one. So, if you’re still reading this article and nodding along… Have you considered that someone taught you, early on in life, that you weren’t “good enough”?
And have you considered that this person whom you held in high regard (perhaps because it was a parent — and kids are hard-wired to trust and look up to their parents, it’s a survival instinct — or someone else you used to be a fan of) might have betrayed your trust and admiration of them? Have you ever even entertained the possibility that they might have DELIBERATELY tried to make you feel smaller, and no, it wasn’t an accident, it was deliberate?
I know it hurts. This is exactly why we make up excuses in order to survive early childhood — a time when, if left alone, we can’t fend for ourselves.
Now, however, you’ve grown. You CAN, objectively speaking, fend for yourself. And you need to break that idol.
Look. I’m not telling you to crucify anyone. I’m not telling you to go seek revenge. Even because there can be a lot of reasons behind deliberate sabotage, and malice is only ONE of them. There’s also internalised stuff — people who grew up learning that something toxic was “good” will pass it on to their children the same way without questioning it; That doesn’t make them evil, that makes them manipulable. Hurt people will hurt other people. It gets complicated. Please try not to use black-and-white thinking here.
When I said “you need to break that idol”, what I meant instead was please, please, please, take that person from your past OFF the pedestal. There’s no need to treat them differently. But internally, stop considering THEIR opinion more important than everyone else’s. I know this might be unconscious and not intentional, but make the effort anyway.
When you do that — and this is something I GUARANTEE, you can rest assured — you’ll start realising that most people’s standards are waaaaaaay way lower than your abuser’s. They’re not going to demand perfection or flawlessness out of you, all they want is for you to show up and do your best.
No, seriously. This isn’t a pep talk. This is reality. As certain as 2+2=4.
Most people do not know you, my dear. They don’t. It’s a fact, isn’t it? An easy one to realise. And because they do not know you, they don’t feel attached to you the same way your abuser did. They simply don’t give THAT much importance to every move you make and every step you take. They’re strangers. And as every good stranger, they’ll only bother to look at you superficially, if at all. No one among them has a metaphoric magnifying glass meant to find flaws in you in order to keep you under their wing or under their control. Because, let me repeat, they do not know you and do not care. When you wave at them and say thank you and goodbye, you guys go your separate ways. There’s no toxic dynamics of clinginess and control going on.
A lot of people — including therapists — have a similar history of struggle with extremely insecure attachment, bordering on abusive (which is why they pursue careers in mental health in the first place, to try finding answers for themselves while they also help others). This is why so few of them will tell you the above. They don’t see it for what it is. They still have their own issues to deal with, their own unconscious attachment to patterns that aren’t healthy. And a good portion of them will hide all of that under a facade of arrogance so that you never notice they’re in fact a hot mess, because if you did, they fear you wouldn’t pursue their services.
See? We’re all slaves to perfectionism. This needs to stop.
Sorry, not sorry. The moment I stop crossing paths with bad mental health professionals, I’ll stop talking shite about the industry. Want good reviews? Then GROW UP and do a good job for once. This involves putting aside the ego. I’m not talking about perfection, I’m talking about admitting when you’re unsure or unable to help with something specific.
Tangent aside, if there’s one thing you need to take away from this article it’s this: nobody who is a star ever started out as a star. They started out making super embarrassing mistakes and falling on their butts all the time. And their fans — the real ones — have loved all of it, messy beginning and all.
Similarly, nobody who “simply does their job” being sometimes under the spotlight (a journalist, for example) and ISN’T a star, has ever started flawlessly or fearlessly. Courage isn’t the absence of fear; it’s acting in spite of it, because in the end of the day, this isn’t about you. This is about the message you bring, and the people who asked for it.
I’ll leave you with this lecture. It’s old, but gold.
