Nov 9, 2022
Don’t be approachable.
Modern people in the industrial West can’t deal with approachable. They’ll use you, abuse your good will, and leave you scarred.
I grew up seeing people keep to themselves — a tad too much if I’m being honest. I didn’t like it. It didn’t suit me. The people who surrounded me seemed happy with the decision to isolate in a close-knit little clique, but I couldn’t find the same sense of satisfaction doing that. So when I was old enough to take my own decisions, I started to pursue the opposite. And while I was pursuing this new, exciting unknown… I started to wonder WHY.
Maybe I was unlucky to be born an extrovert in a long lineage of super-duper-introverted people? Or perhaps I didn’t truly hate isolating from the world, and just acted social as a sort of teenage rebellion against family? Maybe I’d grow up some more eventually and realise my family was right all along? I couldn’t decide which one was true, so I tested the possibilities.
I’ll spare you the story of my trial and error — it could be a movie in itself — and instead just tell you the conclusion I arrived at: disappointment with the world is more common than it seems. It affects both introverts and extroverts and everyone in between. We think it stems from “how cruel and unfair the world is”, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The truth is a lot more bitter and hard to swallow: we’re responsible for that, ourselves. There’s no blaming others. Look within.
We have this bad habit, especially here in the industrial West, of taking an all-or-nothing stance about things. “If this person isn’t perfect, then I’ll decide they’re absolutely wrong and imperfect and no good at all”; “If this situation isn’t the most comfortable there ever was, then I’ll decide it’s as uncomfortable as hell”; “If this problem isn’t a piece of cake to solve, then I’ll decide it’s impossible to solve forever and ever”; “If this solution isn’t the be-all-end-all of solutions, and there’s more work to do, I’ll just pretend it’s a dead end and give up”.
Oh, the drama! Oh, the tragedy! Quick — someone, bring a sad violin!
I wonder what would happen if these people tried… Just for a teeny tiny second… To consider the concept of “grey area”. In-between. Not extreme. Maybe they can’t even conceive of something that isn’t extreme or dramatic? Too boring? Drama is more exciting, I suppose?
Some people are such drama addicts, so dramatic, that it gets kind of aesthetic. But when you take a second look at the scene they’re making, you’ll notice there’s nothing candid about it. Perhaps there IS genuine grief and sadness, but in the midst of it, there’s also a show for attention.
Often, the person doing it didn’t even notice they’re doing it. There’s a chance that inside their heads they think “woe is me, poor me, I have zero power over any aspect of my situation”. So let’s suppose that’s the case, let’s suppose the person genuinely believes the lie they’re telling. Now, think for a second: just because someone isn’t manipulating you ON PURPOSE… does that mean there is no manipulation AT ALL?
You know that answer. You weren’t born yesterday. Chances are you’ve already learned that actions don’t always match intention. Just because something “wasn’t intended”, that doesn’t completely excuse the perpetrator, because it doesn’t mean shite didn’t happen. Shite happened. Intended or not, it happened. If we stay forever in this blame game, we won’t solve anything, because we need to shift our focus from something unproductive (who intended what, who felt what) onto something more productive (what ACTUALLY happened regardless of feelings or intentions, and how to stop it from happening and make tangible reparations). I’m not saying feelings aren’t valid. I’m saying in most cases, a focus on feelings alone won’t lead to productive resolutions — regardless of how valid.
This realisation taught me that self-isolation can be (and often is!) a kind of drama for attention
Before you attack me in the comments, I’m not talking about people who are GENUINELY isolated from their peers due to disasters, terminal illness, war or anything like that. I’m talking about drama queens in [at least somewhat] privileged conditions who CHOOSE to isolate. There is a difference. Don’t be disingenuous. If you’re a smartass I’ll outsmart you, don’t even think about it.
When you choose to isolate, then complain “nobody is around you”, whose responsibility is that? The world’s? Really? Does it spin around you? I don’t think so.
“Oh but this thing and that thing are unfair and they’re happening to me” — Okay, in most cases when people tell me that, I agree. It’s true. But let me finish the sentence for you: they’re unfair WITH YOU. Who are you? Let’s recap: are you a king? No, kings don’t talk to me (not living ones, anyway). Are you the leader of a country, in other shape or form? No, you aren’t. Are you super rich and powerful, enough to be a target of “the world”? No. Are you a god? Also no. Are you an entire group of people? Hm… no. You’re a person. You’re an insignificant individual, a grain of sand on a beach. So ALTHOUGH you talk about real unfairness, you’re positioning yourself — consciously or not — as the only victim of it, when in fact you’re one in a crowd. But instead of uniting with this crowd in a fight for more dignity, you just isolate. That means you think there’s something grandiose about you. No, there isn’t.
Perhaps you’re surprised to hear that, even shocked. Did you think only the rich and powerful can become narcissistic? Only successful people can be narcissistic? You’re wrong. There’s grandiose narcissism, but there’s also vulnerable narcissism. Guess where you’re leaning.
Usually, people who feel hopeless in life without TRULY being hopeless, are letting their inner narcissistic tendencies lead the way. That’s because it stems from entitlement: when you say “woe is me, I’m the supreme victim”, what you’re REALLY saying is “I demand that others solve my problems FOR me while I lay back and relax” or else… off with their heads! Just like the queen of hearts from Alice in Wonderland.
This isn’t an attempt to make people feel stupid. I talk from experience. Not only have I seen people in my own family succumb to their inner narcissistic monster, but I’ve also been there. I’ve made the same mistake. There is no way at all I could teach you a lesson without having first gone through trial and error, so before you put me on a pedestal, consider that.
I’ve let my inner narcissism control me more times than I can count. I used to vent to people about being a victim of the world for this and that reason — I wasn’t being disingenuous or manipulating anyone on purpose. There was truth to it. But who am I? Prominent and powerful enough to justify feeling like a real target? No. I’m a grain of sand on a beach.
The reason it took me so long to arrive at the above conclusion was partly my own fault (for not addressing the narcissism learned and internalised from my family members) but also due to the fact I was talking to people with the exact same problem. I was a blind asking another blind to help me see! It ain’t gonna work in a million years.
How would any of these people I confided in think of confronting my REAL problem? Why would they ever call me out, if they were making the same mistake? They couldn’t. Maybe they looked at the narcissism behind my “hopelessness” and just thought “ah, yes, another Tuesday”. Western industrial society rewards and encourages narcissistic thinking. That’s why.
Don’t be approachable.
I’ll repeat what I said in the title, I want you to keep it fresh in your memory. Use it like a mantra, if you must. It will spare you many a heartache in today’s world.
By all means, be social — even if you’re an introvert, within specific circles that make you comfortable — but don’t be approachable. Unless you’re dealing with a partner or a family member (they have no choice but to be close to you), keep people at arm’s length. If you don’t, they’ll act entitled.
Why, you wonder? Simple: the environment, today, encourages it. Unless you’re off grid, you’ll have felt this same environmental influence. We live in an age when most conveniences are at our disposal. The effort we must make isn’t just to survive, like medieval people did — the effort we must make today is to actually keep holding ourselves accountable; Try and resist the temptation of delegating everything, or feeling entitled to having everything. Our ancestors couldn’t even have dreamed of things that today we take for granted. I always keep this in mind because I talk to ghosts, and I’m writing here in order to remind you of this truth: our sense of security is artificial. We shouldn’t take things for granted. We shouldn’t lay back and relax and expect the world to cater to us just cause we have an illusion of comfort; It could be taken away any second. It was never a given. Don’t let yourself grow weak. We’re not in La-La-Land, we’re on planet Earth. It was always disputed, messy, painful and difficult, not just for humans, but all living beings. Always. Ever since the dinosaurs were walking.
Example:
So you need a job and can’t get it? Oh boy, I feel your pain. Surely there are bigger problems behind that which you can’t control; But there will ALSO be things you CAN control. Both things can be true, it isn’t either-or. Re-read the intro. There’s no need for black-or-white thinking.
“But Meron, I truly can’t find a job, I’m desperate”. Are you, really? Are you? Then WHY do you have access to the internet, or worse, time to be whining about it to me? I’m an anonymous account on the Internet. Don’t you have, Idk, people more relevant to this situation to talk to, a job centre for example? This may sound insensitive, but hear me out: you can’t be desperate for something unless you’re giving it your all. So, it’s a lie. A lie for attention. You could have said instead “yeah, things are tough, trying to get employed but no success yet, oh well”. See the difference in tone, in comparison to “but I’m desperate…! [unsaid but implied: Solve my problem for me, I’m an entitled helpless baby]”.
“But Meron, I was discriminated against when looking for a job because of [insert social problem here]” — okay, I’ll send you a hug. Better yet: I’ll care react. Insensitive? Maybe. What else could I realistically do to help, though? I’ll repeat: I’m an anonymous account on the Internet. Don’t you have people more relevant to this situation to talk to, Idk, local politicians willing to promote the cause for example? I am not them. I’m powerless. But that would imply moving a finger. And when you’re coming from a narcissistic, entitled mindset, that’s the last thing you would do, aye?
“But Meron, I reach out to you even though you’re powerless with my specific problem because I see you as a whimsical spiritualised godmother”
…And felt entitled to that, too. K. Gotcha.
In today’s industrial West, EVERYONE is falling victim to each other’s narcissism and entitlement… to the point it became normalised.
It’s almost like you can’t possibly deepen a friendship with anyone at all unless you start enabling their feelings of grandiosity. If they vent, it’s never enough to just lend a listening ear and comforting words — no, they ALSO want you to side with them without knowing the full story and shit talk the chosen scapegoat (“the world”, “those people”, “that person”, you can pick and choose) to hell and back. Why? Because that makes the sad little karen feel special. Worse yet: feeling special without a good reason. Just ’cause. Ah, ya know, it’s the polite thing to do.
No, it fucking isn’t.
I know narcissism is common today, enabled by a toxic societal culture of trying to win people over for no good reason all the time… But just ’cause it’s common, it doesn’t mean I’ll jump on this bandwagon. Quite on the contrary in fact. I’ll keep exposing the crap beneath it for the world to see, until it stops being so common.
Let’s normalise holding OURSELVES accountable for our own share of the work. Then, and only then, can we begin talking about others. Look, I know it’s justified. I know there are feelings involved. I know, and I feel that. But there’s a difference between raising real awareness of an injustice vs promoting yourself as the supreme victim. One will take you somewhere. The other… Well, you know the other. You’ve been in it for a long time already. Let’s maybe try a healthier path.
