Easy hack to understand the difference between “empathising” and “enabling”.
Struggling with that distinction? Fear no more. Pills of wisdom #13
I’ll go straight to the point. If it resonates, take this lesson with you. If it doesn’t, leave it.
Think of a volcano. The photo above might help. Maybe you have seen/visited a volcano before, or maybe you haven’t; But chances are you know what it is, thanks to information from school and pop culture.
There are lengthy explanations for how or why volcanoes erupt, and these explanations can go from very simplistic to extremely complex and nuanced; so complex that there are people who study volcanoes at PhD level and present their findings in touristy shows (I recommend this one, suggested by my connections in Iceland). Anyway, you get the idea: we can have a basic understanding of volcanic eruptions from elementary school, or follow the deepest rabbit hole towards Academia. Either way, we know what they are, what they’re here on this planet for, and most importantly, we know that we must coexist with them.
The fact we must coexist with volcanoes isn’t a moral maxim arising out of some code of etiquette that someone came up with. I bet you’re laughing at the thought of that. Truth is more objective and less up for interpretation: we’re forced to coexist with volcanoes. We have no choice! They’re here to stay. They can’t be eradicated from the face of the Earth. And we’re not even sure we SHOULD try to eradicate them anyway.
When I say “coexist with volcanoes”, does that imply letting the lava get to us and cause a lot of damage? Obviously not. This is another thing you know instinctively: volcanoes exist. Sometimes, they erupt. However, none of that is an excuse to stay unprepared around them, or to stay where you are if an eruption happens near you. You wouldn’t do that in the name of “empathising with volcanoes”, would you?
Now… Let’s bring this logic back to human relations: why is it that we instinctively know some very dangerous natural phenomena are things we must protect from… And yet, when we’re dealing with “naturally dangerous” human beings, we get so hung-up on etiquette and word choice and other abstractions? Here’s the deal: if they’re dangerous, they are lava. Let’s NOT allow them to hurt us. It’s simple as that.
Once toxic people “stop being lava”, so to speak, we can allow them near us again. And if the cycle repeats, we can also repeat the response to it: distance again. And on and on it goes. Don’t we treat volcanic products like that? Lava is dangerous; we don’t approach it. The ashes, however, can be useful in agriculture and a lot of other applications. We approach them again once cooled, and collect what we need. Rinse and repeat.
Of course this is oversimplified (as is the knowledge we all have about volcanoes from elementary school!), but there’s no need to go too deep here, since the essence of the lesson I bring to you today can also be found on the surface level: if something is harmful to you, and distancing is just a matter of choice, then don’t force yourself to keep living with it. Don’t give in to any one person’s (or society’s!!!) manipulation to stay and “be a good boy/girl”, if that means (metaphorically speaking) constantly enduring 3rd degree burns. Nobody deserves that.
That doesn’t come to the detriment of empathy: of course we can empathise with some people’s “villain origin stories”, so to speak, or study them in depth and become experts in treating these people, etc. We can do all of that if we so choose! These are noble pursuits. We can also acknowledge the natural processes behind some people’s issues, and how nuanced and double-edged these can be. Ain’t nothing wrong with any of that! Don’t people study volcanoes in order to understand our planet’s geology? Of course they do! And we’re all better off because of these experts’ decision. But we can do that safely and prioritising our health.
No one’s health should come at the expense of another. This is the takeaway today.
People who try manipulating you into handling others’ emotional bullshit on top of their own are only after one thing: a fool who will enable their bullshit. They want to stay mentally unwell, hence why they don’t want consequences for the behaviour that comes from this unwellness. They chase excuse after excuse, and try to silence call outs, and feel entitled to have everyone cater to them while they aren’t moving a finger, because they want the convenience of never having to do any work in order to get better. And this is the human equivalent of a volcano that doesn’t want to stop erupting. Thank god these stubborn volcanoes don’t exist! Nature is very wise. Let’s maybe learn from her.
I hope this helped. Until next time!
