For every toxic woman in my life, there were at least 3 healthy women.
My mother (person “A”) didn’t want that to happen; She wanted me to become someone who hates and destroys other women, just like her. But by breaking this cycle, I am giving her the middle finger.
This article contains references to madness, C-PTSD, abuse, and gaslighting. It feels like oversharing, and in a way, it is — but I don’t think there’s another way to exemplify certain situations. I don’t wanna have to depend on fiction alone for that. People need to know that sometimes, the most outrageous things happen in REAL life, and if you relate, you’re not alone. Never gaslight yourself. You saw what you saw and experienced what you experienced.
Here’s a list of toxic women I’ve had to deal with thanks to the trauma bond I had with my mother, and the ensuing compulsion for repeating patterns. Some of them I have already mentioned as examples in previous articles; Other ones, you’re hearing about for the first time.
The list below will include a mention to 3 contrasting situations with healthy women — to HAMMER home the point that dysfunctional people can be loud, can be annoying, can be clingy and entitled and never leave you alone… but they do not win, because they will NEVER, EVER, EVER be the majority.
Oh, by the way, no nicknames this time. I’m using the alphabet. That’s how much time and energy I bother spending on anonymising these self-centered arseholes. Bad choices aside, consequences aside, these people are still human.
No pictures either. I’m sure the stories are attention-grabbing enough (unintentionally so. My life is crazier than fiction like that).
A
This is my mother, the first toxic woman I met. I won’t give you a name, but a description is needed. She was my grandmother’s golden child, having “earned” this place of favouritism when she started to help bully her sister, who was reportedly prettier than her. This aunt of mine, whom I never met because according to mother and grandmother, she was the worst person alive on the face of the planet, left home early to avail of a high-paying public job (a fact I learned much later in life, looking at evidence). The story “A” told me, however, was that her sister was abandoned by grandmother because she was slutty, or didn’t want to study, or didn’t want to work, or wouldn’t obey, or would hang out with bad influences, or [insert here reason that is not remotely a good justification for kicking your own child out of your house, not even in the 70s, not even during a dictatorship — which BY THE WAY they supported]. The reason would change, depending on what kind of healthy individuation or pursuit of freedom I was up to, in order to convey to me the message that if I ever stepped out of line, (even for the smallest reasons), she would abandon me too.
“A” was a great storyteller, in fact. Her favourite bedtime story was Cinderella, not for normal reasons, but because of the narrative of envy and female rivalry in it. She wanted to indoctrinate me into believing that other women would never get on with me — only her (but on her terms, as we saw above). She sabotaged my friendships from an early age behind the scenes, another fact I have evidence for. Whenever caught red-handed, she’d claim that “oh, I’m just so jealous, I’m just so afraid you’ll leave me” and make the usual puppy eyes; a trick she’d play on everyone, not just me. Her stories about other people all turned out to be projections of HER behaviour (including the debt we got into because of her shopping addiction, which she projected onto my dad under the most outrageously fake allegations); the cheating; the “envy” she was “a victim” of (actually victimising others by envying THEM), etc. So, yes, a very creative mind indeed. I’m not sure she’s ever told me anything true… She probably did, here and there, but I couldn’t be arsed examining my memory at this point. There’s a spiritual and occultist backdrop to our story together, which she dragged me into against my will and now tells anyone who will listen that it was my idea, but I think I’ve been talking about her enough. I’m sure she loves the attention.
“A” is not flawed in her essence. She’s human in her essence, like you and I. She might be inclined to objectify human beings and split them all-bad, but I didn’t inherit that trait. “A” made bad choices with her own free will.
I can’t have 3 other mothers, sadly; But I do have gods I trust, so there’s that. A god of truth, a goddess of wisdom, and a god of mental health.
Moving on…
B
She was friends with “A”, having worked together a while. I’m not sure about their degree of proximity, but one thing I know now (and didn’t back then because I was A CHILD. We’re not born knowing these things) is the fact “B” was a very devout Catholic, always helping in church. The community considered her a prude. “A” probably wanted to associate with her in order to maintain an image of saint or socially acceptable; just so nobody would suspect she was into witchcraft behind the scenes. “A” insisted that I become friends with B’s daughter, and was always eager to take me to that house on weekends. That was the only girl I was allowed friendship with, closely monitored by “B”.
I was unaware of this fact at the time (because, again, let me repeat, I was A CHILD), but “B” always believed the stories “A” told her, including some pretty heinous things about me — for example, the narrative that I had a tendency to be slutty and depraved because “I had my father’s blood”, which is why I needed that controlled environment under the supervision of avid church-goers. So, naturally, “B” ended up helping “A” spread rumours about me whenever I acted “weird” in dance classes which I went to with B’s daughter (and A paid for), translation: whenever I wasn’t completely stiff, hesitant and body-conscious (because, let me repeat again, I was a playful CHILD).
Healthy counterparts to B, from the same time period, include this nun from my school (yes, I went to Catholic school) who always taught me and my colleagues to lift each other up instead of engaging in catty behaviour. She did so, not by punishing, but by chatting with us and having tea. I’m sure she had “backwards” ideas, being Catholic herself, but she was far more rigid to adults than she was to kids. Age-inappropriate behaviour would not go unchecked under her supervision. Bullying happened nonetheless, but I’m grateful for her presence.
There was also this oracle woman in the Yoruba tradition whom “A” considered a very close friend and consulted a lot, but god forbid anyone spread the word about that. She was a healthy influence in my childhood, having taught me the very basics of spiritual protection. She was quite mysterious and distant, often having to listen to “A” complain that her advice was too vague. I thought it was normal — even stereotypical — but actually, no, she just saw shit and anticipated what would happen if she made too much of a fuss about it. She probably knew “A” was too delusional and not open to any real healing. Her husband had a stroke which left him hospitalised once, and “A” didn’t bother visiting. It was always the oracle friend who had to travel to see her, not the other way around. “A” probably thought paying enough money was all she needed to do to keep the friendship going (same as buying me stuff would somehow replace love. Oh, but wait, it was me who “didn’t love” A, wasn’t it? She’s too much of a victim, awwww, poor thing, of course she couldn’t fathom admitting that she was… you guessed it… PROJECTING her lack of love for me onto me in order not to admit it inside herself).
Finally, I also recall another friend of “A” (friend? acquaintance? Not very close anyway, but we did visit her) who was ultra-religious, but nice. Her family made wine, sold locally. She was constantly present in church events and went to mass every Sunday. “A” used to shit-talk her to me and others because allegedly this woman wanted one of her sons to be a priest but he refused. I’ll never know if that was true or not, but what I do know is that this woman’s bullshit detector was pretty good. You see, “A” once had cancer, thankfully recovered, but needed some reconstructive plastic surgery done when I was already an adult and we had long moved out of this hometown where her trusted surgeon was. I accompanied her and we flew back together. We stayed at this woman’s place. She pulled me aside for a second and handed me a familiar notebook — one of the diaries I kept as a teen — saying “A” had probably forgotten it at her house. No comments about the contents of it, just a kind gesture. When “A” saw it, she tried convincing me that her friend had stolen it. I don’t buy that. It’s more plausible that “A” gave her friend my diary, trying to convince her to continue her dirty work against me when she divorced and we had to move, by telling anyone I knew from childhood all the things I “secretly said and thought”. This friend, however, didn’t comply. She just kept the diary. And given the opportunity to return it, so she did.
So yes, I was kind enough to accompany “A” in the middle of my first year in college, be her emergency contact at the hospital, and ensure she would recover well — and her “thank you” gesture was… This attempt at creating even more conflicts between me and other women. But somehow, I’m the ungrateful person.
This is among the reasons why I no longer reach out to “A”. She is never happy with having me in her life, oh no, she must ALSO make sure I don’t have ANYBODY ELSE by my side. I’m her property, her doll, her trophy to display, she probably thinks. Objectifying me like that, but wanting love from me… Suuuure, that sounds veeeery fair indeed.
Unfortunately, I can’t not talk about “A” with some of these stories. She wormed her way into my every social connection up until the day I decided enough was enough and cut contact.
C
Ahhh… Good old “C”. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding, that’s how close we were. The problem is we got too close too soon, and I was too naive to know the concept of lovebombing at the time. I was deluded that our friendship would be genuine because it didn’t start in limerence — we met totally by chance, by virtue of living in the same city here in Ireland, and not because I actively looked for her or vice-versa — but little did I know, you don’t need an idealisation phase for a friendship to be toxic.
The problem with “C” isn’t that she hurts anyone actively; it’s that she hurts people by omission, by being a coward and not sticking by anybody in particular. Perhaps she just doesn’t care about connections? I don’t know; But for someone who doesn’t care, she surely pretends to. I’d say her main motivation in life is fear: she fears having to face the slightest discomfort (which is why she doesn’t commit to anyone or anything), but she also fears confrontation (which is why she doesn’t admit not caring about anyone; because maybe, admitting the fear of committal would already represent sticking by something — the non-committal — And that takes courage, which she doesn’t wanna have to ever exercise). I think “C” is indeed in love with the idea of being a damsel in distress, eternally assuming that life happens to her and she doesn’t have (translation: doesn’t want) any power.
The stories are irrelevant here; Let’s just say, to summarise, that “C” is the kind of person who is always saying “yes sir”, “yes ma’am”, lowering her head and letting people do whatever. I initially considered this a quirk; A little icky, but who am I to help her heal if she isn’t interested? However, with time, I saw how it can turn into a problem, because “C” started (accidentally, maybe, in her understanding?) blindly obeying and bending over backwards to abusive people — including people who had beef with me — instead of siding with the people who had integrity and had her best interests in mind. It’s a given: genuinely good people won’t try to take advantage of others, including “C”. It’s the people lacking in character who will sway “C” to their side, whereas the real ones won’t bother getting into this tug-of-war to pull her back. I certainly didn’t, why would I want a loyal servant? I want loyalty WITH dignity, not without. Our friendship faded away. I sometimes wonder if she’s friends with “A” to this day because they once briefly met and “C” is unwilling to say no to anyone. Hell, even WITHOUT choosing her connections, she could at least reprimand people every now and then for bad behaviour… But not even that. Her own brother wouldn’t stop flirting with me, knowing very well I’m not interested (and MARRIED!!!), and she said nothing about it. She just let it happen! I mean, sure, I can defend myself just fine, but with a “friend” like that, who needs enemies?
One amusing fact is “C” has always loved the Harry Potter series and identified herself with Hermione. I disagree. She’s not Hermione. She’s Peter Pettigrew.
Healthy counterparts to “C” include a person in my husband’s family who is always bending over backwards to cater to the people in her life, but the difference is she first of all selects them very well. Her circles are small, but filled with kind-hearted people who wouldn’t hurt a fly. She goes to show that you don’t need to have a strong personality like mine in order to be a woman with dignity.
I can’t think of anyone else who deserves a highlight — there was a former coworker of mine and a brief acquaintance, but they’d be a repeat of this family member’s description. Nonetheless, I’ve given you 3.
D
“D” was a cult leader, friend of a friend. We never met in person, but that didn’t stop her trying to play with me (and others) like puppets. She was the first in a series of spiritual narcissists I ended up bringing into my life in an attempt to reconnect with my spirituality. I should have done it alone from the start, and now I get the memo. 9 times out of 10, when someone claims to be guiding others spiritually, they’re a predator. Yes, even when the person looks like a very innocent, small, young, dainty, feminine woman (and not the broody men we often associate with “cult leader”).
There were 2 main selling points that attracted people into her cult-wannabe group: first, the universalist facade (tolerant to all alternative and Neopagan faiths); second, the fact it was free of charge (thus conveying the message that she genuinely just wanted to find like-minded friends to casually talk to and meet up with). In reality, once you were in, it was easy to notice that neither point was true. Her claims to universalism only went as far as wishful blabbery, because in practice she loved imposing her beliefs, her definitions for words, and her ideas of right and wrong onto us, without even listening or giving a chance to any dissent. As for the gratuity, sure, she didn’t extend her hand and ask for money, but she always expected the inner circle (those who weren’t international members) to cater to the group’s in-person events by bringing what she prescribed, not what they already had. Way to beat around the bush, huh?
The same applied to her other more outrageous claims, which you needed some familiarity with the group in order to even have access to (like in every cult ever). For example, “D” very proudly wore a mask of tolerance to everyone except oppressors… But instead of planning to engage with and help EXISTING marginalised communities in her area, oh no, she was too special for that! What she truly wanted was to buy land and build an isolated villa where only the members of her group could live (are your cult alarm sirens ringing yet?). She claimed to be interested in universal problems which afflict us all… But in practice, what she really meant with that was fearmongering about known conspiracy theories which sane people usually don’t believe. She claimed to be “just another member” seeking connection and taking up leadership duties because someone HAS to… But this was contradicted by the fact she loved telling people a story of a past life of hers as an Egyptian queen. The deception went on and on. The pattern of “oh, I didn’t say THAT, outright — I’m just very innocently giving you hints to the contrary here and there, and if you call me out I can just claim you interpreted it wrong” also went on and on.
What is it with cult leaders and doublespeak? God damn it, they all do it. They say “bla bla bla X”, but behave in a Y way. They say “bla bla bla Y” but enable Z instead. Every single time, without fail. Don’t they… have eyes? Eyes to see what is ACTUALLY happening? Oh- Maybe they genuinely don’t see it. I wrote about it already.
I was still in contact with “A” at the time; Distant and sporadically, but in contact nonetheless. “A” once fooled me into believing she had contact with “D” (she didn’t! She just read my blog posts in my older blog, like the obsessive stalker that she is), and tried creating a wedge between us — because “A” just can’t resist trying to get every woman on the planet to hate me! Just to prove her own wacky beliefs about the world “right” and not have to admit she’s ever “wrong” — but little did she know I was already fed-up with “D” anyway at that point. I just jumped on the bandwagon and let it happen. There was drama. There were childish arguments. “D” involved third parties from the group, because of course she did, she loved triangulation. In the end, it all backfired, everybody left, and the group was no more.
Healthier counterparts to “D” are incredibly difficult to come by. I’ll repeat: 9 times out of 10, when someone claims to be guiding others spiritually, they’re a predator (or, to be fair, at the very least, an opportunist). I haven’t found exceptions to this day. Spiritual guidance is probably one of those things you can only get indirectly — by reading people’s books, blogs, etc, writing your own, making your own mind without give-and-take, and staying at arm’s length.
E
How do I even begin to describe “E”? (cue Mean Girls reference). She’s like a stealthy, sneaky parasite. Whenever she sees anyone worthy of her envy (a very low bar, because narcissistic people have different, crazier parametres for envying than the average person), she ever-so-subtly sets out on a quest to orchestrate a defamatory campaign where it looks like it wasn’t her, but in fact it was, she’s just the puppet master behind the scenes. This story is a cautionary tale so that you learn to do better than I and MERCILESSLY cut contact ASAP with anyone who claims to be too sensitive for social interactions. (No, I’m not talking about introverts. I’m referring to EXTREME iterations of social anxiety where the person claims they just will not do it no matter what, and only ever talk to people 1 on 1. ⚠️ ⚠️ alert! Alert! Run to the hills! ⚠️ ⚠️).
The main problem with “E”, and the reason why she fooled me in the first place, is that she has a genuine spiritual gift. She was wasting it (probably still is? I don’t know), but she has it. “E” goes to show that despite our collective internalised Christianity telling us lies here in the West, no, not everyone who can access higher guidance is a saint. Some people are simply born sensitive and thus are able to access it; but that doesn’t make them have character or integrity. My grandmother is another example, which I should have recalled when “E” came into my life: she has given people genuine messages from beyond. She wasn’t pretending. But at the same time, she was a malignant narcissist — because that’s her human side, which we all have, can’t take for granted, need to PUT WORK INTO maturing and evolving, and are all responsible for. On the same tangent: that’s why I keep saying, time and again, that I’m not self-aggrandising when I say I’m an oracle. I’m just telling you as a matter of fact. I’m not morally above anyone just because I have a spiritual gift. You’re not drawing from “common sense” when you conclude spiritually gifted people are saints and martyrs, you’ve got that conclusion from corrupt leaders in the Church. It’s not a universal truth. It’s brainwashing. You’ve been brainwashed. Sorry to inform. I’m learning my moral lessons as I go along. If I didn’t, this blog wouldn’t exist. Thank you, and back to “E”:
So, “E” is genuinely sensitive. That’s not the problem, nor was it ever the problem. The real problem is that “E” thinks this justifies her never-ending verbal warfare against anyone who dares stand out from the crowd in her perception, although she loves distorting things for her own sadic entertainment (yes, one can be sensitive for some things and sadic for other things. That’s the whole story with narcissists — sensitive to criticism; sadic and thirsty for attention and drama. In E’s case, the sensitivity was compounded by the spiritual aspect but I digress).
“E” was a serial gossiper, but took the habit to an entirely next level: unlike normal gossipers, she refused to interact with groups to the best of her ability (on the off chance that stories she told one person wouldn’t match what she told another and they’d confront her on it). Another peculiar habit of hers was telling people about her extreme, pathologic limerence for local celebrities. You see, “E” doesn’t consider herself attractive — and granted, she’s outside the beauty standard here, but chooses not to change anything about her looks OR learn about body positivity because it’s so much more comfortable to just do nothing and feel entitled to special treatment from the world for no reason, and whine about how much of a victim she is — which makes her a bit of a femcel. She’s not in those communities, thank god, I wouldn’t have given her attention if she was, but in retrospect I think she fits into the description.
As a result of this self-imposed victim complex, “E” has (or used to have, back when we talked) extreme limerence for men who are definitely out of her league (or anyone’s league, in fairness), such as celebrities. Much later on in life, I got to know someone whose ideas and behaviour reminded me of “E”, and thus deserves a honourable mention here, who had limerence for a Greek god instead of male celebrities, but it’s psychologically the same thing. I digress. Anyway, after getting to know people in private for some time, and probably noticing these people were open-minded enough, “E” used to tell them (me included) about her limerence, but she didn’t admit it was limerence. Instead, she was adamant that her chosen celebrity visited her in spirit because they were secretly destined to be together, but nobody could know because this spirit somehow wasn’t aware of it when the person was awake and going about their day.
If you’re trying to guess where this is going, you’re wrong. This is a brand new level of crazy.
“E” did that, not because she trusted some people so-very-much (like she claimed), but in order to try and gauge people’s willingness to listen to bullshit without a reaction — which I’m sure happened because she subtly manipulates people, little by little, step by step, over a long time, like a spider weaving a web, into expecting a big pity party of martyrdom and crocodile tears if they’re ever “mean” to her sensitive little self. See the narcissism taking advantage of a real characteristic which she could have chosen to deal with in a healthier way? See what I mean by “genuinely sensitive people aren’t always sweetie pies”? Anyway, that definitely was the case with me. Before I knew it, I had been manipulated into not calling her out no matter how outrageous were her stories.
Another consequence of the above manipulation was that, when she talked about much, much less fantastical things that allegedly people did to her or did to each other and she witnessed, nobody would doubt her.
Finally, a third consequence of her manipulation was pitting “interesting” people against each other — mostly other women, as I’ve come to learn — because that would make her feel less inferior in comparison in her twisted imagination.
Healthier counterparts to “E” (because I don’t think they can be fully healthy; she’s way way too far into a psychotic pit to warrant comparison with anyone who is fully functional) include, surprisingly, “A”. You see, I wouldn’t describe her as a good person by any stretch of the imagination. If the comparison was on moral grounds, I’d probably say “E” wins instead; but in terms of how functional they are, strictly how able they are to have a life of their own, “A” wins. At least she interacts with groups, has hobbies, does what she likes instead of focusing 100% of her attention on bringing others down (it’s more like 60%, to guesstimate), etc.
Another person worth mentioning in contrast to “E” is “H” (scroll down) because “H” is not victimist on the same level and actually does take responsibility for some of the things she wants to achieve in life.
Our final toxic woman in the list, “J”, can also be considered a healthier counterpart to “E”. She has a family, an in-person job, and a bunch of other results which couldn’t have come from entitlement and pity parties alone.
F
Myself and “F” met through cosplay, back when we were both atheists and uninterested in anything spiritual.
I genuinely don’t have much to say about her, except that I regret having pursued proximity with her. We have known each other for a long long time — I’m no longer a teenager or do cosplay at all — but we just sort of followed one another on social media and met every now and then during events. We had the same mindset about the hobby: we wanted to have fun, not pursue fame or a following. We’d barely even post any photos online and just used our cosplays for in-person meetups with other enthusiasts.
One day, I saw “F” write about neopagan beliefs, and decided to ask her about her journey with that. Why not? She wasn’t a stranger to me. Well, she confided that she had found a path for her and had been discovering spirituality. I was sort of on the same boat, so we bonded over that and became actual friends. We would exchange stories of personal experiences — I was working with local spirits here, at the time; she was into Hellenism and believed in deities, but we had a lot in common nonetheless —so we eventually got close and enjoyed learning about each other’s paths.
It was all good and well until… *sigh*… “F” started showing me a side of her which made me super uncomfortable. Like most toxic women who end up in my life, this was a chronic victim. She seemed to want me to validate and give attention to her stories of victimhood in life, and she found in spirituality an outlet for escaping her day-to-day situations and justifying them (both things hinting at “oh, I’m not moving a finger, I’ll just let things be the way they are and whine about them”). I get it, everyone has problems, and so do I. I’d share some of mine with her from time to time as well. This only becomes annoying when people take zero responsibility for how their life is going — no matter how right they are in feeling disappointed with wrongdoers — as if they had no agency or willpower at all.
This culminated into “F” taking her feminism to an unhealthy extreme and trying to get me to agree with her that each and every problem in the world comes from the oppression of women, and no other struggle for social justice is real. I intially pretended not to hear it, and did my best not to engage, but she was pushy and insistent. She seemed to really want my validation for some reason. I declined, I said she wasn’t being empathetic, and while her ideas were valid, they shouldn’t trump the value of anyone else’s experience; She shouldn’t make everything about her just because she wasn’t socially privileged; I couldn’t and wouldn’t agree. We parted ways.
Some years went by and we happened to reconnect, following a casual conversation where we talked about growing up and maturing. I thought she was being honest about it. As time went by, and we kept talking, I noticed that she hadn’t changed; she was still a feminist, but she had redirected her self-centered pity parties away from the context of social justice and towards individual relationships. Basically, now she was engaging with feminism like a normal grown-up. Thumbs up to that! However, when it came to how she related to others (including me) instead of talking to people whenever she had a problem with something they did or said, she expected people to guess why she was suddenly giving them the silent treatment. On rare occasions, she’d grow tired of waiting for others to initiate a conversation where she could indulge her compulsive victimhood, so she gave it a little nudge: for example, she’d mention, out of the blue, something I said somewhere online which had nothing at all to do with her or her page or anything like that, which she didn’t approve of because of “X, Y and Z”. And she’d expect me to apologise to her for being myself and saying what I wanted in public, as if she had any right to control who I should be or what I should think. We split up again and never reconnected a third time. I’m not interested anyway.
I have met many, many, many other people similar to “F” over the course of my life, which is why I wrote this older article you can click and read — all of whom I decided not to approach, and only watch from a safe distance.
In terms of healthy counterparts, however, I can think of “C”. Despite being a big doormat and not at all someone I want in my life, “C” had some qualities. One of these qualities was the fact she never made social justice conversations all about her in detriment of everyone else — and she had political opinions of her own, surprisingly. I guess she was just afraid of confrontation on an individual 1:1 level… to a worrisome degree… but hey, at least she didn’t overinflate her self-importance like “F”.
Silly as it sounds, another healthy woman in contrast to “H” was my philosophy teacher from highschool. She had a level of sensitivity and emotional attunement that “F” probably wishes to one day have. It wasn’t fake. It wasn’t a self-aggrandising show. It was genuine. She’d encourage debates about moral dilemmas and overarching social problems alike, always reminding the classroom to pay attention to the people they weren’t being very empathetic towards, but she did all of that without discouraging dissent or contrasting opinions. I recall a time when my boyfriend was reading Nietzsche and she playfully said “oh yikes, I’m too faint-hearted for Nietzsche. It’s a good read though”.
Thirdly, I’d like to mention the Zen monk I met before moving here. She is currently in a monastery in Sao Paulo, I think. She has a big following, and usually talks about tolerance and coexistence, but without demerit to the people who need to fight for justice; she promotes compassion to all beings, but without demerit to the people whose daily habits inadvertently pollute the environment because they’re poor and couldn’t afford a cleaner lifestyle. She is what a lot of cult leaders disguised as “Buddhist” leaders in the west (notoriously, American men) wish they were, because she understands the true meaning of nuance and non-duality. The world is more complex than ONE person with her ONE individual circumstances and struggles can ever single-handedly resolve or address. That’s a remark “F” should probably pay attention to.
G
“G” was a coworker turned friend and companion of anti-racist activism. Her main thing was DJing on the radio — one of my side-hustles too, at the time — and although we wouldn’t normally meet because we had wildly different slots, we both got invited to a random talk show about diversity and inclusivity. I’m an immigrant, she’s a black Irish woman, it made sense. It was during that talk show that we not only met but became interested in learning more about each other, because it was evident that we had the same political views, and our similarities went beyond a love for music. We exchanged numbers and started talking.
My story with “G” was and still is one of the biggest friendship wounds that refuse to stop hurting. I truly thought it would amount to something healthy! Alas…
She started giving signs of her childish, entitled attitude very early on. I was the one in denial. One incident I recall was when someone corrected her grammar on twitter — yes, I was still in it, and hadn’t heard much about Elon Musk yet — but it happened to be a super specific word that alluded to the black diaspora. Basically, my friend was disagreeing with some outdated dictionary (yes, dictionaries can get outdated, yes, as a linguist I know what I’m talking about and so does Erin McKean), and the pedantic grammar nerds were trying to bully her. I won’t tell you what word it was, what language it was in, or anything of that sort because I don’t promote witch hunts. Unfortunately, I sometimes have to say the obvious here because some of the people who read my blog on Medium are actually just stalkers who wish they could “get their little revenge”, their little vendetta on me by whichever means they can. Yeah, they think I don’t know. Go back to your caves now, trolls.
Anyway. “G” was super grateful I “defended” her against that “bunch of very mean, racist men” and that’s when she decided to get super close to me. My intention had NOT been to white knight her, I was simply being my linguist arse, and giving her grace because out of all the words out there, one that LITERALLY DESCRIBES HER SOCIAL GROUP I think it’s fair to say she has the right to give her opinion about. But alas, sometimes people misinterpret things. I’ve long learned not to chime in very often where my input wasn’t called, thanks to this “charming” story with “G”.
“G” invited me to events, girl trips, and all sorts of things all the time. I sometimes went and we had a good time, but a pattern started emerging: ever so gradually, she started testing the waters with me. She’d ask my opinion on her looks, and god forbid I ever said anything that wasn’t flattery (I didn’t, I truly find her beautiful, but ya know how some people don’t believe it and think I’m a doormat when in fact I’m seeing good qualities in them that they should just FUCKING STOP THE SELF-LOATHING ALREADY and look at with more objectivity). She wanted me to validate her opinions (which, again, I did, because we genuinely tended to agree), validate her stories (which I had no reason or willingness to investigate and still don’t care whether they’re lies or truth), and this culminated into validating her “personal beef” with people who were visibly innocent.
That’s where shit hit the fan.
“G” once took her short film project to a local competition for funding, didn’t get the funding, I saw what happened and what the judges said to her with my own eyes, and she started trying to get me to agree that the judges had something personal against her. Oh, sure, and probably something personal against everyone else who didn’t win too? Gimme a break.
She knew she was acting like a 5-year-old, which is why she didn’t insist any further. Some days went by, and she invented out of nowhere a story where I had somehow stolen money from her during that trip. I proved beyond any doubt that I hadn’t, and she kept moving the goalposts but was unsuccessful in incriminating me. Regardless, I have a funny feeling that she still gossips to this day to anyone who will listen that I’m dishonest. Okay bitch. You do you.
Do I even need to explain why *literally any woman* who doesn’t take everything personally is a healthy counterpart to G? It’s not rocket science.
H
This, ladies and gents, is a licensed psychologist. She works at a school and allegedly doesn’t offer therapy to adults (I’m starting to wonder whether it’s because children are more naive and manipulable. Oh, never mind, she straight-up TOLD ME that; She confessed, a couple of times actually, how proud she is of being sneaky with bringing them a “healthier” mindset. God only knows what that entails in her actual practice. Not speculating anything, just saying that judging by how she behaves towards friends… Yikes. I hope she’s better professionally). I won’t label her anything in particular, lest I ruffle her feathers and she comes attacking me in the comments with the Medium account she created for stalking purposes and won’t admit she has (as if I was afraid of it, but lol I couldn’t resist mentioning in hopes that she turns down her arrogance and habit of underestimating me a good few notches)… But the story is here.
We met before I knew about the above fact, or the fact she deals with a bunch of self-hatred which she expects others to confirm to her (and will call them fake or manipulative in case they don’t, because god forbid anyone counters her victimist narrative and instead tries to lift her up and help her gain more self-esteem. Gasp! How dare I! Okay girl, you do you, you go ahead and sabotage those relationships some more). What brought us together, instead, was the fact we worship the same god. We walk different paths, and I used to buy it when she said she had no interest in mine, but in retrospect (the eye-openers are always in retrospect with toxic people! Tsk tsk) I can see how she harboured a bit of envy. This is maybe why she got so triggered when I shared an essay about envy with her once, just casually like I do with other controversial topics (because we’d often talk about non-mainstream stuff) — she feels guilty. Anyway, I hope she gets over her envy of the oracle path or at least learns it isn’t “all that”. It doesn’t seem severe, and there’s no pattern of compulsively envying people as far as I can see in her. I’m rooting for her, even after all we went through.
“H” is not a total doormat, thank god, but she does have the unfortunate habit of holding back from saying “no” to people for far too long, only to unload her frustration onto them all at once eventually, as if they had crystal balls. Hell, even when people DO have divinatory abilities, she shouldn’t expect it at all times like an entitled brat. I have a life, for god’s sake, I’m not constantly consulting the oracle. I’m not sure why I’m even saying this in the present tense. Maybe she’s working on that sense of entitlement and has already learned better. Here’s to hoping; But back then, it was quite overwhelming to deal with.
Anyway, that’s an aside. The real problem, in my perception, actually lies in her self-righteous arrogance (which seems to be all-encompassing and also affect other aspects of her interactions with people), because that can prevent her from looking at or addressing certain problems over time. For example, she seems to have a need to overcompensate for insecurities and perceived inadequacy to the point of, uh, sounding like she brags. I know she doesn’t INTEND to brag because her energy tells me a different story, but maybe she can’t help it and it comes like a bit of a reflex — “oh, I’m always willing to take on the most difficult cases at work”. Okaaay… Is that implying she has no time for the easy ones? She’s too good for the easy ones? Or, maybe, she’s saying that so that it doesn’t look too shameful in her perception in case she ever makes a mistake at work? Or insert alternative here; Oh, wait, she’s probably mad now. She accuses people of “mind-reading”, as in the psychological label for a dysfunctional behaviour, whenever they’re making conjectures to understand others because god forbid anyone ever tries to figure anybody else out! Ohh, how dare they! Only she can do that! Only she analyses people! Only she perceives people beyond their face-value social mask! She went to college for that! Everyone should strictly stay on their lanes and never ever flirt with other areas of knowledge! *angry territorial noises*.
The above… sort of explains why she was so fascinated with my oracular path, possibly? I mean, when you’re someone who so rigidly and so stubbornly believes “everyone should stay on their lanes at all times”, “each thing on its place”, etc, it’s not surprising that you’d automatically conclude I’m lucky or my path is somehow more shrouded in mystery than the other ones. As if nobody was allowed to attempt getting into it. As if everything was “nature” and there’s no “nurture” ever. Determinism galore, and not enough room for calling the shots on our own lives. Victimism. This thing here is always, fully, naturally good, that thing there is always, fully, naturally bad. To hell with context. It’s all connected, weirdly.
Back when we broke up, I was too emotionally attached to her friendship to see things clearly. I was under the impression I had somehow accidentally wounded her beyond repair when I dared rejecting / not being ready for one of her unsolicited attempts at healing something in me — like her allegations would have me believe. Today, I see it wasn’t that deep. “H” was just too shy to say “no” to me when I proposed we meet in person during one of her trips to Europe… and perhaps too proud to say “actually I changed my mind” later on, because god forbid I ever accuse her of being a flake and she has no way to defend herself! Oh no! She has to always be the victim and the saint in every situation ever! She’s always perfect, always right, always has her shit together, never makes a mistake! Or that should be how the onlookers perceive her, while she gets to self-loathe.
Little did she know, in case she had said “no” to me at ANY stage, I would have — eventually, AT THE VERY LEAST — respected it. Bold of her to assume I don’t respect consent. Bold of her to think I’d be insistent or invasive. It would be no big deal changing my route, I was travelling as a tourist, with no other commitment. I only didn’t because her disingenuous way to go about saying “no” at the last minute (by creating this whole circus which culminated in an “accidental”, “oopsie” big fight and breakup that JUST HAD to taint my image instead of looking for a win-win solution) made me feel spiteful. But I guess that’s how some people see extroverts in a general sense, oh, ooga-booga, we’re all clueless and uncivilised and villainesque, always get our way because the poor introverted “demure cuties” out there are too polite to talk some sense into us. Talk about prejudice and fear-based unwillingness to learn something new about people!
…OR it could be projection. Ya know, projecting onto me her habit of being invasive under the guise of “just trying to help”. Who knows? Maybe she said it in earnest. Who am I to, ahemm, *clears throat* mind-read?
Allright. In terms of healthy women I can contrast to “H”, there is this much older translator — a fellow Libra, by the way — who also has a big interest in spirituality and occultism (or magic, if you prefer this term). We’re casual friends and have likewise never met, but there’s a much better reason for that: I got her contact through a mutual friend when I had already moved here. She still lives in South America and enjoys updating me on life in Uruguay. I hope one day we’ll meet, and I’ve got a feeling that in case it ends up not happening, it will have been TRULY circumstantial and not as a result of a thinly-veiled panic attack on her part, because she’s too mature for that. This casual friend of mine is truly humble and truly happy with little, not just pretending for humble points. She’s a big homebody, has a small family, goes to Ayahuasca ceremonies because that’s her path, and displays a genuine friendliness and interest in other paths.
Another honourable mention in contrast to “H” goes to an atheist, my boss. Her only similarity to “H” is the fact she goes into the wildest and most interesting tangents — even during meetings — because she’s unafraid of talking about non-mainstream topics. We love her for that. Unlike “H”, though, she’s not afraid of displeasing people or saying very clear “nos”. I know I said she’s my boss, and indeed she holds a leadership position at work, but personality-wise, this woman is quite soft and not very authoritarian. The fact she says “no” to people, whenever needed, without hesitating, doesn’t come before an apology or explanation — sometimes without a real need for that, because she chooses to be sweet — so she’s not doing it to assert dominance or to be perceived as tough. Instead, I believe her motivation has more to do with staying sincere and trustworthy. You can trust her to decide this or that; you can trust her to stand by her word and/or action even when she’s wrong (as in, “oh dear, I was wrong about that. But yea, this is exactly how and where I was wrong, I said X and Y, that was me” — no backpedalling, no manipulation, no throwing the burden on anyone else’s shoulders to keep looking like a flawless saint, etc).
Third comes a Christian, my sister-in-law. We’re not even close, we barely talk, but I respect the way she carries herself with integrity. She has a stronger personality than I. Some people consider her a bit much to deal with, at times, so I’m sure you can accuse her of a lot of things whenever you get mad at her, but if there’s ONE thing you can’t call her, it’s “coward”. That woman is the polar opposite of a coward. She will go to hell and back to stick by the people she chose, the ideals she has, the choices she made. You can call it stubbornness, I guess, but unlike the “bad” kind of stubbornness, it isn’t without a cause. She’s transparent. You don’t feel unsafe around her, and you don’t feel the need to overanalyse her every step “just in case” there’s something subtle in between the lines which will come back to bite you on the butt. Nope. You can relax.
J
Can I summarise this one? I think I’ll summarise it. I’m exhausted at this point, and my friendship with “J” was too brief to warrant a lengthy section here anyway.
I’m calling this person “J” because I just realised it sounds weird to use “I”, given that English pronouns exist lol
So, first things first, the lovebombing: perhaps I deserve a few kudos points with that one because I didn’t let it fly, and she had to resort to other means in order to disrespect me. “J” tried to lovebomb me as soon as she met me, back when I was canvassing for a local politician, because I told her I was from the same homeplace as her. Same homeplace! And now we live in the same town! What were the odds! Yeah, I get that, it’s an interesting coincidence, which is why I gave her a chance and we met up a few times. The very first day, she wanted to hug me before even knowing my name (I declined), asked about my love life (I changed the subject), and offered me some of her homemade food, showing a photo she took of it (I politely declined. But seriously, bitch, I barely know you, how trusting and childlike do you think I am? No offense, but you never know what strangers are up to). So, yeah, that was weird. I should have walked away right there and then, but silly me wanted to be nice.
Some days went by. Out of nowhere, on social media (the one where I don’t talk about religion), “J” came talking about a bunch of things and revealed she was “into witchcraft, but not this neopagan nonsense, Afro-diasporic” (duh, I know, we’re from the same place). I acknowledged it, and that was apparently all she needed to force that topic into every single conversation. I was the one insisting on other topics. Eventually — reluctantly — I revealed to her I don’t just meditate, I practise oracle too, and she seemed super enthusiastic about it. Since my path has a lot of coincidental similarities to Afro oracles (which she’s probably already seen) I wondered how our friendship would develop. I had a bit of guilt for being so guarded, too. In retrospect (as usual…) I should have stayed guarded.
Well, “J” visited and actually consulted. It was ok, but I gradually started getting tired of her pushy attitude and her never-ending stories about people who wronged her but she kept relating with for years and years because she wanted to be nice. (Again, a chronic victim). Couple that with her strange need to give me unsolicited religious advice (despite the fact we had separate paths. I mean, there are similarities, but come on), and I ended up letting her go — not without a dramatic reaction when I told her so.
Healthy women contrasting with “J” include pretty much every tarot reader I’ve ever ended up developing a casual friendship with. I sometimes consult other people’s oracles, I like supporting small businesses, and a second perspective always helps. Some of these people end up becoming casual friends, and our interactions undoubtedly revolve around spirituality and religion more than anything else — but this developed organically and wasn’t out of desperation on either side. My attachment style is avoidant, I don’t hide that fact, but if you give me enough time, closeness happens. What I don’t like is being rushed, pushed, or put between a rock and a hard place. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for some breathing space.
…And to the next ones who are thinking of being toxic: please, please, please, don’t prove I’m right.
I know the song is about men, but I apply it to my female friendships who have developed into a close connection. That’s where, in my life, it fits like a glove. This entire article already explained the reason why. Now, simply enjoy the music.
Hey, in case the series of “karmic” friendships continues, at least now it has a good soundtrack… And the realisation that no matter what, there will always be 3 other experiences that make up for the bullshit. Every single time, baby. Do you know why? I’ll tell you why: because this isn’t about “how I handled” or “how the other person handled” interactions. This is about who I choose to be as a person and who they choose to be as a person. Integrity, character — or lack thereof.
Nobody is born with integrity or character. It’s a conscious choice we need to make. But when you make that choice, IT SHOWS. No amount of smoke curtains or puppet shows can hide that. Like Sabrina Carpenter says, *cue her delightful sultry voice* “if you wanna go and be stupid, don’t do it in front of me”.
The above stories have something in common: the toxicity in these people is not governed by a helpless, woe-is-me scenario; Not by an “oopsie, I mistakenly fucked up” scenario either. THIS kind of fuck-up which has to do with integrity and character, is deliberate (yes it has a reason to happen, yes you can justify it a zillion ways — usually “I’m too cowardly to do the right thing” if you’re honest), but you CANNOT say it’s accidental. It’s a deliberate choice. A choice every three in four women, in my life anyway, are not making because they HAVE integrity and character which prevail over any of their fears or flaws. Having spelled out the stories here, one after the other, now I can say with a resolute confidence that I am NOT accepting anything below that standard.
One could say, “oh, but all these women are victims of the patriarchy, they’re clearly struggling with their self-esteem, they struggle in seeing their own worth, bla bla, etc” — Yes, but (a VERY IMPORTANT “but”) they chose, deliberately, with their own free will, nobody asked them to, but they still chose, to weaponise their wounds against fellow women who could have been their allies if and only if they weren’t so self-centered and immature.
Sorry, but that is why I have no sympathy for these toxic idiots.
Writing this article also helped me gain clarity over the fact that no, it wasn’t everyone. I used to think I felt resentful of, even to some degree “hated”, everyone — especially where past female relationships were concerned. In truth, I never did. It’s just that the minority is too loud, and it creates the illusion of being larger-than-life for that reason. I can, and I did, find 3 contrasting examples for most of them. That helps put things into perspective.
I thought for the longest time that not talking about these people, not telling the stories, would make me the “bigger person”. Perhaps it did, but it allowed for no healing. I don’t care what anybody thinks, I spilled the beans now without the usual vagueness. If these people didn’t want me to shit-talk them, they should have behaved.
If you relate, know that you’re not alone, and try perhaps putting your stories into perspective like I did. It helps.
