From mindfulness to stagnation: how narcissists misuse Buddhist wisdom.
I have no more fucks to give. Consider this an exposé.
I’ll go straight to the point. I can certainly discuss it at length, so if you have questions, use the comments. The article itself will be brief because I couldn’t be arsed. This topic infuriates me. I’m opening the discussion, if you will.
The only caveat I will make is: no, not every Buddhist. The narcissists are a minority in Buddhism, just like they are a minority of the world’s population. So, if the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t force it on. I’m not here to go on a witch hunt. Instead, I’m alerting you all to a danger you might sometimes come across. Although narcissistic people are rare, they don’t need to be many in order to cause damage wherever they go.
Also worth noting: I’m talking about Buddhism because I AM a Buddhist; but this is by no means a problem that only happens in Buddhist circles. Quite on the contrary! I’ve seen narcissists appropriate for their own gain a variety of other Eastern philosophies too: Taoism, Hinduism, etc. The sky is the limit! But I can only talk about the one I’m an insider to. Again, use the comments and let’s discuss other religions/spiritual paths as much as you guys want.
Please note that a misuse is not a misrepresentation.
Let’s start on that note.
Here is something I always say, and I’ll repeat once again: narcissists are not dumb. They’re intelligent.
Narcissists are not going to misrepresent the philosophies they choose to adopt in life. What they often do, instead, is misuse these philosophies. Hence the title of this article (misuse, not misrepresentation). They’re fully capable of understanding what Buddhism is REALLY about, and quoting Buddha’s words without distortion… And still misuse these words nonetheless.
So, what really IS a misuse?
Well, I won’t explain it here (even because the dictionary’s definition suffices. Go look it up). Instead, I’ll give you examples, and let you arrive at your own conclusion:
“Desire leads to suffering”… Says the narcissist who has no interest in BASIC growth.
One thing narcissists don’t seem to understand (or don’t want to understand because it’s inconvenient for them) is CONTEXT.
Even the most wholesome teaching can be bad if the context is wrong. You’ll see that this theme repeats with the next examples too (scroll down).
I mean, yes, indeed, as Buddha said, desire leads to suffering. But let me repeat the question I always ask, and will keep asking, until the penny drops for everybody: who was Buddha? Was he a degenerate? Was he a criminal? A pirate? A madman? No. He was none of these alternatives.
Buddha was a prince. And not a tyrannical prince at that, just a regular guy who happened to have a lot of wealth and privilege. From his perspective (his context, life story, etc), when we examine the saying, “desire leads to suffering”, there’s a lot to unpack. First of all, he wasn’t wrong, he was sharing wisdom acquired in meditation. Indeed, desire leads to suffering… IF AND ONLY IF you already have enough (his context). See that?
Buddha’s teaching is useful for everybody regardless of social class BECAUSE it needs to be contextualised accordingly. “Having enough” doesn’t need to only mean financial wealth. Maybe we could be talking about health — some rich people are poor in health! Maybe it’s love — a lot of people are poor in love, regardless of social standing. And so on.
You see, when you already have enough (whatever it is, fill in the blank), the pursuit of more will eventually lead you to the kind of desire Buddha was talking about. However, it goes without saying (but apparently where narcissists are concerned, we need to say the obvious… #facepalm) if you DO NOT have enough, pursuing is only natural. A fact of life. No problem whatsoever.
The thing narcissists should be pursuing, because they definitely don’t have enough of it, is mental health. But do they? No, they don’t. If they were serious about it, they’d have to confront the narcissistic injury they hide so fiercely and the false self they created to shield them from feeling shame. And what better excuse could there be to AVOID that, than parroting “desire leads to suffering”? Oh, and it earns them kudos points because it sounds wise! How tempting, how convenient, huh.
“We should be compassionate to all beings”… Says the narcissist who REALLY means to force you to put up with their drama.
This is the most infuriating one, by far. When you examine this piece of wisdom, and how it serves to try and make the world a better place (because I’m sure most Buddhists use it in the correct way), it’s jarring how the narcissistic distortion of it almost ruins it, almost makes you want to give up.
(Don’t give up, though. Let’s reclaim it and keep using it correctly)
In a way, this saying is also the easiest to recontextualise outside of the narcissistic distortion — all you need to do is point out that compassion can take many forms, not only listening and enabling people — but the problem with doing that when talking to a narcissist is… *sigh*… they feed on attention.
A minute of silence for that. It really is sad.
They’re “energy vampires”, to use the popular term. Any attention is good attention for them. It’s not by chance that they respond with word salad whenever you try to set the record straight — and the same takes place with this piece of wisdom. It’s not that they didn’t understand, it’s that they’re intent on stretching the “misunderstanding” for as long as possible so that they can suck you dry until you’re totally drained and exhausted.
This is why so many people say (and are right) that narcissists can’t be reasoned with. The most compassionate thing you can do for them is ignore them. It seems paradoxical, but it is compassionate because it doesn’t feed their addiction to attention. Addictions should be curbed, right? They shouldn’t be enabled.
“Find satisfaction where you are”… Says the narcissist who doesn’t want you to break free from abuse.
This saying (or similar. Insert wording here. It repeats a lot in Buddhist lore) connects to the first in the allusion to “just being” as a remedy for greed and excessive hustle; But at the same time, there’s a subtle difference: the emphasis on dialectics. Life is made of shades of grey, not black-and-white. Finding satisfaction, or even joy, in the here-and-now, is always possible BECAUSE of these shades of grey — which doesn’t mean ignoring problems, but instead, acknowledging that two things can be true at the same time.
Narcissists appropriate it, not by misrepresenting it, but by using it (once again!) in the wrong context and as a “band-aid” over the things that in truth should actually be dealt with. Sometimes they teach that unconsciously, just because they’re used to band-aiding life. Their very false self, if you will, is a kind of band-aid over a much bigger problem they make a tremendous effort to ignore and tell everyone it doesn’t exist.
Sometimes when you counter that, you sound like the one in the wrong because “oh no, you’re going against the wise teaching from Buddha!” and “so you don’t agree that we can find satisfaction in the here-and-now? You’re against mindfulness?”
“Well, no, narcissistic karen, I’m not against mindfulness — and neither is any other victim of your manipulation” (is what I would say to the above). I’m simply in favour of addressing elephants in the room. I can do that mindfully, because as we know, there are shades of grey to appreciate too… But the elephant is still there. Let’s not throw a veil over it and call it a day.
“Nothing is fixed or permanent”… Says the narcissist who isn’t interested in taking accountability.
Classic distortion! This one takes what is probably the most well-known Buddhist teaching (hands up if you’re an outsider and already heard it) and applies it to situations where it’s uncalled for. Usually, instances where a narcissist is caught red-handed doing something inappropriate. Oh, but the past isn’t real, so let’s just forget about it and let them get away with it.
Uhhhh… No. Let’s NOT do that.
The past isn’t real, but it can inform the present. The future isn’t real either, but it can be predicted *snaps finger* like this! when we’re dealing with people who resist change. I’m saying this as an oracle, it’s just like clockwork: narcissists are among the most predictable people out there, almost deterministic in how they behave. Since they’re operating off a fake facade, it is finite, it doesn’t have the same riches of complexity and potential you’d find in a real self (aka your average person’s default state of being, not completely hidden and shame-bound like a narcissist’s). So they repeat their offenses again… and again… and again.
They never learn, because learning isn’t a part of this fake self they created. Hence, they find it convenient to go around telling other Buddhists to leave them off the hook because nothing is fixed or permanent.
…They just forgot to note that if nothing is fixed or permanent, neither should their conscience of what they’ve repeatedly done. Ideally, they should learn from mistakes AND IMPROVE AS A PERSON; But they won’t, because that requires shame — even healthy doses of shame — which is their kryptonite.
What do you conclude?
I’m curious to hear your opinions. If anyone has suggestions for more misused or misrepresented teachings, let me know, I might make a part 2.
