Getting used to non-narcissistic dynamics: allowing people to sabotage your relationship with them.
Part 2.
This post is in a series aimed at survivors of narcissistic abuse. It’s not for everyone, it’s just for people who don’t realise they’re “addicted” to narcissistic dynamics. If you haven’t seen part 1, I recommend it.
I kick-started this series by explaining why boredom is your ally and you should use it to your advantage. Today, let’s go a bit further into the topic of “avoiding the roller coaster” of narcissistic dynamics:
Let’s talk about shutting down vampiric arguments with the toxic people who remained in your life, before they even start.
By vampiric arguments, I mean arguments that energy vampires use in order to try stealing your energy. They are a specific kind of argument, designed to take you nowhere and “win” by exhaustion, very common with narcissistic dynamics.
In order to shut that down, I’d like to propose something radical. It might startle you at first, but give it a chance, because the more time you spend on it, the more you’ll see it makes sense:
Give people full, unwavering, unconditional permission to end their relationship with you.
No matter how absurd their reasons for doing so.
No matter how long you’ve been friends or lovers or coworkers or family or [insert here relationship].
No matter how many sweet words (backed up by, uh, let me check… oh yes. No evidence whatsoever!) they throw at you. “I care about you”, “you’re family to me”, etc. Meaningless blabber.
No matter anything else.
I’ll repeat: give them full, unwavering, unconditional permission to end their relationship with you.
“Oh but that’s sabotage”, you might be thinking. Yes, it is sabotage. That’s exactly what the person is trying to do: sabotage your relationship. Narcissist or not (some immature people get into narcissistic dynamics too!), this person probably feels they’re ENTITLED to this relationship because whenever they try to rock the boat, there you go and fix it FOR them. So, instead of continuing to do that, I want you to nod, agree, and say “okay. Walk away if you want. Goodbye”.
Initially, you might be resistant to the idea, even if you agree with it in principle. You might come up with excuses why you can’t or shouldn’t allow people to walk away for dumb reasons.
For example, you might think, “I need to at least try explaining to them why it’s dumb and impulsive of them to decide to walk away because of this small annoyance here”, following the principle that people sometimes decide things on impulse, which they will regret in the future. This is correct! Nonetheless, you’re not their mother (or father). If they want to take dumb decisions they’ll come to regret in the future, let them. And for the love of god, don’t allow them back into your life later if they DO say they “now regret it”. We shouldn’t allow people who haven’t changed back into our lives, just because they use sweet words — but that’s a topic for the next article in this series!
“But what about the friendship/love/etc? Shouldn’t I fight for it?”
No. No, you shouldn’t.
We only fight FOR the people and things that CLAIM US. For example: if you enlisted in the army, and you’re fighting for your country, that’s probably because (or should be because) you’re a citizen of that country and enjoy full belonging in it. You deserve no less than that, and arguably a lot more (but that’s a topic for another post) in order to justify making that sacrifice. You have worth to that country. The country has claimed you. Hence, you can choose to fight for it and protect it.
Another example: if you married someone who loves you back, and you find out a third person tried to create a conflict between you, this is a case where you can decide to fight for the relationship. Your lover has claimed you, and vice-versa. They would do the same for you. See how different that is, compared to when you married someone who doesn’t really love you but wants power over you — they might keep “testing” you by threatening to leave if you don’t cater to their every whim, and that’s a case of not claiming you. You’re disposable to them. They’re only agreeing to keep you around, poor you, worthless you, IF AND ONLY IF you cater to them.
Do you see where I’m getting? You deserve better, my dear. Stop settling for narcissism.
When you allow a narcissist or immature person to sabotage their relationship with you, and miss out on all the incredible things you were building together, they can’t hold you hostage anymore. You’re showing them that “yes, I value all of these things we have together. But I value my dignity even more than all of these things combined. And if you try to take my dignity away from me, nothing in this world will make me fight for our relationship or our history together”.
People who threaten to leave unless you “perform” for them are counting on the fact you’ve invested into them. They know that you tried hard to keep them around, and this is why they’re trying to keep pushing you to your limit in order to “break you” and turn you into an obedient little slave. Allowing them to rock the boat, regardless of your history together, regardless of how much you invested, regardless of your feelings for them, regardless of your comfort or whatever it is they’re holding hostage… Breaks the pattern.
And when you come to that point, a non-narcissistic or mature person will snap out of it. They will realise what is at stake and stop placing so much of the burden on your shoulders. They will start fighting for the relationship too.
Saying “okay, walk away then” and awaiting a reaction will allow you to tell who is real and who is just a narcissist. That’s because:
An immature or narcissistic person, on the other hand, will not even flinch. They won’t even bat an eyelash. They’ll simply accept that you agree with them ending the relationship, and walk away without second thought. Cold-blooded? No, not necessarily. Just showing their true colours. You see, maybe you romanticised this friendship, or romantic relationship, etc, beyond what it deserved. The other person never valued you to begin with. That’s why it’s so easy for them to hear you say “okay, goodbye” and just walk away like that.
I know it hurts to realise that. But if you don’t, you’ll stay trapped.
It can be extremely difficult to realise you never mattered to this person to begin with. You might feel like impulsively “setting the record straight” with them, but DO NOT. I cannot stress this enough: don’t. If you do, this will lead you to a fruitless argument full of word salad, where they steal your energy on top of not helping you make sense of anything.
Here’s another hard-to-swallow pill: people who want to set the record straight, do. There’s no need for you to ask or suggest it. They automatically do. When someone values you, sees the worth in you, they will want you to see and understand them too. On the other hand, a narcissist wants none of that. They wear fake selves for a reason! They do not want anyone to find out who they are underneath the mask. See the difference?
Last but not least:
Sometimes, this “walking away” isn’t literal. The narcissistic and/or immature person won’t literally say they’re ending the relationship if you don’t obey them. Instead, they’ll start baiting you indirectly. They might say, for example, “you’re accusing me falsely of what I didn’t do” because you weren’t okay with something they did or said (and therefore, they’d have to be humble and allow you to hold the power in the dynamics during this conflict resolution — something a person with a huge ego, aka, narcissist or immature, WOULD NEVER. They would rather walk away from the relationship, even without saying “goodbye”); Or they might say something like “well, it’s clear to me that you need to evolve some more / aren’t enlightened yet / etc” (VERY common with fake-spiritual love-and-light narcissists) in response to you doing what you want (that is, standing in your power) instead of doing the thing they wanted you to do (ie, deferring and letting them hold power over you). This is where the fake-nice love-and-light abuser also walks away, even if it’s without putting the “goodbye” into words. So, just so you know, it isn’t always literal — but it’s the same thing nonetheless.
And when these baits come, don’t bite. Pretend you didn’t hear. Continue insisting on protecting your dignity no matter what. Regardless of the baits they throw at you. It doesn’t matter how absurd or rage-inducing they are (because, yes, they will escalate. The person is desperate). Stand your ground. Keep signalling that no, you’re not bulging, your decision is final, and they’re free to walk away if they don’t like it.
It’s about power, in the end of the day.
This is why, when this kind of conflict happens, I sometimes tell the person “I want you to apologise to me. If you don’t apologise to me, I’m not listening anymore”. Is it because I need the apology? Because I believe it’d be genuine? Lol, no. I do that because I know the apology isn’t coming. If a person who wants power over me apologises to me, that’s the biggest sign that they’re agreeing to let me hold some power. And they won’t, because they don’t respect or value me, so of course they don’t want me to have any power in the dynamics. You see, even a fake apology would accomplish that. This is why it never comes. This is why it’s so easy for me to use that as an excuse to call it quits and say goodbye to this kind of person. It works every time.
Is the above manipulative? Yes, on some level, I think it is. Before you criticise me, though, keep in mind that we need to speak people’s language. Some people are so extremely immature, they won’t even understand the language of dignity. They can only speak manipulation. So, in order to make myself understood when dealing with them, I need to speak the language of manipulation — at least to some extent. Otherwise, it’s like speaking English to someone who only knows Chinese. The argument won’t end. Your words won’t land.
This goes without saying: the above isn’t valid for relationships with non-narcissistic and/or mature people. Of course, when dealing with someone who is mature and doesn’t need to “suck” your energy, you can be more flexible and less stubborn. But if it is an immature/narcissistic person, you actually need to stay stubborn. It’s not about the stubbornness — it’s about protecting what they’re trying to steal from you. Remember that! Good luck. And until next time.