Getting used to non-narcissistic dynamics: dare to be ambitious!
Part 4
Have you been holding yourself back too much? We all do, at some stage, as a result of being survivors of a narcissistic upbringing. So, if you relate to that, chances are this article will resonate with you.
This is a series (you might have seen “part 4”, above). Please read part 1, and feel free to search any other articles in the series by browsing on my profile and/or typing “non-narcissistic dynamics” on Medium.
Today I’d like to bring your attention to ambition. It’s a simple topic, but nonetheless very important to keep in mind.
First of all:
Ambition gets misunderstood very easily. So let’s first look into what ambition is NOT.
Western society (with special emphasis to the former colonies — hi there, Americas and Oceania, I’m talking about you) was founded on Christian values due to a mix of imperialism and colonialism. Like anything in life, Christianity has its pros and cons. I’m usually very eager to mention the positive, wise aspects of Christianity here in my blog (browse away), so I think it’s only fair I also talk about the… let’s say less-than-perfect side. People can agree or disagree (use the comments), but I’ll tell you my own point of view unapologetically anyway:
One of the biggest drawbacks of having a Christian worldview is the fact you will end up praising the meek and hating on the ambitious.
If any Christians are reading here, and get mad, may I suggest, direct your anger to Nietzsche as well and not just me. In fact, let’s not go THAT far (Nietzsche was low-key a supporter of pagan values. That’s a bit too far-fetched…), why not side-eye Judaism too? I mean, this is one of the biggest differences between Christianity and Judaism: the moral code regarding ambition. On this specific topic, I’m with the Jew. We shouldn’t demonise ambition. It’s part of human nature. We should pursue healthy ambition, lawful and productive ambition — not its predatory counterpart — but to adopt a completely radical stance (like the Christian do) and say it’s all-evil and won’t get anyone into heaven… Is a bit radical. A bit much. Let’s tone that down a good few notches, shall we.
“Lucy, what are you talking about, I’m not even Christian”
Yes, but if you’re reading this at all, chances are you’re a westerner. You were born and raised into a society that no longer LITERALLY enforces a certain religion, but was nonetheless construed according to this religion’s principles. Let’s not deny that. Internalised stuff is often pretty powerful — it doesn’t matter how badly you try to wish it away.
- The above is all to say: if you have the Christian worldview mentioned, chances are you don’t know what ambition really is. All you know is a fearmongered, exaggerated version of it aimed at dissuading you from healthy growth. And that’s the first misconception.
- The second misconception is borne out of trauma, and as a survivor of abuse, I had it myself for the longest time: ambition = lust for power over other people. Uhhhhhhhhh no. Forget that. Power-hungry people are driven by fear, not ambition. It looks like ambition on a surface level, but it ain’t it.
- The third misconception is when people mistake ambition for addiction or obsession. Again, that’s wrong. Addicts and obsessive people, regardless of what they’re addicted to or obsessing over, have a scarcity mindset — they think there isn’t enough (riches, love, success, whatever) in the world for both them AND others, so they must either compete (to prevent others from reaching their “pot of gold”) or hoard/indulge (again, to prevent others from reaching their “pot of gold”). That’s the opposite of ambition, that’s giving stagnation energy. We don’t love that. Similarly, infinite growth isn’t ambition; it’s neuroticism. Genuine goals are fulfilling in themselves, there’s no need for constantly wanting more and more.
- The fourth misconception, and last (for now!) is the assumption that ambition = narcissism. But no, ambition does NOT equal narcissism. Just because someone brags (or humble-brags), it doesn’t mean they have the guts to go out into the world and pursue their goals. In fact, the opposite tends to be the case: the more boastful, the more afraid of life someone is.
There can be other misconceptions (feel free to suggest). I cited the main ones I’ve either experienced or witnessed so far.
Here’s what ambition TRULY IS:
Aiming high.
That’s it. Plain and simple. Ambition is the act of daring to dream. It’s what little kids do when you ask them “what do you wanna be when you grow up”. They sometimes give you the most unrealistic answers, don’t they? Indeed. They’re aiming high. They’re dreaming big. Maybe some of these kids will never ACTUALLY get there; but do they apologise for dreaming? No. You could say, “oh, but children are just naive. If they knew what it really takes, they wouldn’t dream so big”. Hmmmmmm… I’m not so sure.
Adults love underestimating children’s intelligence, don’t we? I don’t think most kids are “entirely oblivious” to the fact their dream job is far-fetched. If they were, at least some would become very bitter and disillusioned at the truth. But we don’t see that happening. What we see happening, instead, is children growing up, becoming teenagers, and holding no hard feelings whatsoever at the fact their initial “dream job” is now looking unrealistic. They just… sort of shrug and move on to more teenage topics (such as love interests).
My point is: to be ambitious is to dream big.
I didn’t say “feel so entitled to your dream coming true that you obsess”. I said simply dream big. Read that again.
Sometimes, it’s not meant to be, or it’s not the time/place, or you refine your priorities and decide that staying laser-focused on a childhood dream isn’t worth it in the end. But does ANY of that negate the ambition? No. The ambition IS the act of dreaming big. Nothing else is required.
Ambition doesn’t require success in order to “be a thing”. You can fail but stay ambitious. In fact, that’s the best kind of ambition: the one that lives beyond error. It’s not in vain that we say “trial and error”. Perhaps one day you’ll get there if you persist. But if you let perfectionism get in the way…
Anyway.
The point of ambition isn’t to “actually get there” and “prove you can”. These are fear-driven objectives — you’re afraid of social rejection, you want people to admire you, and for that to happen, you need to impress them by having success at an ambitious endeavour. Eh. That’s narcissism, love. Revisit the list of misconceptions.
Healthy ambition comes from within. It’s not dependent on “what others will think”. It’s simply about admitting that it would be nice if you got there, and you wouldn’t back away from claiming that result if you actually did achieve it. I mean… Strange things happen. Life takes surprising turns. Certain dreams can be unlikely, but never impossible. Keep that in mind.
Here’s the thing: instead of asking yourself “why me”, maybe you should ask yourself “why not”. Oh, such-and-such thing is very grandiose; Okay, AND? If it does happen, will you keep thinking you don’t deserve it? Why? You’re not inherently worse than anybody. Perhaps the narcissistic abuser wanted you to think less of yourself, because narcissists are vampires. That doesn’t make it true, though.
So, next time you catch yourself thinking (random example incoming) “oh but that’s THE most prestigious job/University/etc, it’s not for me”, ask yourself “why not”? It’s unhealthy to have zero other plans — sure, find happiness where you DO get accepted — but if it happens to be “the one”, why diminish yourself or think you don’t deserve it? Clearly you deserve if you achieved it, silly.
Apply a similar logic to literally any ambition of yours. One of mine was, back in the day, moving to Ireland. Fearful people with a scarcity mindset around me kept saying, “oh, but that’s too far away; too expensive; etc”, and did I listen? Well, yes. There was logic to that. I made a plan B, and a C. One day, though, I found an opportunity to move here. I took it. And the far-fetched thing actually happened.
Currently, I’m focusing on oracular work; And weird coincidences keep pointing me to…well… let’s just say, THE shit. I’ve been learning from a tradition that used to be super highly regarded in the past. But who do I think I am to claim that? Well… Let’s stop diminishing myself. Let’s ask, instead, “why not?”. I’m not forcing things. Surely I must deserve what I came across, on some level. And if people find it “too much” or too intimidating, well, that’s their problem.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve already wasted almost 30 years of my life making myself smaller to fit into narcissistic people’s worlds. Life is short. Let’s not have more regrets than stories to tell when our final day comes.
