Getting used to non-narcissistic dynamics: revealing to friends your “secret” interests.
Part 3.
This is a series. Part 1 is here, I recommend you read it first. I won’t make an index, but they’re all tagged “non-narcissistic dynamics”. Search away.
So, after you learn what kind of person to keep in your life and what kind of person to part ways with in order to surround yourself with non-narcissists… It’s time to start addressing the lingering “narcissistic dynamics” in your autopilot. In other words: let’s start embracing healthier ways of relating to one another.
One of the first steps (or arguably, THE first step) in that direction is to tackle the toxic shame you may be harbouring around concepts that… Are not shameful at all!
You see, narcissistic abusers create shame around ANYTHING that isn’t what they had in mind for you — even if it’s a totally harmless thing that a sane person wouldn’t bat an eyelash at — because they’re parasites. They need to control you in order to feel emotionally regulated. It’s not really about morals, it’s about control and power. So, let’s call a spade a spade, and let’s leave this conditioning behind.
For example: my interest in oracles.
If you see my name here, you understand I’m into divination. This hasn’t always been the case, though — the public admissal, I mean. I think I was born with an interest in oracles, but I didn’t always display it; or was very disproportionately criticised when I tried to, as a child.
You see… Oracles aren’t exactly mainstream, but they’re not considered bad by the general population either. Unless you’re in some kind of cult (especially Christian cults), I bet you agree with me that when most people see tarot cards, runes, tea leaves, palmistry, crystal balls or channelled messages these days, they just shrug and go on with their day. It’s an interest not everybody has, but gone are the days when we’d get burned at the stake for it. You can pursue it. It’s alright to pursue it. Nobody will take you to prison for it.
This is different from, say, pornography if you’re underage; firearms, depending where you live; etc. It’s also different from (unfortunately) homosexuality in places where it’s illegal — I’m sure even supportive, pro-LGBT parents would be concerned for your safety if you’re homosexual and live in one of those countries. These things are not what I’m talking about today.
I’m talking about completely harmless, optional, and legal pursuits — things that any sane person would shrug at and say, “if it’s your thing, go for it”. Well… Narcissists might not agree. And if you’re used to narcissists, you probably think everyone will absolutely shun you for displaying an interest that they didn’t themselves pursue… But that’s a wrong assumption. I’m here to set the record straight for you. Non-narcissistic people do not care (and I cannot stress this enough!), they do not give a single fuck whatsoever, if you have interests or participate in activities they aren’t into. It’s safe to mention those things to them. It’s safe to be you.
In my case, my narcissistic mother used many different tricks to try and stop me from having interests of my own, other than the ones she dictated for me. This resulted in me obsessing, like an autistic kid, about the things I absolutely didn’t want her to take away from me. I wasn’t autistic though. I behaved like a kid on the spectrum because I had no other choice. Obsessing over and hyperfocusing on things like indigenous culture, or horses, or pokemon, or you-name-it [insert 90s girls’ trend here] and literally throwing tantrums if I couldn’t get to experience these things, was the only way for her to say “oh god, ok, I give up” and let me have them. Otherwise, it would have been a very exhausting uphill battle to get her to even notice — or sometimes stop demonising out of nowhere, for no logical reason whatsoever — the choices I made without her input. Conversely, if I were “obedient” (like she said she wanted me to be) and “agreed to” play with the dolls she wanted me to have, or enjoy ballet and makeup and “girly girl” things, or [insert here HER interests which were about HER, not ME], she wouldn’t resist at all and would be very open from the beginning. So, no, I wasn’t being “annoying” by wanting to have a personality separate from hers. She was the one taking her control over me to obnoxious levels… And complaining of my very normal reaction to that.
Anyway, you get the gist.
Specifically with divination, I’ve always been into it, and as usual, she tried to dissuade me from it. Perhaps you’re wondering, was it because she was genuinely concerned about something? No. Hm, let me see… Because she had a prejudice and perhaps would rather I follow the Christian faith? Lol, no, she wasn’t a practicing Christian at all. So… Was it because I said or did anything creepy? Also no. (If it was, she would have told me about it. Trust me. She loved lecturing me). So, you see, my narcissistic mother had no justifiable reason for putting so much time and energy into stopping me from pursuing oracular activities. If anything, she used this kind of service pretty damn often, like I already mentioned in a previous article where I give you a glimpse into my story from childhood — she had this alleged “best friend” of hers whose entire career was about divination! I mean… What the fuck. The double standard made no logical sense.
…But the real reason why she wanted me to forget about this path was, as I’ve come to learn, selfishness: she wanted me to be an extension of hers. And since she, herself, didn’t go for that path, neither should I. Why? Because. Just because. Go figure, narcissists are crazy. Their level of enmeshment and disregard for other people’s separate identities is extreme.
Why am I telling you the story above? Well, I wanted to provide an example that helps me get my point across: if you’re a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and at the same time but “apparently you don’t know why”, you have this habit of being super secretive about certain interests and/or personal pursuits of yours that don’t need THAT much secrecy because there’s nothing objectively wrong with them… And yet, you can’t help yourself, you keep being secretive anyway… I’m here to help you figure why. And the reason why you do that, is because you’ve probably been through a similar upbringing, where a narcissistic caregiver would create taboos out of nowhere about the most random things, and just randomly decide you weren’t allowed to do any of these things.
Ultimately, the narcissist doesn’t like your separate personhood. Instead, they want to force you to behave like an extension of them.
It sounds crazy because it IS crazy. We’re talking about people with a severe personality disorder, so severe that it can be found in the same section as psychopathy in the DSM-5 (cluster B disorders). So, if you were brought up by this kind of person, with this kind of disorder, you shouldn’t underestimate the damage to your mental health. I know we like to downplay it (or I do, anyway. It’s a bad habit of mine) because we wish we could be “over it” since it’s been “so long ago already”, but there’s no shame in admitting that you have been the victim of severe psychological abuse. Not just any abuse. Severe abuse. The kind that tries to prevent you from growing up and becoming a functional adult. The kind of abuse where you’re conditioned to be forever dependent on this narcissistic caregiver, not because you need to, but because it’s convenient for their sense of identity (it’s as selfish as it sounds). These are just facts. It’s nothing personal.
So, here is the first step for breaking free from the shackles of toxic shame: as difficult and annoying as it sounds, admit to yourself wholeheartedly that what you’ve been through was nothing short of psychological torture. Stop downplaying it. Stop sugarcoating it. Gone are the days when you needed to downplay it because otherwise you’d be all alone as an underage person in this big bad world. Now, you’re an adult. Now, it’s safe to face this fact. You were controlled, manipulated, and even sometimes coerced, into having to ask the narcissist’s permission every time you wanted to make your own personal choices or have your own personal likes and dislikes — and the alternative was to make those choices anyway, but keep them secret.
See why the secrecy?
But the thing is… normal people aren’t controlling to that extent. You can relax around them. You can experiment with telling your new, non-narcissistic friends, things about you that they might not fully understand or be onboard with — and (gasp!) they’ll just accept it and move on with the conversation. No drama. No subtle digs or attempts at force-fitting you into a mould. Mind-blowing but real.
Try it. You’ll be pleasantly surprised. Here are some of the reactions I got when telling non-narcissistic people who weren’t into oracles about my oracular pursuit, or who weren’t into trad music about my harping, or who weren’t into tattoos about the ink I just got, (the list goes on):
- They said “cool”, then moved on to another topic.
- Some people expressed interest, asked me questions and even got me in contact with others who shared my interest.
- Some told me stories about people they know who shared my interest.
See? This is what non-narcissists do. They react in many particular ways, but there is a constant: they allow you to be you. They think they have no business in trying to change you to become more alike them.
