Guru or covert narcissist? How to tell in 5 simple steps.
They’re truly simple! Try it out and you’ll see.
There’s always misinformation making the rounds online. I decided to tackle a tiny fraction of it today.
The following steps compare and contrast people who have real spiritual wisdom to share VS covert narcissists who are just pretending to. The real ones come first, and the narcissists come second (in case the titles are a bit confusing), but you can also read the brief explanations and find out more.
1. They make small talk without a problem VS they look down on small talk and let everybody know about it.
This isn’t about liking or not liking “uninteresting” idle talk which “the unawakened” engage with. Nobody has the obligation to like it. This is, instead, about the attitude we harbour towards or against other people. After all, you can dislike something but keep your dislike to yourself. It’s the moment you SHARE the opinion that reveals whether or not you’re coming from a place of condescension and superiority complex.
If you know even the basics about spirituality, you probably know that loving your neighbour is a common theme across faiths. This doesn’t automatically mean turning a blind eye to your neighbour’s wrongdoings; Instead, it means, yes, holding people accountable, but at the same time holding space in love for them to come back to a balanced centre when they’re ready for it. So, love should stay on the background. If it isn’t — if it gets replaced with scoffing and looking down on people to make yourself bigger — we’ve got narcissism manifesting. So, if the “guru” you found has that attitude, guess what. Real ones meet people where they’re at. INCLUDING behind their back, when talking or not talking about the value or lack of value of small talk.
Another useful consideration is the wisdom we can extrapolate from Delphic maxim #3 (the one that’s hard to translate. Click here for my own analysis, and by all means share yours in the comments). However you word this maxim in plain English, there’s something to say about not jumping to conclusions. So, let’s not jump to conclusions about the people we don’t know too well. Let’s face it: you don’t make “small talk” with close family or best friends. You make small talk with those you aren’t [yet] very close to. Chances are, they’re feeling awkward too. Maybe they want to initiate something without going too deep too soon, and this is what the “boring” small talk can stand for in a lot of cases. Sure, there might be people out there who never get out of the small talk phase because they’re really closed off to intimate connections and/or have other problems with emotional avoidance; But is that AUTOMATICALLY the case? Every single time? Are you sure about that? Don’t be so sure. Careful about assumptions!
You see, it’s not willy nilly that I’m talking about narcissism here. This habit of making assumptions and “setting them in stone inside your head”, so to speak, because they’re oh-so-accurate and you’re oh-so-right… screams narcissism, doesn’t it? May I suggest, read a bit of Socrates. His wisdom might help with this specific problem.
2. They encourage connection VS they preach isolation and introspection.
This one can be a bit tricky to identify. After all, retreating and introspecting aren’t bad things! They have loads of benefits. However, pay attention here: it’s the PREACHING that gets iffy.
When you meet someone with real wisdom, this person doesn’t feel the need to constantly remind you about “the importance of peace and quiet”. Hell, chances are you already know it’s important, and this is how you met this guru in the first place! Here you can apply the common sense knowledge that some things don’t need to be said.
Chances are these narcissists don’t even notice what they’re doing; they don’t even notice how often they repeat to others (which is to say, they’re repeating to themselves — because of projection — as if trying to convince themselves of the fallacy) that “you must retreat, you must prioritise alone time, peace and quiet”… Because it’s unconscious for them. They unconsciously place a lot of value and weight on other people’s judgement, which is why they tend to be weary of who they interact or don’t interact with. This, in turn, gives rise to delusions that, “oh, I’m just being spiritual. I’m just being sensitive to the energies around me. Nothing alarming here. Nothing to see here”; When in fact, that’s not true. It’s good old covert narcissism rearing its ugly face, making the fake guru ignore the fact they’re just afraid and/or feel at the mercy of other people.
Now… contrast that to a truly wise person: instead of preaching isolation, they encourage connection. Sure, they might practice isolation from time to time, to recharge their batteries, to meditate, and whatnot; But there’s no need to MENTION it pedantically and ad nauseam; Especially not out of the context of a meditation class or whatever. What they DO talk about, instead, is the importance of community, of showing people that you’re there for them, of appreciating the small things in the everyday — which, yes, include our daily contact with other humans. And the reason they CAN do that, is they’ve gone past that angsty “delayed teenagehood” phase of caring way too much about the people (or “energies”) around you.
Let’s face it: sensitivity to energies does not go away. There are plenty of sensitive people who nonetheless acknowledge and pass on the value of connection and coexistence. There’s no excuse, guys. Introverts will introvert, extroverts will socialise, but regardless of temperament, you CAN (and you probably SHOULD) open your mind to what the world around you has to offer — and treat hostile input with discernment, not just automatic fear.
3. They worship and surrender to deities VS they worship and surrender to human beings.
This one is almost always implied. You won’t find many narcissistic people saying it outright — but look between the lines for it. Take a look at whose books they recommend, whose words they cite, etc, and especially HOW they recommend or cite this material: is it as just another helpful source “this might help FYI”? Or……. is it implying they’re talking about someone who is untouchable?
Important caveat: not every spiritual person has a theistic belief system. That’s ok. When I say real masters worship and surrender to deities only, what I’m saying is IN CASE they believe in god or gods (or elevated ancestors akin to gods; the point being, NOT mere mortals), they do that; And in case they adopt a more atheistic / agnostic approach, they will not replace that with the worship of some guy among us — regardless of how wise or high-ranking is this guy.
Their narcissistic counterparts, on the other hand, almost always — nearly without fail! 99.99% of cases is my educated guess — have some human idol.
I’m not talking about literal idols like the stuff you put on an altar (although I wouldn’t put it past them to sculpt one for a human “image of perfection”, lol), but what I mean here is more like a mental ideal they keep of someone who lives among us, as infallible and absolutely perfect. This human being is beyond reproach in their view, and each and every person who disapproves of anything about this idol must be “a hater” armed with “a defamation campaign”. Och! The drama!
At first glance, this may look like the “guru” you found is just gullible or easily impressed, but make no mistake: it’s not as innocent as that. The fact they worship a human being (to the point of defending this human being like a greyhound even when it’s undeserved or people’s scrutiny makes actual sense) goes to show that this is how they see the guru path as a whole. They want to be on THAT level for their own followers. They want a cult of endless admiration filled with yes-men and protection from accountability.
4. They see the potential in everyone and refrain from commenting on it VS they classify people into two boxes: “awakened” VS “unawakened”.
I probably don’t need to explain this in detail. Watch out for implied versions of it — not just direct comments that put labels on people.
It’s worth it to mention that there’s nothing wrong with comparing and contrasting approaches to spirituality to try and see which one is more or less effective for walking your chosen path. So, we could talk about techniques that help you awaken to this-or-that in specific; But it’s when we start talking about PEOPLE who are or aren’t “awakened” (like that, in a general sense) that narcissism comes online.
Someone who is really wise wouldn’t do that, because they understand you can’t slap a label on anyone’s awakening. Maybe your cousin Joe has learned piece of wisdom X, but he is yet to come across Y, and when you talk to your coworker Áine, she already knows Y but is wondering about Z. It goes on… Nobody is well-rounded enough in the set of life lessons they’ve learned in order to be called “awakened” or “more awakened than”.
5. They reflect on religious proverbs and maxims with patience and nuance VS they interpret the same through black-and-white all-or-nothing thinking.
Buddha said anger is a poison = let’s shame each other if we ever get angry again from now on!
Ever seen that one play out? Similar iterations can be found in every faith.
Instead of, for example, taking the assertion that anger is a poison (ie, it’s one of the poisons of the mind, not the only one, according to Buddhist thought, in case you didn’t know) and pondering what it means in different contexts and situations… fake “gurus” will simply jump to the conclusion that it’s all-bad, that’s that, period, nothing else needs to be said.
If you were applying REAL nuanced thinking to this same context, you’d perhaps arrive at the conclusion that “poisons don’t always kill” or “poisons depend on the dosage”, as well as “…but poisons have an inherent danger about them nonetheless” and on and on you’d go. This kind of deliberation is something narcissistic people have a hard time processing or seeing the use of, because of their difficulty with object constancy. Hence, they resort to black-and-white thinking instead.
There you go. These are the 5 keys to differentiate a person with wisdom from a person with narcissistic tendencies hiding behind a mask of fake wisdom and wholesomeness.
I hope it was helpful.
