Have I become a picky disciple?
Coming to terms with the addiction to people-pleasing, and what it means when you have a spiritual path to follow.
Recently, I have caught myself getting “the ick” with spiritual teachers because of seemingly small annoyances with them. This could just end up being one of those silly moments when I end up realising I’m being egotistic. I’m human, after all. The thing is… What if it isn’t? What if there’s a bigger problem behind that, which I’m perceiving with my 6th sense?
Don’t get me wrong — this article is not to say I’m ungrateful. In fact, the contrary is true: I feel a lot of gratitude for the genuine lessons learned along my path, even with people who turned out not to be the best fit for me in the end. They couldn’t have been any better if they tried. Maybe it’s just that this whole context of seeking external help for self-improvement leads me to old vicious cycles. This is no teacher’s fault. It’s just an irony of fate.
Another thing worth mentioning is I’m not expecting perfection out of anyone. I know it may seem like my standards are too high, and in fact they are (I’ll give you that), but “high” doesn’t equal “absolute”. There are a lot of human flaws I tolerate perfectly well and can live with, both in myself and in others. These flaws show up all the time, and I tolerate them, which is why I’m telling you about them. The problem is with other flaws I consider deal-breakers, and also keep encountering. Who knows? Maybe I am here to learn to become more tolerant to these deal-breakers (or else, I wouldn’t be forced to deal with them so often). It’s a possibility. The opposite is equally possible, however: maybe these deal-breakers repeatedly show up in my life because I haven’t yet decided to cut off all communication with someone at the first sign of them. Maybe life is testing me, so that I learn to stand up for what I believe in without bulging, even with a thousand obstacles.
You see, there is danger in settling for the “life is teaching me tolerance” narrative when you have a history of people-pleasing behaviour (as is the case with me)— tempting as it is, because it implies learning to be a nice girl, and who doesn’t want to be seen a nice girl? Someone who includes everybody, embraces everybody, gives a chance to everybody. That’s good PR if I’ve ever seen it! — because maybe it ISN’T always a sign of spiritual evolution. It could just be a sign of a relapse. Yes, people pleasing can be an addiction. I’ve been addicted to it before because it helped me cope, and come out alive of, a relationship with a narcissistic parent. It’s kind of like alcoholism, you’re never fully okay again to go back to drinking socially. Even if it’s just one glass. Right? Because that’s gonna lead you to a relapse. Similarly, with people-pleasing, you can never reach a point in the recovery journey where it’s suddenly safe to be nice to anyone without good reason… Or that’s gonna lead you to a relapse where you start people-pleasing again WAY more than the average person.
And this is no reflection on anyone’s character. It isn’t that “others are out to get me, others will take advantage of me at the first opportunity”. No. Instead, I invite people, and even insist and beg them (subconsciously, without realising) that they should please cross my boundaries all the time. I’m an addict. An alcoholic can’t blame it on the bottle. The bottle is just there. It just exists.
Perhaps what I need to tell myself, at this moment in time, is: I have an addiction. It has been under control for a grand total of 3 weeks, but if I don’t keep monitoring myself, I will fall back on the toxic pattern all over again.
Yes, hi. My name is Lucy. I have been sober from people-pleasing for 3 weeks. It’s hard.
The thing with people-pleasing is… It’s one of those habits everyone assumes are just part of someone’s personality. In fact, no, it isn’t and has never been part of my (or anyone’s for that matter) personality. It’s an addiction like any other! But since there is no substance involved, it looks more “normal”. It’s invisible. Similar, perhaps, to a shopping addiction. Well, shopping isn’t like alcohol, is it? Shopping is not something optional and adult only. It’s an activity everyone needs to engage in from time to time, because otherwise, it’s impossible to have access to some essentials. The addiction just takes it to another level entirely.
So… with alcohol, you can decide to stay away from it by not buying alcohol. I imagine it gets tricky if you’re surrounded by people who like to gather in bars and clubs, but other than that… You can pretty much go about a regular 9-to-5 Tuesday without even catching a glimpse of an alcoholic beverage. Not to dismiss anyone’s struggles; On the contrary, I firmly believe EVERY addiction is equally as hard to deal with; I’m just comparing and contrasting big pictures.
With other things like shopping or people-pleasing, however… it’s harder to decide to spend a full day without them because society is structured in such a way as to prevent that. Maybe if your addiction is shopping, you can theoretically spend a couple of days without spending money if you plan your week very well, but there will come a day, inevitably, when you’ll need to enter a shop again — and deal with all the anxiety surrounding that activity.
So, you don’t even have the option to go through that initial phase where you decide to avoid the places where your object of addiction is. No. You just have to skip it and go straight to navigating every space normally, somehow without getting triggered. It takes superhuman strength and determination.
With people-pleasing, you can theoretically spend a day without it IF you plan your week in such a way as to have the least amount of contact possible with other people. There are other alternatives, but they can bring very nasty side-effects, such as being rude or grumpy by default: people’s first assumption won’t be “oh, he/she/they has an addiction, let them be”. Instead, it’s more along the lines of “he/she/they is so unpleasant! I don’t want to meet them going forward”. I know it because I’ve been there. It was debilitating and depressing. We are social creatures. Even the most reclusive of introverts will suffer in isolation for too long. And mind you, I’m not even introverted.
A happier middle ground is keeping relationships surface-level. This lowers the stakes, and it’s easier not to feel compelled to go above and beyond for someone when you’ve already decided “this is just a casual acquaintance”. So… friendships become a bit of a taboo. A no-go area. But friendships are still an optional part of life. You can function, and even thrive, only with family and acquaintances. It happens all the time.
The problem is people-pleasing addictions don’t only manifest in friendships. They manifest in every relationship. In family and with lovers, it’s normalised, so it doesn’t bring you immediate consequences — but don’t be fooled, the people-pleasing IS THERE. At work, it can be a problem. In the classroom, it can also be a problem. And perhaps most dangerously, in your spiritual life (if you have one), it can lead you to adore and worship human beings who are behaving as cult leaders.
I’ve come to realise I live my life in a never-ending struggle. I am like an alcoholic forced to drink a teeny tiny bit of alcohol per day — something the average person would shrug at, but for an addict, it feels like torture. (Attention, metaphor ahead). My “alcohol” is “being nice to people”. I can either decide to do it all the time or not to do it ever ever ever, but if I do it at all, I do not know how to stop after the first bit. I know it sounds weird, but it’s like my brain has unlearned what the safe measure is, or what this activity looks and feels like when “normal”.
Sometimes I imagine myself gathering as much information about boundaries and psychology of relationships as possible, and FINALLY getting to a point where I know how to mask my addiction: learning to imitate what people normally consider a “trespassing” of boundaries and what they normally consider an “okay thing” to enmesh yourself with someone else about. But I’d imagine I would just do that robotically, yes? It wouldn’t be coming from a healed inner self who is being authentic and acting on its best interest. No, instead, it would feel more like a theatrical performance. Do I want that for myself? I don’t know. But is there another feasible alternative, all things considered? I don’t know either.
I guess this article is just a big vent. It’s okay. I don’t need to have any of the answers just yet. I simply need to put it out there and hope to provide other addicts some relatability. I see you. You’re not alone.
In the end of the day, maybe it’s bad for me to look for teachers (spiritual or otherwise). Maybe I need a few years of walking under my own guidance. It can look like I feel “too good” for anyone, but I know that’s not true. And maybe I don’t need to convince anyone else of my truth.
