How to humbly give an opinion WITHOUT giving our power away?
Yes, it’s possible. In fact, it’s the best way to be humble.
I was talking to linguist friends about pragmatics (I sometimes have to remind myself I’m a linguist by profession. I didn’t start out as an oracle, lol) and we arrived at the following conclusions:
People who “sound like authorities” do all of the following:
- Don’t minimise their own opinions or apologise for having opinions;
- Display a positive self-image in their speech;
- Make their examples either specific or backed by scientific evidence;
- Stay focused on facts, not on people who might have wronged them.
- Have an internal moral compass.
However, if you leave the above conclusions “as is”, you’re not filtering out dangerous people like narcissists or psychopaths — they’re capable of all of the above, and yet, they often fool people into believing they know what they’re talking about when in fact they’re ignorant and just “out for blood”.
So, if our objective is to command respect from a place of authenticity and good faith, we need to look into each of the items in more detail.
Value your own opinions… but don’t die on any hill.
Let’s start by “don’t minimise your own opinions or apologise for having them”. What does that mean in practice?
Well, let’s say you have a habit of prefacing your opinions with “I could be wrong but” or “if you’ll allow me to chime in”. Do you? Then, please stop. I’m not speaking from a high horse, I used to suffer from the same addiction to apology. I have first-hand experience to tell you that it’s not good for you.
Maybe you’ll be resistant to the idea and tell me, “but Lucy, if I don’t do that, I’ll become arrogant”. And the answer to that is “yes, that’s a common misconception. But no, it’s not true”.
Arrogance doesn’t come from a one-off occurrence, especially if we’re talking about speech. It comes from a pattern of arrogant behaviour repeating over time. So, if you assert yourself ONCE, that doesn’t automatically mean anything about your arrogance or humility. It’s the lack of insistence on “keeping the upper hand” over the other person that will signal you are, in fact, humble.
For example: if you simply give your opinion (ie, “Well, here’s what I think. [Insert opinion here]”) without apologising, and someone disagrees, THAT IS WHEN you have an opportunity to be humble. Not before. A humble person, faced with that scenario, will acknowledge the disagreement and hold space for the other person to differ — without trying to change or control how they think. But apologising for having an opinion from the get-go? No. That’s not humble, that’s a lack of self-respect. Everyone has a right to an opinion. You included. You are someone, after all.
Display a positive self-image with the words you use.
Please don’t assume I’m talking about praising yourself. I’m simply referring to cultivating the habit of valuing your own presence in the conversation.
For example: some people have the bad habit of insulting themselves when asking questions. “Sorry, this might be a dumb question but”. Does that ring a bell? Yeah, stop that. It’s not cute. It’s harmful and makes your subconscious register the false idea that you’re not worthy.
I know this comes from a good place, and sometimes you GENUINELY think the question you’re going to ask is too basic and “out of character” for you given what you already know. That happens and it’s perfectly understandable! That said… Let’s not forget that if the person you’re talking to doesn’t want to engage with simple or dumb questions… that sounds like their problem, doesn’t it? You shouldn’t make other people’s problem your problem. Keep that in mind.
Ask your question. Even if it’s objectively dumb, your question has a reason to be, it deserves to be asked, and you’re not committing a crime by asking it. A lot of dumb questions need intelligent answers, did you know that? They invite the best discussions because they’re unexpected. Also, any teacher worth their salt won’t dismiss a learner because their questions aren’t “smart enough”. That’s a red flag for covert narcissism, by the way. (“Oh, I don’t ever talk to people who aren’t interesting”. I’ve heard that one from a so-called philosopher. It’s just like saying “I only hang out with the rich” or “I have no patience for average joes”. Same exact logic. It’s rotten). You don’t want narcissists in your life, so please kick out anyone who does that.
“But Lucy, what about admitting you aren’t good at something?” — Well, here is a wild take: when you suck, people know. There’s no need to say “I suck”. And you are gonna suck at something at some point, that’s only natural, nobody is good at everything… But announcing that before anyone asks? Why? You have worth, my dear.
You can make references to your mediocrity with jokes in a more casual situation, such as with friends over the weekend. Self-deprecating humour is fun and there’s nothing wrong with it… But if you’re in a professional context, or some other place where you need to convey authority, skip that.
Back-up your examples with direct anecdotes or scientific data.
Before anyone takes this the wrong way: re-read the title of this entire article. We’re not talking about peer-reviewed assertions. We’re talking about opinions. Opinions ARE subjective. Anecdotal evidence is perfectly fine.
“But Lucy, what else exists other than data or anecdotes?” — generalisations, for example. Stereotypes. Prejudice. Wishful thinking. Delusions. Projections. The list is non-exhaustive and they’re all TERRIBLE for anyone who wants to convey authority. Of course these are loaded terms… people don’t usually admit they’re projecting or arguing based on a delusion. However, it happens. In order to prevent it from happening, let me repeat: let’s focus on anecdotes and objective evidence, because both are likely to be LEGIT sources. They’re not abstractions taken out of anyone’s arse.
So, next time you catch yourself saying something that you “somehow know, period”… try and filter through it. Chances are it’s a delusion, or a projection, or some other invalid justification. And before you assume it’s intuition, please read my article about intuition. We’re doing ourselves a disservice by taking our intuition for granted. Intuition is NOT something we’re born with! It takes deliberate honing and practicing. I repeat: if you suddenly came up with an argument you can’t trace back to a source (not even a familiar intuitive voice inside you which is reliable, unbiased, you’ve already tested, and repeatedly helps you out), chances are it’s coming from your shadow (in a Jungian sense) and you’re better off not using this argument.
…Or use it if you want! But be aware that people might not respect you for it.
Focus on facts, not on who did what.
This is not to say you should diminish the importance of accountability; I’m simply saying that a focus on facts conveys authority; a focus on people conveys that you’re petty. Which one do you choose?
“But Lucy, I have a story that serves as a good example of my point” — then tell the story. I personally do that all the time. This is precisely what I mean by anecdotal evidence: stories you have with other people or situations. That said, make sure you’re telling the story for the sake of clarity. The story should help you make a point. It shouldn’t BE the whole point. Otherwise, that’s just gossip and bitterness.
If in doubt, ask yourself: will my point still stand if I remove this personal story from what I have to say? If it does, you’re good to go. If it doesn’t… rethink that “point”. Chances are it’s just gossip in disguise.
Once again, I’ll remind you that this guideline should help you command respect. If you still wanna be a gossiper, who am I to stop you? All I’m saying is it has a price.
Rely on your internal moral compass, not on people’s whims (disguised as “morals”).
Listen… There’s no need to go against the consensus. “Killing is evil”, says the consensus, so you go and be a contrarian and become a serial killer. No. Don’t do that.
My point is, instead, more along the lines of keeping in mind that people have agendas. And these agendas don’t always have your best interests in mind. For example, almost nobody announces to the four winds “I’m a racist!” or “I’m against dignity for women!” or insert evil take here. Obviously not! They will instead disguise their conservative and backwards views as something else that looks good on a surface level — such as “oh, I’m just against terrorism” or “I’m such a good person, I just want women to remember virtue”. This reminds me of THE IRONY in how anti-choice people word their movement: “oh, we’re not anti-choice, we’re pro-life”. Awwwww, pro life! How lovely, how wholesome! #not
What did Medieval people say to justify witch burnings, or torture, or even the motherfucking Crusades? “It’s in the Bible” is it? Oh, funny, now in 2025 there isn’t a trace of any of that backwardness anymore and we still use the Bible. It’s still useful, WITHOUT Medieval butchery and barbarism. Who would have thought? It’s almost as if that whole “inevitability” was just an excuse for the tyrants in power to be sadic or something.
Backwards people don’t fool me. And they shouldn’t fool you either.
People who stand on the wrong side of History, every single goddamn time, use disingenuous arguments to deflect from the barbarity that they REALLY want to accomplish. Because they’re cowards. Because deep down, they know they’re in the wrong, and they have a conscience, and this conscience is heavy — They’re just not listening to it. Some of them will go to hell and back “arguing” their point like a troll, when in fact it’s just a smoke curtain hiding their real point. It’s fruitless to discuss with them.
But beyond discussing with trolls, people who struggle with exuding authority also sometimes AGREE with trolls… Because they’re compassionate (and/or autistic, sometimes) and always assume the best, and wanna give everyone a fair chance.
Screw that!
Some people are scum and DO NOT deserve a chance. It is what it is, what can I do? I’m not gonna lie here.
Don’t overestimate people’s kindness. We’re on planet Earth, not Carebear Land. If you have to guess between “is this person just super concerned with noble cause X or petty and jealous”, the answer is petty and jealous. “Is that person just super in favour of noble cause Y or afraid of scarcity”, the answer is afraid of scarcity. The “ooga-booga” answer is what’s TRULY up in most cases — even if it’s disingenuously dressed-up as virtue. People have a very active “monkey brain” and in 99% of the cases, this is behind their actions and words. Impressive people, true leaders, real innovators who make History, don’t get caught-up in word salad debates on or off the Internet. And neither should you.
“Oh but people are gonna call me greedy (or imprudent, or insert insult here designed to keep each other stagnated)”
First of all, WHO ARE these people? Are they winners? Are they worthy of respect? I bet they aren’t. Why listen to losers? I’m sounding like a coach here, but god damn it, crab bucket mentality is real and I’m not impressed by it.
“Oh, it’s not spiritual to want respect and authority”, some say or imply to me. Really?! And why don’t you say that to the Pope? Or to the Dalai Lama? Or your chosen authority? Why just say that to me? You don’t like baiting bigger fish, ISN’T IT? Because you know you don’t stand a chance against them and their network of support. So you’re not truly making a point, ARE YOU? A real point, based on real logic, doesn’t have double standards.
Coward.
So… to summarise here: do follow common sense and do follow the law (where it isn’t barbaric or unfair); but have an internal moral compass too. If you don’t, sooner or later you will be fooled by disingenuous wolves in sheep’s clothing trying to sway you to the psychopathic side of the force before you even notice. I’m not saying it might happen, I’m saying IT WILL happen. Sorry, you have no choice other than having a backbone if you are to stay on the right side of History. And every good leader does.
I hope this article serves as food for thought. Let me know your opinion in the comments.
