I’m grieving, and I don’t need to pretend I’m fine.
Just because I’m not grieving death, it doesn’t mean my grief is invalid.
I’ll write this as a response letter, I’m not sure to whom. More than one person, certainly.
Dear naysayers,
You can keep thinking I don’t need or don’t deserve or am not good enough for being treated with dignity. Go ahead, keep saying that if you want. I don’t care anymore.
I don’t care how much you romanticise or try to convince me that the lack of friends in my life is warranted or normal or whatever it is you’re saying. I don’t care how spiritual or “enlightened” is your lingo. You’re gaslighting me. That’s what you are doing.
I am not listening anymore. You’re knocking on a locked door. Give THE FUCK up already.
I grieve the loss of a dream. I used to dream about making friends with like-minded people. Well… it’s not that they don’t exist or are out of reach to me or [insert justification here]. I don’t want to know. The fact is theyr’e not in my life. They never were. And maybe they never will be. I don’t care “why”, it just is what it is. So, why keep dreaming? I’ll let this dream die. I’ll grieve accordingly, and then I’ll move on without it.
I don’t care if these people who hypothetically could be in my life are instead in a better place for them — a place where they’re already fulfilled and don’t have room for me. I mean, good for them! But I don’t want to think about it. The fact is they aren’t in my life. As of now, they aren’t. It feels like a loss. I have dismissed MY OWN needs for far too long. It’s high time I become more entitled and stubborn now.
“Oh but you should be grateful for what you have”, the naysayers will keep insisting.
First of all, who said I wasn’t? And second of all, you wouldn’t say that to someone who is grieving death. You wouldn’t dare saying, oh dear, I’m sorry for your loss, I’m sorry your dad [or insert person here] passed away, but you should just stop sulking already and be grateful for having your mother still in the picture. WOULD YOU?
WOULD YOU FUCKING DARE? Go ahead, say that in the next funeral you attend. See how well-received it will be.
No. You wouldn’t dare.
But with me, you do, because my grief isn’t so obvious.
What you’re doing is being heartless. So much for holier-than-thou “spiritualist” speeches, huh. God is seeing. (Or insert here higher power you believe in). No, seriously, I mean it. God is seeing. You act all high and mighty now, but when your time comes, LET US SEE how bold you are. Let’s see how long the denial will last for.
Just wait. Wait for the day you pass away and then look back on your life, and SEE all the people you gaslighted and dismissed under the guise of fake wisdom. Let’s see how forgiving the afterlife will be with you.
It sounds menacing… And I don’t care. It is the truth. You will pay. You will pay dearly for being so selfish and heartless, for lying to the sufferers and grievers instead of admitting you had no answer, just to look good in the picture.
Narcissism. It’s disgusting.
“But Lucy, you’re expecting too much out of people”.
Oh, am I? Are you sure about that? Or are you just butthurt because you couldn’t make the cut? Food for thought.
Yes, I have expectations for friendship. They’re non-negotiable. I don’t care how much you try to diminish them, they’re still big to me. As big as the expectations I’ve always had for love, for my work life, for spirituality. But oh! Wait a second! I’m not complaining about any of these things, AM I? No. I’m not.
There’s a simple reason for that: I already have fulfilment in these areas. Oh, you mean, I’m a millionaire? I married a king? I’m a world-renowned high priestess and work for a multi-billion enterprise in a position of power?
No. None of that. In fact, it’d be too over-the-top. Thank goodness I am more low-profile than that.
What is it I’m hearing? The sound of your penny dropping? Ah. Sweet. Now you understand what I mean by “non-negotiables”, don’t you, motherfuckers? Now you understand they aren’t grandiose in the slightest, and aren’t even difficult to get, for the record. So much so that I already got them in many areas of life.
Except friendship. Because friendship is this undefined thing without a contract, which you never know if you’re in or out of.
…So it’s easier to fake. It’s easier to scam.
But the party is over now. I’ll start ENFORCING my non-negotiables. To the point I’ll stop talking to hopeful candidates who don’t have them to offer. Yes I will. Cry me a river. Call me mean. I don’t give a fuck. My needs matter, whether you agree or not.
- I expect acts of service, and I’ll give you the same. They can be tiny, I don’t care about “size”, but they must exist. No empty words. No bla-bla-bla. Words of affirmation aren’t my thing, in fact they irritate me. Go on, call me names because I judged your love language. I don’t care. I expect mine. If you don’t have mine, cool, goodbye, go look for someone compatible with you — certainly not me. Non-negotiable.
- I expect proactivity, and will be proactive too. Observant people are my people. If in doubt, ask, but don’t go asking newbie questions you could have just observed the answer for — or worse, Googled. Yes, go on, call me intolerant to low intelligence. I don’t care. Call me ableist too, it’s not true but go ahead. I’ll help the mentally disabled every chance I get, but am I a charity? Am I a hospital? Am I even a nurse? No. I’m a private person. In my inner circles, in my personal space which I use for relaxing and unwinding, I want EASY friendships. Easy. Piece-of-cake friendships. Yes, I’m entitled. I don’t care what you think. This is another non-negotiable.
- I expect respect. You have no right whatsoever to insist after I gave you a “no”, manipulate me, try to persuade me when we disagree, or force me to give you a comfortable lie when you don’t like my truthfulness. In exchange, I’ll offer the same respect. If you like me but don’t respect me, you’re out. If you admire me but don’t respect me, you’re out. If you have the world to give me but that doesn’t include respect, you’re out. I don’t fucking care. I want respect. I’m taking nothing less than respect. Non-negotiable.
- I expect compatibility. GENUINE compatibility. People-pleasers make me wanna puke, they’re weak as hell and I want nothing to do with them. If we have radically opposite political views, I don’t care if you fulfil all the above, you’re still out. Same if we have nothing to do together because we’re so extremely different that there’s nothing other than stubbornness holding us together. What did I say before? EASY friendships. Easy. No piece of work. Only comfort and peace. Non-negotiable.
“But Lucy, calm waters never made good sailors”.
I don’t want to be a sailor. I want calm.
This may sound childish, and I used to think so too (back when I was enabling the collective gaslighting by naysayers who are too fucking WEAK to dare dreaming big), but actually there’s more depth to it than meets the eye.
When I say “I want calm”, I’m not refusing to deal with life’s challenges. I’m not refusing to “be a sailor” in life, in general like that. Instead, it’s more specific.
I’m refusing to endure hardship in my safe haven. It’s called a safe haven because it’s supposed to be safe, idiot.
What’s more: challenges WILL come. They come and go in my love life, in my work, in my spiritual endeavours, in every area of life. Why not friendships too? But these, my dear, are seasonal challenges. They’re like stormy clouds in the sky. They come AND GO.
I don’t need more permanent kinds of challenge on top of that. For example, an incompatible friendship, or someone who never respected me (or offered any of the non-negotiables) from day one.
“Good luck finding someone who meets all your criteria”
…A wish that comes from a sarcastic place in the mouth of a naysayer, but I choose to genuinely thank and agree with it.
Yes, indeed, good luck to me. Why not? Am I less than anyone? Do I not deserve luck, whereas others have it? I don’t remember having dehumanised myself. Last time I checked, I am AS WORTHY AS everybody else.
You guys (naysayers) are envious. That’s what you are. That’s why you try to destroy me. Because you are, as I said, weak. And you envy my courage to go after what I dream about.
I’ll say more: even if, by an irony of fate, I never find what I’m looking for… Good.
No, I’m not kidding. I said what I said. Good.
What? Did you think you could simply replace someone or something you’re grieving? No. Either you get them back, or you keep grieving. There’s no compromising. There’s no “satisficing”.
Upholding my standards already makes me happy. If you thought otherwise, if you thought I was bluffing or hiding something, the joke is on you.
Yours,
Lucy.
