I’m letting go of the need to be welcomed and loved by other women.
There will be grief. But I let go of it anyway.
This is a bit of a vent. Who knows, maybe others will relate.
I’ve never had girl friends. Ever. Since I remember. In all honesty, despite my attempts to fool myself, that is the truth. It was always me pushing for friendship, arranging get togethers, messaging first, calling first.
On the other side, radio silence.
It was always me making an effort to fix what was wrong, address misunderstandings, find a solution for the problems that inevitably happen in ANY friendship; and they just taking and taking, or at worst, sometimes, creating more problems just to see me fix them.
Tell me: if female friendships are so good, WHY IS IT only men are ever willing to make an effort to keep me in their lives? WHY IS IT only men don’t take me for granted, don’t act patronising and condescending, don’t bitch and bicker with me for the smallest inconveniences?
I’ve never had anything against girly things. Girly fashion, makeup, spas, high quality food and relaxing ambience are all up my alley. I might not be the “girliest” myself but I’m always up for it. And if the girly women find me too different from them for comfort, okay, I understand — I tried befriending the nerdy, the Academic, the quirky and the low-maintenance too. The religious. The atheist. The in-between. The young and the old. You-fucking-name-it. Every sort of woman imaginable, in countless cultures and two hemispheres.
No luck! It’s always a one-way-road. I’m always disposable to them. I won’t ever be anyone’s go-to companion, will I? Unless we’re talking about men.
At best, I’ve made casual “friendships” with women, keeping them at arm’s length — or, wait, is it that THEY are keeping ME at arm’s length? Far more likely, to be honest.
I get it. I’m “too much”. Too loud. I talk too much, I’m too eager to hone my skills, I’m too this and too that.
I should be more bland. If the fact I LOOK bland wasn’t enough.
If other women are competing against me, trust me, it’s definitely not in the looks department. That’s fine, to be honest. I don’t wish I was perfect. I just wish I didn’t repeal women so much. But alas, this is my fate.
It could be a test from the Universe, couldn’t it? “Let’s see how much Lucy can suffer from a broken heart because of women and still keep being a feminist”. An endurance test. Well, if so, joke’s on you, Universe. I’m not changing my mind anytime soon.
I will defend the oppressed in society every chance I get. Even if they don’t appreciate it. Even if, beyond not appreciating it, they attack me. It’s not masochism, I’m simply aware that when you have an ideal and you’re truly willing to fight for it, you shouldn’t give up because of circumstancial annoyances. That’s why I keep being a feminist.
But despite my grief and my endless frustration — which hurts very, VERY deeply, I won’t lie to you — I let go of what I can’t have.
It’s beyond my control anyway. If life wants it to be this way, so be it.
