In Defense of the Whore.
(And holding the Madonna accountable)
Yes, I curse like a sailor. I’ll slap an 18+ here, lest the “madonnas” lurking crucify me for lacking purity for the zillionth time. Go on! Keep allowing your kids to read these clearly inappropriate articles and blame it on me for writing them in the first place, because you guys get off on fake martyrdom and orchestrated victimhood. I already know what’s coming, and I’m not afraid to stand my ground against it.
The above is just for the specific kind of person I’ll talk about in this article. Most people don’t fit into that archetype.
There’s a repeating pattern in my life. A series of unfortunate events brought about by… Some kind of lesson I still haven’t learned. Usually, those repetitions bring us awareness of internal conflicts — our own patterns of behaviour we’re not paying attention to, our own projections, unaddressed shadows, repressed impulses, etc.
Usually. Not always!
I tried for the longest time to find what this specific pattern was concealing in myself… To no avail. As it turns out, it wasn’t on me. These “dainty little women” who caused and keep causing much of my suffering ever since I remember aren’t a byproduct of anything maladaptive I have within. They are their own evil, concealing with delicate and demure gloves the claws with which they have repeatedly tried to wound me with vicious spite… But always making it look like an accident, of course.
Now I see what’s going on, and I’m no longer gaslighting myself out of that realisation.
I try to see the good in people, precisely because I know it always takes some level of effort to see it. We’re not living in a utopic society, so we have defenses and barriers concealing our true selves (where our divine virtue lives). But the problem with that very attitude of mine is that it makes me overestimate certain kinds of people. In fact, what I should do is believe what they’re showing me at face value. As it turns out, it’s not just their “protective facade” I saw, and it doesn’t manifest the same way mine does. It’s a lot more sinister than that: they’re not concealing much. They truly HAVE sold their souls to the patriarchy. And the more I said “no, it cannot be”, in utter disbelief, the more these people rejoiced in treating me like an enemy.
I call them “madonnas” after the famous “madonna-whore complex” in Psychology. It’s something that, literally, Freud explains.
There’s the whore wannabe… And then, there’s the real whore.
Let’s first clarify the difference between the fake charicature of a whore (that which pop culture and other kinds of surface-level knowledge mistake for “a whore”) VS the real archetype (the whore that truly exists in all of us and doesn’t need affirmation to exist). Always keep in mind that I’m using the term in its psychological meaning and it’s not a mere insult here.
The fake seductress, the construed image of “whore” in a lot of people’s imagination… Has a certain look to her. I’ll use a cartoon, lest I ruffle any feathers:
Beauty standards aside (because these change with space and time), what comes to mind when you say “whore” in the collective imaginary is the figure of a woman who flaunts her assets — whatever these may be for each culture and time period.
She’s a lot like Aphrodite, if you will. Or Oya, in Yoruba mythology. Nothing wrong with these goddesses, of course! I’m talking about an overly simplistic version of them. Alluring, “dangerous”, intoxicating… But not motherly or sweet. On a scale from menacing to cute, the impulse is always to classify her as completely menacing. And yet, she draws your attention towards her.
That’s not to say you can’t be sexually attracted to cuteness — yes you can. I am, lol — but this “whore” archetype isn’t all about sex. That is, once again, a misconception borne out of how society misinterprets the whore. There’s a lot more to her than just lust. In fact, in some stories, she overlooks lust completely, favouring power dynamics and impersonation.
To be frank, the reduction of “whore” to the role of seductress alone is a patriarchal artifice to undermine and oppress her — and by extension, all women, since she is a part of us — because it’s a whole load easier to undermine that which is a slave to an impulse (ie, this fake whore we keep seeing in pop culture)… And a lot more difficult to undermine a queen of the underworld (which comes closer to what the whore REALLY is).
We can’t undermine anyone who is empowered. First, we would need to disempower her.
I’m laughing a bit here as I type this. The whole act of “disempowering the whore to control her” reminds me of so many occasions in my life when I believed what these disingenuous madonnas told me, and I ended up getting rejected and ostracised in their communities because I didn’t fit in with their cute aesthetic or didn’t “get” their rules of etiquette or whatever. But it wasn’t by chance I tried fitting in with the madonna crowd! There was a time when I believed what some people told me when they called me “adorable”, I thought it was a genuine compliment. I mean… Can you blame me? My own mother called me that until my 20s when I last saw her. Back when I didn’t know she had no love at all for me, of course I believed her! And by extension, I believed all the fake and jealous women who would call me the same thing.
With time (and healing! All on my own, because unfortunately this “wolf-in-sheeps-clothing” species of madonna is common in therapists. Unhelpful therapists. More common than they should be, but that’s a tangent for another post) I came to realise that I shouldn’t believe it. I went like, “ohhhhhhhhh. These women did not in fact have my best interest in mind. They were just spiteful and competitive against me. Now I get it!”
I mean… my husband doesn’t call me “adorable”. Neither did any of my exes. If anything, “vixen” and “evil” (playfully) are more common go-to words of affection between us. Same for my true friends.
It’s an eye-opener, you know, when you realise that the people who DO have your best interests in mind will tell you exactly the truth about what they see in you… Whereas the “enemies” will be disingenuous and condescending.
That goes to show how an innocent word — adorable — can hide a snarky remark just below the surface in some contexts. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve used it with a good connotation too when describing others! But in my specific context, it couldn’t mean anything good, because lies never have a wholesome intent.
The point is: when your inner whore is very prominent (and this is natural. I don’t think any woman is fully balanced. There will always be a tendency), she comes out. It doesn’t matter if you’re dressed in a frilly, modest, floor-length dress and hiding a dainty laugh behind a fan. People can tell you’re repressing the other archetype if it’s more natural for you. (And they’ll accuse you of being fake, like in my own life story). We all have a 6th sense, we detect energies.
Conversely, it doesn’t matter how hard you try to channel your inner Jessica Rabbit in an attempt to appear irreverent because you think you “should”. If your natural archetype leans more towards the madonna, it will be perceived as a “try hard”. And in a way, it really is.
…Because it’s not about external looks (at all! Trust me). And it’s not about following a script either. It’s something a lot more subtle.
As I see it, there’s nothing wrong with the whore OR the madonna in their healthy, balanced expressions (or, better yet: the integrated woman who nurtures both sides). The people I’m holding accountable here are just the unhealthy iterations of the madonna, because demonising unhealthy whores is easy, isn’t it? Low-hanging fruit. But seeing the wolf behind the madonna’s sheep clothing, on the other hand… Yeah, not so easy. In fact, they do everything to flip the narrative, project, frame innocent people, etc, when any semblance of accountability is due (watch Black Swan. The protagonist IS a villain, we’re just seeing things from her biased perspective). That doesn’t sound very “saint” to me.
The real whore is wild. Truly wild.
She isn’t anyone’s Aphrodite. She’s more like Persephone — unapologetic and impulsive, but not rejecting femininity or sex appeal.
This song isn’t ancient in the slightest (it was channeled in the modern day! It has a very interesting story, as you can see). I love it for what it is:
Songwriter Wyndreth Berginsdóttir says:
“Women are not ever Less Than. We are the singers of storms, the fire made flesh, the inexorable power of the mountains, the kind warmth and the cutting lash of the wind. We are half of the world and we have been taught to speak softly and behave mildly because we are easier to control that way.”
That’s why the song fits here. It’s not just for the vibes.
In case you’d rather see a pop culture reference that also shows us the real whore archetype (one of the rare few who didn’t go the Jessica Rabbit route), take a look at the next video:
If you have any insider contact with ballet, first of all you know that the prima ballerina normally plays both swans (but let’s give the movie poetic license there because that was clearly a plot device to build tension in this psychological thriller), but most importantly, you KNOW how much of a taboo it is to go to class with your hair untied. The only acceptable exceptions are if you have a really really short pixie cut, or short hair with an Afro texture which doesn’t need to be held back anyway. Lily truly is a transgressor, everything about her screams “shocking”!
This example goes to show why the whore can also be unhealthy if she leans too hard towards the extreme and completely neglects her madonna side: in ballet, you tie your hair not just for aesthetics, but for workplace safety. Transgression can be fun… But there comes a point when you start being a rebel without a cause and ignore glaring signs of danger. So no, I’m not trying to idolise the whore with this article. I’m simply tired of the excessive repression.
We could say, I suppose, that the main defining trait of the whore is her close relationship with the “natural” — opposing the madonna who concerns herself with the “transcendent”. So no, you don’t need to dress up or adopt any specific mannerisms in order to channel either of them. Instead, look into your relationship with your natural side (is it healthy? Are you repressing it to some extent?) and/or to your disciplined side (is it healthy? Are you rebelling against it too much?).
Balance is the ideal pursuit.
That’s probably why I dislike conventionally “sexy” clothing. I’ve always felt over-the-top wearing anything body-hugging or too revealing, not because I’m a prude (Lol, I’m very not) but because it’s kind of like being from Ireland and dressing up like a leprechaun every day. Unnecessary. Stereotypical. Exaggerated. It needs toning down for balance.
Who would even dress “stereotypically” anything? Why, of course, insecure people; Those who aren’t sure they *deserve* this identity they’re trying so hard to affirm. But that’s not how society sees things, is it? Here in the West, more than anywhere else, we’re all conditioned to equate identity affirmation with someone’s “real self” when in fact that’s all backwards. If you are, you are. Period. No need to perform it.
The unhealthy madonna who loves crucifying whores isn’t always dainty and soft-spoken, or even “cute”.
I’ve met some who were loud, enjoyed unconventional lifestyles, and even pretended to be feminists. (Sometimes I wonder if they lied to themselves, too. Maybe they genuinely believe they’re feminists. In that case, they’re totally blind to their internalised misogyny and I feel sorry for them).
Anyway, the defining trait of a woman who leans heavily (and unhealthily) towards the madonna archetype isn’t her looks, lifestyle, religion, moral code, or body language. It’s none of that — all of these things are on the surface only. We need to dig deeper.
Her defining trait, if I had to pick one word, is repression.
I’m not just referring to religious repression. A “madonna” could very well be Atheist and a total nihilist. I’m also not talking about sexual repression — some of them are (and define themselves openly as) “very sexual”. Although religious and/or sexual repression can exist in them, it doesn’t define them.
It runs deeper. So deep down within, that they might as well be blind to the root of the problem.
Repression on a surface level is a thing that can happen to anybody, isn’t it? All you need is the right circumstances, the right kind of abuser, etc. But that’s temporary. Remove the circumstances causing it, and the person will gradually heal.
That’s not what we’re talking about here.
The kind of repression that defines the unhealthy madonna comes from within. It’s self-inflicted, and no amount of exposure to VERY liberal external circumstances will “fix” it. (If anything, that can be dangerous. Watch Black Swan if you haven’t. Nina is a victim to herself more than she’s a victim to anyone else). Nothing will fix the problem, other than her own spontaneous decision, coming from within, to heal.
She envies women who have freedom, not because she doesn’t have it herself (as we saw, external circumstances are beyond the point and only add to the problem but don’t create it)… But because she won’t allow herself to have this freedom regardless of where she is, and regardless of how many external people and events are basically giving freedom to her on a silver platter. She will still reject it — unconsciously, of course — because something deep inside her is telling her to reject it; that it’s not safe or deserved or whatever. Just like these lyrics here:
(Great song and great video, don’t get me wrong, but DO pay attention to the lyrics).
That level of self-responsibility and self-awareness is something the unhealthy madonna needs for healing, but (sadly) is VERY unlikely to find or even open her mind to. She enjoys being helpless. She wants the damsel-in-distress life. Or, to be more precise: her ego wants it. Her soul doesn’t — nobody’s soul wants indignity or powerlessness! But the ego is all about identity affirmation, so it enjoys “the clout” of always looking like a martyr.
(In fact, the Evanescence song was describing the best-case scenario, now that I think of it. Those lyrics are very self-aware! I respect that).
The part of her that sees through her own ego and goes like “whoa, hold on… We’re just pretending to enjoy being an underdog, aren’t we? What we truly need is the opposite, isn’t it?” — a healthiER (but very very VERY buried and unconscious) part of her, if you will — is what triggers her violent response whenever she sees women who are free and already have what she needs: the whores.
Oops, did I say “violent”? Sorry, I meant passive-aggressive. Underhandedly manipulative. Fake nice. Smiling in front but stabbing from the back. Telenovela antagonist. You choose the wording.
THAT is why they’ll nitpick, behave holier-than-thou, attempt defamation (always under the radar, of course!), and give other women HELL if they display the slightest amount of personal power.
It’s envy. But beyond the envy, it’s a projection of their own repressive and self-destructive tendencies. “If I can’t have it [this freedom], NO-ONE WILL”.
The thing is… They can. They just don’t wanna. The comfort zone is too comfy comfy. We already looked into that.
1) The social dynamics involved here can bring about every sort of hypocrisy and double standards. For example, an unhealthy madonna can be someone who prides herself in how sexually liberated she is… But shit-talks other women who dress in a provocative way or have a punk hairstyle or aren’t afraid of displaying anger and other strong emotions (so… wild sex is okay. But other displays of human impulsivity aren’t okay? On what grounds? That’s a total double standard).
This is borne out of repression. “I repress myself sexually, but, oh, wait, I shouldn’t because it’s not fashionable anymore? Okey-dokey, no problem, I’ll pretend not to… Only in the obvious and literal context”.
2) Another example: she calls herself a feminist and stands firmly against female competition in terms of looks… She also frowns at competition in general and is super in favour or participation trophies… But won’t mentor or teach other women most of what she knows regarding a skill she mastered (or only go as far as a certain point if she offers to teach it) “just in case” they become too eager and surpass her level and start competing against her. Oh, so competition out there in the world is bad, but this doesn’t apply to her own specific context? Suuuuure.
Again, that’s coming from repression. “I repress myself in terms of ambitions, I won’t let myself be ambitious. So nobody else can! Oh, but that’s ok, because mr. So-and-So looks like an intellectual and he is enabling my repression. So is Such-and-Such celebrity. Also, I have no big ambitions in terms of looks anyway… So I’ll start saying that’s all there is to female competition, and will proudly stand against it, and my guilt will be gone”. Uh-huh. Good luck with that.
3) Another yet: she calls herself a social justice warrior and loves calling people out for their prejudice, narrow-mindedness, backwardness, whatever it is. But instead of having achievable objectives in mind, she focuses on “thought crimes” only — ie, what people have said and not what they have done. As long as someone has a flawless and perfectly “nice” speech, devoid of mistakes or “harsh” words (because “think of the children! UWU!”) she will turn a blind eye to any atrocities this person might commit because they’re keeping the facade, and what matters to her deep down is only the facade.
This may not seem like repression, let alone come from the madonna complex, but yes it is. She is repressing her own power and prowess. Secretly, she wishes she could (or, let’s rephrase this: she wishes she gave herself permission to) take charge of affirmative action in the world, put herself out there, call the shots, get people the rights they deserve through tangible means. Oh, but she’s a madonna, so she can’t, isn’t it? She must always be meek and demure. So, she has convinced herself that only “throwing hints out there” and hiding behind an avatar on the Internet is enough. The cherry on top is the fact she feels personally attacked by people (especially other women!) who aren’t afraid to speak their minds and draw attention to themselves with controversial statements, strong words, clickbaits etc, even if they ideologically agree, because that is what she’s repressing within, so she wants everybody else to repress it too.
I could go on and on. There are intellectual madonnas in Academia (and here on Medium, aplenty!), there are the fashion madonnas who set out to police what others are wearing because of “inappropriateness”, etc. They exist in every social context, from those considered traditionally a feminine affair to the more “butch”. They are, literally, everywhere.
They’re of course behind the “pick me” phenomenon too, like Mickey Atkins points out. (Classically Abby is one extreme case of the madonna complex. Most won’t fit it to a T like she does. But I’m including her here since I don’t want anyone to think I said it only happens in the left wing. The right is also plagued by the problem. Even more, some would argue).
In short, an unhealthy madonna is just someone trapped in the madonna complex, having gone WAY beyond the helpful archetype.
She may not have all the traits (and she will definitely call attention to the fact she DOES NOT have all the traits, because that can give her a smoke curtain to hide)… But she will have some of the other traits, and very pronounced at it (like we just saw, above).
That’s because, even if her attempts at hiding the problem are well-meaning (ie, even if they’re coming from a genuine effort to address her repression), they’re only like pruning stems, at best. They don’t reach the root of the problem.
The root of the problem is, usually, limiting beliefs about the self based on social conditioning. Or like my teacher usually jokes, “computer programs. They were programmed like that and need to delete the program”.
Until the core limiting belief is addressed (usually in therapy, but one must find a therapist who doesn’t have the same exact problem and same exact defense mechanisms — like finding a needle in a haystack — because in the end of the day we’re all human, and college doesn’t teach us dignity. Not even a psych major, sorry)… she will just keep pruning and pruning.
And you know what happens to a plant you repeatedly prune, don’t you? It grows stronger, albeit in different directions. Well… the metaphor most certainly fits here.
This is all to say… I do in fact feel for the unhealthy madonnas out there. I’m not out to get them. There are big social problems plaguing the world. I, too, wish we lived in a utopia. But until and if that happens, we need all the personal power we can get. TRUST ME: it will not lead to greed. Greed comes from fear, it’s a whole different beast. When you’re a member of a marginalised group (and women are), it’s very rare for you to become “greedy” in this pursuit. Look at the other extreme! The whore isn’t greedy! She doesn’t want any kind of stagnation, let alone hoarding. But disingenuous wolves in sheep’s clothing who are secretly in service of the patriarchy will definitely tell you that to scare you away from fighting for what should be your birthright.
*Sigh*
I know this is sounding very feminist and revolutionary, and it is (I tagged feminism, for crying out loud. Maybe don’t read an article tagged “feminism” if you aren’t looking for it). I understand this message will fly way over some people’s heads because it’s idealistic and passionate and whatnot. Sorry. I can’t always deliver a calm and collected speech, especially not when my human rights are at stake.
I also anticipate reactions to my anti-madonna stance, and fair enough, bring it on. I should manage my expectations, right? Not everyone understands things that are on a spectrum. I can tell you a zillion times that the madonna is good, so much so that a lot of women NATURALLY lean towards that, but it will go in one ear and out the other in some cases. That’s fine. I’m simply speaking to the open-minded here: the healthy expression of the madonna is just the archetype. Something you “wear” at will (translating: something YOU control, and aren’t controlled by) depending on the occasion. We’re not just flesh, we’re not just human, we also aspire to transcendence and also need discipline. That should go without saying. But between discipline and repression, there is AN ABYSS. A huge difference.
I, for one, have spent many years of my life looking for spiritual guidance BECAUSE I unconsciously knew I lean towards the whore. And I need some madonna too. My frustrations came from the devastating disappointment when I found out that most gurus out there preach repression and not discipline. But I keep looking. I found someone who sometimes works as a teacher now, and things seem to be moving forward. I feel like I should share this message here, because I don’t want the fellow “whores” out there to suffer the same in the pursuit of something so simple and necessary.
Religion vs human rights is a whole other can of worms I’m working on, but I hope the brief mention helps you already.
I guess the core message here is “stop fearing yourself so much”. You’re the only person you will always have.
