In order to be my friend, a girl needs to…
…fulfil all of these AT LEAST.
Am I asking too much? I don’t know, and I frankly don’t wanna know, because 1) if I’m not, I will manifest this friendship (or even more than one. How cool would that be!) so I don’t need to worry, and 2) if I am, I will manifest this friendship in my dreams anyway, so I don’t need to worry either. Does it have to truly exist? No. I can write it into fiction and that’ll be super cool as well.
In other words: NOTHING AND NOBODY can stop me from having it. Ever. The dream exists inside of me and that’s all it takes for it to feel real. I feel light as a feather.
This article / list is an exercise in manifestation. I am honestly as curious as you about the outcome, but the journey is exciting in and of itself, so why care about the outcome? Fuck it.
1. She needs to commit.
Some of my past relationships — love and friendship alike — taught me that I like commitment. I want nothing less than BINDING agreements in all areas of life (even if it’s just spoken, not documented). I’m a Capricorn, dear, I can’t help valuing it. I used to think I “ought to” be freer and lighter, but I was just trying to be cool/accepted. We’re not doing that anymore. If people want to call me square or uncool, so be it. I wash my hands. I am who I am, I come the way I come, and you can take it or leave it.
This isn’t the same as a “forever” friendship. Nothing is forever. We’re not talking about duration here. We’re talking about the fact a friend needs to make room for me in her life. Actually go out of her way to make room for me. I don’t do casual flings in love, and I recently found out I can’t do casual or “spontaneous” encounters in friendship either, and I have zero patience for hot-and-cold. If we bump into each other, nice, but we won’t be depending on that.
This can’t be mistaken for “one and only” either. Again I’ll compare it to love: I’m not crazy about monogamy… But in practice, I’m monogamous. So, what’s up with that? Simple: I tried doing the whole swing thing in the past but nahhhhhh it’s not my cuppa, the commitment spice is missing — and it’s a damn essential spice to me, sorry not sorry. If I could officially commit to more than one, and likewise my partner, I’d be happy to do that. But it’s not allowed. Oh, well. Same with friendships, minus the law thing because friendships are naturally more relaxed. Do I want one bestie, and other backups? Nope. I’m taking nothing less than several besties. I don’t rank them. If you can’t COMMIT to that degree, you might as well stay an acquaintance. There’s no in-between. Cry me a river, I don’t care, there’s NO in-between.
Intense? Maybe. But I ain’t compromising anymore. I realised this value is essential for me. It can’t be compromised.
If a girl doesn’t think I am worthy enough of her time that our encounters always have to involve other people or events, and she can’t prioritise me 1:1 even once in a while, this only means one thing to me: she doesn’t trust me. And if she doesn’t trust me, it’s a not good enough. Thank u, next.
2. She needs to value what I do.
And I don’t mean “value what I do in silence”, inside her heart. Aww, how cute. NOPE. Bitches be saying that when in fact what they mean is they don’t care. I wasn’t born yesterday. I know better than to fall for that twee excuse.
Look, nobody is under an obligation to promote my work and the things I’m passionate about. If there’s nobody in the world willing to do that, okay. Life goes on. But in order to be my friend, I expect it. And friends are optional in life, aren’t they? I can do without them. Hence, I’m not forcing anybody. I’m just saying that’s my requirement. If you don’t meet it, you stay an acquaintance.
There’s no need to be loud, either. I won’t oppose it, but there’s no need. She can be shy, and only do word-of-mouth when convenient. That’s good enough already. What I’m NOT accepting anymore is friends who know very well what I do, know how much it matters to me, have had a zillion opportunities to mention it to others who might be interested, and didn’t.
The same applies for what I share that perhaps someone else made/did, like a movie or book title. “Thanks I’ll take a look” is a good reaction; so is “never seen this before, but when I have time I’ll give it a try”. Hell, even ignoring it and not reacting at all is ok with me. You know what’s NOT an ok answer, though? “Ah, I won’t ever have time for this. Can you summarise / give me spoilers?” Bitch, what the actual fuck? Your level of regard for my stuff is so low that you’re basically telling me to stop inconveniencing you? No. Just no. Get the fuck out of my life. (And yes, this has happened. Twice. The nerve!)
It matters to me. I’m no longer overlooking this act of love. Yes, it’s an act of love, it’s not about numbers, it’s not about goals and whatnot. It’s plain and simply about caring and showing you care. It’s a two-way road. Do you think I hang out with people whose work (or motivation behind it) I disapprove of? NEVER. I always promote theirs. It’s only fair that I receive the same.
In fact, all items on this list are two-way roads.
3. She needs to get vulnerable.
This one… OH MY GOD this one has frustrated me so much in the past! Not anymore, though. It’s absurd, even bizarre: women are socialised FOR vulnerability, and yet, what’s the only demographic who ever got truly vulnerable with me? Men. Some of the men I know. MAKE IT MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE! CAUSE I CAN’T.
I mean, I understand a girl keeping her guard up and her barriers put when we first meet — any sane person would do that — but this is not about first impressions. I’m referring to years and years and years of friendship staying on a surface level because for some god forsaken reason the women in my life think they need to be “tough”. Either that, or they don’t trust me. They feel competitive. They feel en guarde permanently around me.
Uhhhhhh no. We’re not doing that anymore.
Bitch, as soon as a year has gone by, I expect some level of emotional intimacy. Real intimacy, not fake, not generic and “socially acceptable”. I want the stuff that you need a private place in order to let out. One year. Not longer. Men take less time! Come on! Yes it can be done, no I’m not crazy for expecting that.
And if it can’t happen, well, the joke’s on them, because as I said, I can write it into fiction. And thus, it will exist SOMEWHERE for me. Nobody can stop me from having what I want, try as they may. I deserve to have it and I can prove that I deserve it.
As Bjork would say,
(click for source)
I love this video. Well, it’s no secret I fangirl at Bjork all the time and can’t get enough of her music, but look at this video. It’s so meaningful! You need to engage intentionally, or else all you see is an empty landscape. That’s what I’m talking about. Thanks Bjork, you make me feel seen. :)
4. She needs to gift me what I like.
If it’s something we both like, all the better. But if it’s something only she likes, nope, that won’t do, that screams “I’m self-centered” and gives me the ick. I shouldn’t have to say it, but judging by past friendships, apparently it isn’t obvious for everyone. So, there, now you know, people have preferences. If you get to know them at all, you get to know these preferences. There’s no excuse.
This doesn’t require any Sherlock Holmes level of investigation. I’m talking about basic stuff. Random hypothetical examples: I dislike tomato, so don’t fucking cook with tomato for me. I dislike bright yellow, so pick something that’s literally any other colour. That kind of preference. It’s not about price tags. Gift me a motherfucking meme if you’re broke, as long as it’s relevant. It’s once again about respect and empathy. Don’t force me to “learn to like” anything new. I will if I wanna, not by pressure.
I’m not a “gifts as a love language” person. Wanna skip gifts altogether, even on important dates? That’s ok. But if a friend does choose to gift, she should know the basics. It’s not by chance I have this requirement. It’s because I value when people put care and thought into things. That makes them givers too, and not just takers, ya know.
In fact, she can just straight-up ask and I’ll tell her what I like. I’m not hesitant, so there’s no need to manipulate me into “saying it without saying it” — that’s entirely optional and IMO just complicates communication but to each their own.
5. She needs to have opinions and decide what to do with them.
Again, no need for permanence. If she changes her mind, that’s cool, but in that case, she needs to change her goddamn mind and not stay on the fence. The problem is the staying on the fence. The hesitation. The hot-and-cold thing. The little games. Fuck that! I don’t find that charming, I find it cowardly. It’s a hard “no”.
Wanna keep a secret? Keep it secret. Wanna say it? Say it. Make up your goddamn mind. Perfection is impossible anyway.
Yes, you guessed it, I’m sick of Libras and even Tauruses. (Or the immature stereotype, anyway). Not everyone likes Venusian energy, hi, nice to meet you, I’m that small percent in the exception. It’s okay, I won’t be compatible with the entire world. People are allowed to disapprove of me. Life goes on. There’s no need for drama. I said it and will repeat: thank u, next.
I’d much rather we fight, than we “simmer” it in the background for etiquette’s sake. What kind of friendship even needs etiquette? Last time I checked, that’s for strangers. In friendship, there’s more intimacy, so you don’t need so many protocols (or as I call them, frills).
Just because I like them vulnerable, that doesn’t mean I’m into fearful friends. That’s a big misconception. Feelings often imply strength, not weakness. If you think otherwise, you’ve been indoctrinated by the patriarchy. Just saying.
I’m not looking for no damsel in distress to be rescued, and I won’t perform the role either. I have dignity and so should my friends. Period.
6. She needs to value growth, not perfection.
…Because growth is messy. It’s the opposite of perfect. Ain’t nothing wrong with that.
In theory, I bet most people agree. In practice, though, different story altogether. Why do you think people fear so much? Perfectionism. Why do you think it’s so common to hesitate, to overthink, to paralyse? Perfectionism. It’s always the goddamn perfectionism.
I mean… you do you.
But in order to be my friend, a bit of boldness is a must.
Oh, you’re telling me women who aren’t perfectionist to a pathological extent don’t exist in the world? I’m the only one who meets this requirement? Okay, then. So be it. I don’t care. I’ve achieved the impossible many times over, and in all the times that I haven’t, I CANNOT WAIT to keep trying. I’m only letting go of this standard over my dead body. Don’t underestimate me.
7. She needs to have political values compatible with mine.
“Lucy, you can’t take disagreements”. No, in this area of life, I really can’t. Cry me a river. I said what I said.
People who wanna see my diplomatic side should meet me at work. Any of my jobs, including oracle. That’s because I deal with strangers, and that’s where diplomacy is due.
However, if a friend disagrees on something that I’m literally basing my moral compass and decision-making on… Honey, goodbye. Disagreements are for food, clothing, music and decor. I draw the line at politics.
I’m a centrist, or left-of-centre depending where I go. I’m a feminist. I’m for intersectionality, cultural coexistence, human rights BEFORE ANY OTHER kinds of rights, secular governments, decolonisation, and strict barriers against imperialism. I don’t get on with the ultraconservative who sold their souls to fearmongers, OR the ultra-liberal who behave like 5-year-olds. I don’t respond well to emotional manipulation either. I will support the causes that make sense to me and that’s that. Don’t like it? Get out.
I’m of the opinion that we can’t even BEGIN to think of loving and protecting other species if we don’t love and protect our fellow humans first. As within, so without. You can’t extend externally that which you’re denying internally. It wasn’t me who said it, complain with the Hermetic laws if you don’t like hearing it. No Eco-fascism shall pass, and I don’t fucking care if you saw me be a polytheist and dress a certain way and automatically assumed I will join your political cult. I will not.
Love thy neighbour. Before you love thy neighbour, don’t even talk to me about the planet. And mind you, I’m doing a whole load to protect it — but that’s because I started with my own species. Anyone who disagrees is not welcome in my circles.
