Know your deal-breakers.

Here are mine, for example.

Photo by Jose Aragones on Unsplash

This is one of the many interpretations for Delphic maxim #1, “know yourself”.

I won’t explain my deal-breakers. In fact, take note. One of the main signs you have a good deal-breaker is you don’t feel like explaining it. If you’re still explaining, you’re still people-pleasing. Let’s just not. Nobody will value you if you don’t value yourself first, this is a fact of life, you can love it or hate it but you can’t deny it. So, I’ll repeat, know your deal-breakers. Having too many is impractical, but having none will only help you manifest misery. Human beings are opportunistic. Yes, even the ones who think they’re enlightened or saints CAN and WILL take advantage of you the moment you let them. We’re all opportunistic. Take off the rose-tinted glasses and go decide your deal-breakers.

Another reason for having deal-breakers very clearly defined is it will help you manage disappointment. When you know, with clarity, what you expect from others, you also know better than to stay in relationships where you’re not being respected. On the other hand, if you don’t know, you’ll keep expecting people to guess what you want and need — and I’m sorry to inform you but nobody can do that. Sure, some people are pricks and disrespect you on purpose; but most people simply don’t know. So, know your deal-breakers for them and tell them.

• Promising, not delivering, and not apologising. Problems happen, emergencies happen, and sometimes we were just plain dumb and promised things we couldn’t actually deliver. That’s what the goddamn apology is for. Can’t deliver? Don’t say yes. And if you don’t deliver and don’t apologise, I’ll just assume you don’t respect me, and it’s goodbye then without turning back.
• Gaslighting. I don’t care how mild is the gaslighting, I don’t care why, I don’t care what for and I don’t care how strongly you feel that you had no alternative. Too bad. Bye-bye. If you don’t want bye-bye, don’t gaslight me. Stay silent if you must. I know what I heard and I know what I saw. Period.
• Telling me how to respond to you. I will respond the way I goddamn want. Don’t like it? Well, then, how fortunate! You’ve just found out we’re incompatible. Great! Let’s part ways, and problem solved.
• Raining on my parade. Not happy I achieved something? Not happy I’m enthusiastic about a goal? Keep that misery to yourself. Disagree with my ethics? Complain to god. He can send me to hell, that’s not your job. Who do you think you are? Eat some humble pie.
• Playing devil’s advocate, triangulating me with my enemies, trying to change my mind on who should be my enemies, anything of that sort. I have already decided who I like or don’t like, who I allow to know about my life or don’t allow to know about my life, and who deserves or does NOT deserve my empathy. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Get lost.
• Preaching to me. I already have my beliefs. If I’m open to anything new I’ll ask first. I do not appreciate proselytisers. Christian OR NOT. So I’ll be punished by higher powers for not following your beliefs? Okay, I’ll take that risk! Tell them to punish me and we’re sorted. Bye-bye.
• Feeling entitled to my energy, time, service, money, or affection. Honey, I don’t just ask people to deliver what they promise; I also live by that rule. I’ll let you know what I owe you. It’s not YOUR place to let ME know what I owe you. I don’t wanna hear whining. Bye-bye.
• Emotional blackmail. Look, we can negotiate other things, but not the ones on this list. I don’t care how emotional you get. My deal-breakers are non-negotiable and won’t be explained. P-E-R-I-O-D.

I’m not manipulable and neither should you.

I listed above recurring things. If you think you can be a smartass and hurt me in an entirely new way, I’ll make a honorary deal-breaker on the spot just for you. Don’t be getting ideas. I’m fed-up with childish behaviour.

As you can see, not everyone has the same deal-breakers. That’s why it’s so important to communicate them. I know people who would add “be rude” to the list. Perfectly valid! I don’t care about rudeness, myself, and I won’t cut someone out of my life for being rude (but I might be willing to respect it as their deal-breaker and won’t be rude to them. It all depends on how well they respect mine too. It’s a two-way road). Neither will I cut someone out for lying — which doesn’t mean I don’t know or take notes. I won’t cut out people who give unsolicited advice either (a thing I know irritates a lot of people and makes it into their deal-breaker list. Not mine!). Personal preference. You see, there’s absolutely no need to be perfect if you want to be in my life. Simply obey the list. It ain’t rocket science.

Some people don’t publish lists in public like I just did, or make them at all, because they have great memory for this kind of thing. That’s fine. As long as you KNOW your deal-breakers, you’re sorted.

People love blaming their whims on god or morality or philosophy, etc. In fact, they’re manipulating you. The sooner you learn it and nip it in the bud, the happier you’ll be.