“Know yourself”. What does that really mean?
Let’s explore the old [delphic] maxim a bit deeper…
By the way, a necessary tangent: No. It’s not “know thyself”. It’s “know yourself”. Last time I checked, today is Wednesday, the 7th of June, 2023. We’re no longer in the Victorian era. “Oh but this is an old maxim”. Aye. It’s old. It was coined in Ancient Greece. Did the Ancient Greek speak old-fashioned English? I think not. So, you should either translate it to today’s language without all this pomp and pretentiousness, OR learn some Ancient Greek yourself.
On to the topic:
What do you see in a mirror? A thorough image complete with all bits and pieces in equal importance? Or the nitpicks first, and then all else in a blur? Think about it.
A while ago, I recommended to someone the video below. The person took offense, because she thought I was insinuating she doesn’t know herself (or worse — that I know something she doesn’t. That gives me power over her, and does not put me in a submissive position like she wanted. Oh, the horror!). Perhaps it was a mistake to recommend it to that person in particular, because we sort of started off on the wrong foot with each other; And when you start off on the wrong foot with someone, you assume they’re up to all sorts of evil plans and machinations even if these are just conspiracy theories in your head and there’s zero evidence to them.
So, if that person is reading here, I’d like to apologise. Genuinely. My bad.
But I’ll leave the video here anyway, because I assume most of my followers on Medium did NOT start off on the wrong foot with me. So you guys will be more open to assuming something good, instead of going straight to the worst-case-scenario conclusion about me. Or won’t you? Well… Keep reading.
My point is: when we see a person for the first time, it’s not the image of them we notice first. Our fears and expectations about them are what strike us first. Ever heard of “first impressions”? Well… They’re not as unbiased as you thought. You don’t objectively think someone’s hair is oily at first impression (unless you’ve felt it in your hand… which would be weird and creepy af), it’s subjective. You assume that, because perhaps the person is a construction worker crossing the street under scorching heat, so you just go like “ah! He must be sweating on the head as well”. But the thing is, if you keep walking and see a pretty model on a photoshoot down the block having the exact same hair texture you’ll go like “ah! Her hair is just very straight. No oiliness involved”. Why would one person be sweating profusely under the same weather the other wouldn’t? It’s because we imagine in our heads what came before this image we’re seeing: it’s likely the construction worker was, well, working in a construction before you saw him. But maybe he wasn’t? Maybe he’s just about to start now, or he just supervises and doesn’t do any heavy lifting? How can you be so confident about that first judgement, then? I gave you a silly example here, but I hope you get what I mean.
No, don’t feel guilty. There’s nothing bad about first-impression judgements. I do it, you do it, it’s normal. I’m not shaming these assumptions here, I’m bringing them up for a different reason: I want you to be aware of them; bring them to consciousness, into the light from this hidden, subconscious place where they usually are.
But why do I want you to acknowledge your subconscious judgements? Oh, no, does that mean I want to shame you?
Hold your horses, dear. Take a deep breath. Does that feel better? Good. Now, take a second look at the title of this article. What does it say? What is it about?
Exactly. This is an article about knowing yourself. This includes knowing the uncomfortable parts of yourself. But it’s an exercise, like a scientific experiment if you will. I’m not evil. I’m not trying to trap you and then attack you for “no” reason, despite what you might have heard about me if you read the gossip lol. Relax.
Without further ado, here’s the video:
I’d like to draw your special attention to Caroline’s made-up word: interiority. She makes a comparison with “superiority” and “inferiority”, and says that with the other two, you need competition in order for them to make sense. WHO are you inferior to? WHO are you superior to? Interiority, on the other hand, only requires that you exist here and now. It’s not based on comparing yourself to others, but just defining yourself as objectively as possible. YOU can be the only person in the room and still be able to define yourself nonetheless.
But you see, that’s difficult. This society we live in… It doesn’t exactly help, does it?
We’re all brought up to constantly look for external threats, external rewards, external this, external that. We’re not exactly encouraged (anywhere at all; be it at school or outside it) to simply embrace ourselves as we are; With objectivity; As if describing a landscape you see. No, instead, what we’re all taught to do is either fit in or stand out against other human beings. “I’m smarter than… Taller than… Richer than… Younger than…”, the list goes on.
The above examples are very cocky and I doubt anyone actually speaks that way, but this is also valid for the “socially acceptable” kinds of comparison: “I’m so stupid”, we consciously say, but it’s only because subconsciously we’re like “…BECAUSE that other person over there is someone I consider smartER than I”. “I’m so ugly”, we consciously say, but it’s only “BECAUSE that other person over there is considered prettiER than I”.
And then we travel. We go visit a remote tribe somewhere, and learn that THEY think we’re smart. THEY think we’re pretty. “Oh but it’s because of cultural differences”, aye, it IS because of cultural differences, but why do you keep being passive? Why let life happen TO you instead of making your own life happen? Why do you keep accepting the labels your local culture put on you without question? You don’t need to be “ugly” or “pretty”, you can just look like “you”. How many people look like you? Nobody else. Only you. That’s interiority.
I have another wee story about that.
I once had a friend — quite close, if I may say so. We grew apart sadly — who would confide in me about her love problems. I will keep her secrets, just like I keep everyone’s secrets, but here is what was up, in very general terms:
She had been dating this guy for many years, and found out he was cheating on her. Not only that, but he had become quite abusive. She told me what happened, I offered support, and let her know she could stay at my place while on the lookout for a single room to rent somewhere. She didn’t take the offer, but thanked me for it. All good so far, until…
She started asking my opinion on whether it was a reason for concern or “not that bad”. My first impulse was to say “my dear, are you blind? This guy is the worst possible match for you, it sucks that he only showed his true colours now but-” I didn’t actually say that, I just thought to myself I wanted to say that really bad; But I held it back. Sometimes, when we’re being victims of abuse, we have trauma bonds and all sorts of shit. I should just be compassionate. So, here are the actual words I used: “look, I can’t know it first-hand. But all I know is you’re unhappy and that’s why I say you should leave”.
There was some back-and-forth, and she revealed she wanted my opinion, and I quote, “because you’re so liberal with polyamory, Lucy, and have this friendship with Celtic spirits”, which at the time, I assumed was a bit of a compliment. It wasn’t, but that’s a plot twist best kept for therapy and I’ll leave you wondering why we grew apart.
ANYWAY, I just replied “it isn’t polyamory if there’s no consent from one side, so no, don’t stay, he’s an arsehole” and left it at that. She agreed but made it a point to tell me she’d be happy to open the relationship IF he wasn’t cheating. That sounded a bit unnecessary but ok. Later on, looking back, I figured it was her wishful thinking. “I WISH I was open to polyamory so I’ll just pretend I am and hide the pain”, or something along those lines.
Fast-forward some time, she was single and happier again, and met this other guy who wasn’t abusive at all. They seemed happy; but something happened and they had to date over a distance for a while. She asked my advice, and I said he seemed nice but maybe the distance thing would be difficult for her. She just shrugged it off and decided to invest.
Not even a year went by, she comes crying that her boyfriend doesn’t care at all about her because he works so much and doesn’t always show up to talk, etc. This would all be reasonable, IF they were actually dating in person and living together. Distance relationships, even if temporary, work different; they require lower expectations because, let me stress again, it’s over a distance. They’re not for everyone. They’re definitely not for people who value a lot of romance and attention all the time (which by the way is not bad, it’s just a preference).
The point is: my friend was trying a bit too hard to become like me. She wouldn’t admit to being a more traditional kind of lover, because in all other areas of life she embraces liberal politics. I’m not sure what feelings or thoughts were behind that (I don’t read minds or hearts) but it’s clear to me that she didn’t know herself (ie. her needs) in the romantic relationship aspect; If she did, she’d either let the opportunity go, OR insist in the distance relationship mentally prepared for the suffering (because she’s not hard-wired to enjoy too much cold-and-distant, or to be okay at all with the possibility of opening the relationship for peace of mind).
I told you the story above because sometimes we get very black-or-white and think that “knowing ourselves” means either we know everything there is to know, OR we don’t know anything at all. But that’s not true. The friend from the story above is a very smart person, and she also has a lot of emotional smarts, if you will. She genuinely knows herself in a lot of areas of life; It just so happens that she is still figuring herself out love-wise.
Knowing yourself is a process. It never ends. There’s no shame in not knowing yourself in this or that aspect; Same boat! We’re all in a journey.
And a key to learning to know yourself more in these areas of life where you’re still not getting very good results, is interiority (hence the video). You can’t expect to take an HONEST look at yourself if you’re afraid of getting honest. It requires dropping both the fears and the wishful thinking. Honesty implies accepting the possibility that, yes, maybe you are something you fear being; no, maybe you aren’t something you admire a lot and wish you were. Because in the end of the day, these fears, these wishes, they all come from our environment. We see these role models because someone put them before us; we see these villains because someone showed us them and told us they’re bad.
Interiority makes you harder to control. And I’m over here, teaching you how to escape others’ control, but somehow all you can compute is “Lucy is out to get me”. Make it make sense!
Actually, I’ll help you make sense of that:
Are you sure you didn’t judge me?
Perhaps, while reading this article, you got the idea that I’m an unpleasant person to be around… But you can’t quite put a finger on why.
I’ll tell you why: I told you two stories of interactions I had with people, where the friendship didn’t work or came to an end. You also know, from reading my article, that in both cases these people didn’t live up to my expectations of them. Hence, you concluded I’m a loner and/or loser, have no friends, nobody can stand me, and I’m too stuck-up to even bother interacting with the “unevolved”… Or something along those lines.
Is there any truth to that conclusion, though? Or is it just based on (let’s see…) a page on an online platform, written by a faceless avatar whose life outside the internet you have no idea about? Because perhaps we draw conclusions too fast without enough input because something-something-survival strategy?
I know, I know… By now, chances are I already sound like a jerk. I just keep correcting and correcting you. Where’s the validation? Where’s the warmth? Well, to be fair, I AM validating you from the very start here (Trust me, if I didn’t I’d just throw insults at you). But I can only validate people the way I know; I can’t change my personality around (or worse, act fake and pretend I am somebody else) in order to fit into a more “normal” archetype of, er, advisor who has a blog. Sorry to disappoint. Zero sarcasm in there.
The fact is I write about real-life situations. I write about people I like and admire in my circles all the time… But again, this is a mirror you’re looking into, and only seeing the faults; the nitpicks; the stuff that doesn’t feel nice or polished enough. You’re confirming the stereotype that the “bad news” sell better than the wholesome news. People are into the “gossip”, the drama, but won’t admit it — instead they’d rather pretend to be saints and put on an act where they try and lecture those who bring them the tea as if they hadn’t been looking for tea in the first place.
It’s a fact of my life, an old pattern I’ve observed and now I just laugh at it because what else can I do? Laughing is better than crying. People have double standards with me. It is what it is. But instead of complaining and crying over spilled milk, I’m trying to make this useful. So, by all means, go ahead and judge me: you’ll be proving my point. The first impression we have of people isn’t accurate; it’s based on our own projections.
