Mother, this is the last time I will address you.
We split ways and completely stopped talking 3 years ago. The only thing you sent me was a letter bemoaning and belittling me for having made a post about you on social media, at the time. You care more about your reputation in public than our relationship in private. That’s no surprise to me, but sure, go on and demonise me. I just wanted my friends to know why they wouldn’t be seeing you in my photos or mentions anymore, that’s why. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t have bothered otherwise.
I sense that you’re very restless since then. You want some closure. I initially didn’t give you that, because you don’t listen. And honestly? I’m not expecting you will listen this time, either. That’s why this is an OPEN letter. Others can read it, too. Maybe they will find relatability in it.
Do you want me to stop exposing your secrets, mother? Is this hurtful? I bet you’re not a fan of this. Well… You’re in luck, then. There is a very simple thing you can do in order for me to stop: simply, stop trying to attack me. But really stop, don’t just say it. I can see through your lies, mother. Your psychic attacks and other kinds of smear campaigns are interesting; You can keep going at it if you want, because you’re a human being and free to make your own choices. I’m simply reminding you that certain choices come with consequences.
You can’t make me stop writing about you or convince anyone with real power to help you stop me. I’m going to repeat, very clearly: the only way I will agree to stop (the only way. The O-N-L-Y way) is if you let me have my peace.
I’m not negotiating. There’s no way to bend this rule. There’s no hidden option. There are no hidden terms.
I know you’ll keep not listening. You don’t want me to have any power, you want all the power over me forever and ever. Isn’t it? And that’s why I am ready to keep my defenses up until the day I die. Now, tell me: are YOU ready to keep attacking until your last breath? Are YOU happy that way? Because I, mother, am perfectly at ease the way things are. Writing about you, and people like you, has become a bit of a hobby for me. It even brings me audience.
What about you? Do you want to be on your deathbed, a few decades from now, look back on the life you lived and only see all this fight, all this bitterness and spiteful tit-for-tat you have with people? Do you want this for your future, mother? I can’t believe this IS what you want. I know you well enough to say that what you TRULY want is love and acceptance. But you see, mother, maybe you can’t have this love and acceptance, AND feel powerful at the same time. You have to choose: Power over people? Or love and acceptance? You can’t choose both.
You deserve acceptance. Everyone deserves acceptance. The only reason some people don’t get it, is they don’t look for it. They prefer to “win” at all costs, have the upper hand over other people. They prefer to be “right”, and prove anyone else “wrong”; Smirk while the other person feels humiliated. For them, it’s not enough just to be free of a conflict; No, they want to take the trophy home. Their ego demands it. They will stay on a power struggle, this battlefield against anyone and everyone, forever, if needs be. Can you be happy if you stay on a battlefield? Can anyone? Yeah, I don’t think so. No amount of arrogant vindication can buy you satisfaction.
No amount of forcing others, controlling others, hating, gossiping, stalking, attacking others… Will force them to love you.
Love is natural. If it doesn’t come, look somewhere else. Don’t keep insisting, and insisting, and insisting, and insisting, and insisting… ad nauseam… on the same person again and again and again. Stop it. 8 billion people in the world.
8. Billion. People. In. The. World.
And you’re insisting on ONE. Why?
Look around. Other people exist. They can be open for you, if you accept them the way they are.
You insisted on me, and only me, and nobody else but me, for 30 years. Yes, YOU insisted. It was Y-O-U. It was your own choice. Nobody was forcing you. Nobody was putting a gun on your head for 30 years and saying “insist on Lucy or I’ll kill you”. No, it was your own choice. Admit it.
Maybe you will argue that it is my obligation to love you as a daughter, but no, it isn’t. And you can’t force me to. Maybe you’ll say you feel wronged, you think this is unfair. Okay. You can feel that. But it doesn’t change the fact I have human rights. Is my choice “wrong”, you say? Okay. It is wrong in your view. But I can still make this choice. You can’t force me to choose different. I am a human being with human rights. This includes the right to make choices. Good OR bad. I can make my choices and deal with the consequences of my choices. But they are still my choices. Mine. Not yours.
I don’t care how inferior you think I am to you. I don’t care if you still see me as a child. You can’t force governments to agree with you, because the law says adults are 18+. I am 30. I’m no longer under 18. End of story. Or will you disagree now? Oh, yeah? Okay, then, please disagree with the law in writing. If you do that, people can use that as proof you are incompetent, and take your Law diploma away. You know that. So, don’t act stupid.
You’re not above the law. You’re not above any god, either. You know that. So, know your place. Drop the arrogance.
But you know the above, you don’t need me to tell you any of that. You’re not disagreeing, you’re just being a stubborn and childish contrarian because you don’t want to “give in” to me by agreeing with anything I say. You don’t want to admit you’re learning anything from me, because that means (in your opinion) I have power. And you hate that prospect, don’t you, mother? You want all the power. None for me; all for you. Maybe in your view, life is made of “dom” and “sub” people. There can’t be equality ever.
There is a reason why this “dom” and “sub” thing is called role play. That’s because real life is not like that. Some people are equals. Not everyone competes, some collaborate and (gasp!) live in peace without bugging each other. Believe it or not.
You’re just like the other arrogant, self-absorbed, power-hungry women I sometimes have the misfortune of meeting in my life who hide under a mask of “worried caretaker”. You’re all “just concerned for the irresponsible youth out there”, aren’t you? Awwwww so selfless and giving! So motherly (not always on a literal sense). The problem is… The things you call “irresponsible” are actually just “not conservative”. You’ll call anyone who is progressive or not-like-everybody-else “irresponsible”, because how dare these people stand out? how dare they question anything ever? Oh, the horror! Clearly they “want attention”. Good people never stand out, they just live like cattle on a farm, blindly obeying whoever is in power without question. In order for you to respect somebody, the person needs to submissively follow and obey every societal norm.
…Is that because, secretly, deep down, you wish they would follow and obey YOU and the norms you dictate in your self-absorbed little head without question? Food for thought, huh.
If everyone in the world was like you, we would still live in the stone age. Because surely, progress is taboo. Innovation is taboo. Going even an inch out of line is taboo. What kind of evolution is left for humanity, in your view? None. Fear wins over, doesn’t it? Best to keep to the good old routine.
Again, this reeks of a power fantasy. Whether you admit it or not, you want to control people. Maybe that’s very alluring to you — the power. The control. The free reign over other lives. Not very motherly or compassionate, now that we think about it. Instead of “motherly”, that sounds more like “comic book supervillain”. Those characters who want to rule the world, and we look at them and say: how unrealistic.
Yeah, well… These villains sometimes exist in reality. They just disguise as “caretakers” who are “so worried and so concerned” about the people they secretly wish they could control like puppets.
Or have you forgotten how you gave me an ultimatum, when I was 15, to either tell my father I hated him, or risk being abandoned by you to an orphanage? All because you were jealous of the “attention” I gave him. This “attention” being, well, I guess, answering his phone calls and being polite to him. Were you not using me as a puppet back then, mother? Were you not exerting your power over me? Funny how that wasn’t “irresponsible” in your book. My irresponsible actions are just when they indicate my financial, spiritual, political and aesthetic independence from you; Because if it’s something you told me to do, it’s never irresponsible. Maybe if you told me to jump off a cliff, and I did, it still wouldn’t be irresponsible. Because as long as I obey you, I’m being responsible, isn’t it? How interesting, I “love” how your morals go by a double standard like that.
One of the people I met later on in life who reminded me of you was a teacher at a technical course I did. She saw I had innovative ideas and probably felt threatened I’d eventually be employed by someone more powerful than her, so she sabotaged me by giving technical “advice” on how to execute these ideas, which was actually wrong. Unsurprisingly, I didn’t do very well there. Despite my “struggle”, she’d still give me every possible work experience opportunity, ya know, because apparently she was so very generous and only wanted the best for my learning! — In truth, she did that because she enjoyed seeing me work for free under the guise of acquiring extra credits. Probably similar to Cinderella’s stepmother, to give you a fictional example. And what a nice fictional example! Didn’t you love telling me Cinderella’s story when I was a toddler? Yes… This is one of the things you claim when you say I had everything and now act ungrateful and badmouth you for no reason. Because apparently, the only legitimate complaints a daughter can have are about neglect, yes? When it’s an overbearing caretaker like you, trying to control every inch of my body, every thought in my head and every display of emotion I ever had… Not letting me have choices, or opinions of my own, not letting me BREATHE… It’s “concern”. It’s motherly. It’s nice and helpful and “loving”.
Another person similar to you was this former friend, the astrologer. I initially befriended him because he seemed open-minded. Indeed he was open-minded, but too extremely so; willing to get swayed by incels and neonazis just as well as whoever fancied manipulating him by promising acceptance and visibility. Naturally, I parted ways; He thought he could force me to stay his friend no matter what (power fantasy…) and started stalking me and sending minions my way. “Fun” times. Funny, also, how during the friendship he never sent anyone my way under the guise of “setting the record straight” about whatever it is I write. Conditional open-mindedness, much? I’m sure his minions still stalk me. He loves projecting things, such as saying he lives “rent-free” in my head — despite the fact I only ever blogged about him once; But that’s because I live rent-free in HIS head, like the never-ending smear campaign indicates.
A third person who reminded me of you was this admin in an internet forum. She stays in power there, probably does whatever it takes to stay. I left when she and her gang decided to wage war on another page whilst using the common users as minions with or without their consent (but I guess other admins in other places do that, so it’s okay because it’s normal, and the norm is always sacred and unquestionable. Just like you think, mother); but I was contemplating leaving anyway just because of her controlling ways (disguised as selfless “concern”). Whenever I mentioned I had anything going well for me, she’d intervene and imply I was showing off; If I mentioned a difficulty with articulating a thought, she’d also reply by implying I was purposefully hiding things to make others feel bad about themselves. Thing is, probably the only person comparing herself to me and feeling inferior was her. I mean… to this day, no-one else from there complained I was being “too much”, but whatever. I tried befriending — it went well for a while, even with a few instances of controversial stuff I posted being given her explicit approval. As soon as the friendship went south, she started outright censoring me. Again, funny how the morals are “fluid” with people who behave like you, mother.
It’s almost as if they don’t have morals of their own at all. It’s entirely dependent on “is this person liking and approving of me enough? If so, I’ll consider them good”. It could be a fascist for all they care, as long as the person is nice and validating and lick their boots… It’s allowed. You have a similar problem, mother. You like whoever is in power or has enough wealth. Are you expecting these wealthy powerful people will someday validate you and give you status too? Is that what you wished you had as a child, and thus keep putting on a pedestal to the detriment of real justice?
I introduced you to the three illustrious (#sarcasm) other people above, in case you try claiming I am coming for you specifically because I’m obsessed with you or this is a witch hunt or whatever. No, actually, you aren’t even original in this personality of yours. The world is full of people who behave similarly — which makes me lucky only to have met a handful.
I’m sure these people have qualities and are complex humans, just like you. But I choose not to engage with them anymore because I think our differences outweigh our similarities. I’m sure these people also have their grievances about me. In their own story, I am the villain. That’s ok. They have their own story to tell. I’m being extremely generous by saying this, though — they wouldn’t extend me the same courtesy. Instead, they’d just try to prove me wrong, like they kept doing whenever we had a disagreement (You can’t say I didn’t try to get along). As if you guys can gossip about me all you want, but the moment I open my own mouth… I need to be proven wrong.
Double standards and instinct is all I see in you and your kind of people. Not a shred of rationality to be seen. Just like apes in the wild, endlessly reacting to the moment; Little to no conscience or self-awareness.
It’s amazing the extent you, too, will go to in order to try to “feel right” and “prove me wrong”.
Wasn’t it you who said “human rights are a pathetic joke”? Wow. And you call yourself a civilised person? Go ahead, say that. Say “human rights are a pathetic joke” anywhere outside your house. See what people’s reaction will be. I dare you.
I was supposed to listen and be quiet, yes? I was supposed to accept you unconditionally, you say. Even when you say that “human rights are a pathetic joke”. Maybe you wanted me to clap and say amen to that. But I think you know that is a wrong thing to say, because you wouldn’t dare saying it in public. Only at home, to your children.
How interesting. How two-faced.
And you want me to love you? Being two-faced like that. Fake, selfish, horribly authoritarian. Wow, it’s such a mystery, isn’t it, mother? Why wouldn’t I love you? You’re the most tolerant, compassionate and saint person ever… (Fake, selfish, two-faced, horribly authoritarian). How lovely! What a contradiction. Did Jesus ever say “human rights are a pathetic joke”? Oh, really? Where is it in the Bible? Show me. You’re such a fan of Jesus. You respect the church so much.
I am a human being. I am not a doll you dress up and control and put on a shelf. Other people are human beings, too. They are not dolls either. They are free to make their own choices. “Oh but their choices are wrong, immoral, I don’t approve”, you’ll say. Okay. Maybe you don’t like it, maybe you don’t approve it. But they can still make these “wrong” choices if they want. What are you? A queen? No. You’re a working class woman. Know your place.
You can’t force love. You can’t buy or fake love. You can only let it come naturally IF you’re open to it. Are you open to love when you’re attacking and controlling and despairing? Are you?
You’re looking for perfection on your terms. But perfection doesn’t exist. And the more you insist on it, the more alone you will be. Learn to accept people’s flaws and stop criticising. Stop it. It’s extremely annoying.
I know you’re probably thinking “but Lucy, if you hated it so much, why didn’t you tell me when we lived together”, and my answer to that is do you have ANY idea how often you made mean comments about people? Take a guess. Was it monthly, weekly, daily? I’ll tell you: it was almost hourly. How did you expect me to keep my sanity, if every time you were acting mean and overly critical, I had to fight with you? It would end up being the only thing in my calendar, because MY GOD, it was constant.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with YOU. It’s only your behavior that needs some revision. You, like any other person, have the potential to have friends and love and all the good stuff I know you want. You’re a human being. Every human being has that right. But will you find it if you continue being annoying and criticising and gossiping and hating and attacking and trying to control people? No. Nobody likes that behavior! People give love when they receive love. Are they receiving love from you? No. What they’re receiving from you is: criticism, attacks, gossip, hate, pitting them against each other... That’s not love.
I don’t care if you criticise or attack “nicely”. It’s still criticism. It’s still attacks. Learn to accept people. Stop picking them apart. Stop telling them this is wrong, that is wrong, this detail is wrong, that other detail is wrong. Nobody asked! You’re not even getting paid for that. For heaven’s sake stop it. Learn to look at people, see the good, see the bad, and say: this is ok. Both the good and the bad side. I accept this. I will not try to modify this person. I’ll let this person learn the lessons they need on their own.
Can you do that? Repeat with me: “this is ok. I accept this. I will not try to modify or control this person. I accept this person 100% the way she is. I’ll let her learn the lessons she needs on her own. Without my help”.
If you’re not giving love and acceptance, why do you want to receive love and acceptance from people?
What a lame life you’ve been leading, mother. Focusing entirely on controlling others. I feel sorry for you. Pity is the only thing I feel. But, rejoice! You have so much life ahead of you. You could choose to waste it all on vindication, OR… you could find new friends, find new hobbies, and start living. Which option do you choose?
Whatever you do… Choose wisely, because I am not asking again. Ever again. The way things are, this is comfortable for me. I can keep blogging about you and other people who remind me of you — it’s always an opportunity for exchanging ideas with my readers (many of whom went through similar) on how to deal with you guys. So it’s not like this is “costing me” something. I only have to gain with my blogging.
However, if you stop sending your sorry attempts at psychic attacks, I’ll consider taking my blog on a whole other direction. Yes, the articles about people who don’t have empathy do give me views, but that’s not even my main interest (and let’s be fair, it’s a bit of a trend on Medium. I’m not the only person writing those). I could keep harping on other things, such as occultism for occultism’s sake, because I know you stalk me and enjoy reading here, so I’m offering this opportunity of having content that won’t hurt your ego from now on — IF, and only if, you accept my offer. Take it or leave it, but I won’t be offering it again in my lifetime.
You’re the only one losing something (your temper, at the very least) when you keep insisting in attacking me. I’m offering you a deal. I’m sure you’re smart enough to know what choice to make.
She has great advice. Just saying.