Not all narcissists are abusive.
(But that doesn’t mean they’ll take you to a healthy place)
Pills of wisdom #5. Sorry, I lost count last time. This is actually #5.
Narcissus is also the name of a flower. (Don’t take this literally, but do reflect on it).
I’m writing this article from experience as a person raised by narcissists (who therefore suffers from repetition compulsion. It’s involuntary. If you grew up having narcissists as “role models” before you realised those people were nothing to look up to, I regret to inform you might suffer from the same as me).
It might not seem like it, because of how often I say the word, but I’m actually careful when and where I refer to somebody a “narcissist”. It’s a term I only use once I already exhausted all other possibilities. First, I always toy with the possibility that “no, but this person is probably just having a bad day”, then “well… It’s repeating. Okay, maybe they’re not entirely healthy, but it could be anything, right? Like depression, insecurity, etc”, then finally “oh crap. I must stop gaslighting myself. It was narcissism. I know it when I see it. This felt familiar. Unfortunately, I fell for it again”.
Part of me wishes I didn’t feel this weird trauma bond with narcissists, because I’d like to think I am healing. It’s really disheartening to come to the realisation that I, once again, after all these years, still fell in the same hole which for other people is so very visible and easy to avoid. But that’s repetition compulsion for you.
With time, I’ll get better at it. We must be gentle on ourselves.
In a way, the mere fact I am now falling for the more harmless narcissists — those who aren’t interested in abusing people — might indicate that I am indeed healing. It’s just that healing takes long and can be a very gradual process.
Keep in mind that narcissists are not TRYING to be evil. They just have a very, very, VERY maladaptive response to emotional discomfort— which leads them to hurt others.
I would have said “trauma”, but no, actually — and especially with these less harmful narcissists who display really glaring traits of NPD (even if they don’t have the disorder) but don’t necessarily come from a vindictive place in the way they relate to others… Are sometimes just spoiled children in adult bodies. Ya know, kids who didn’t hear enough “nos” growing up and now go into fight-or-flight every time they face disappointment. That can also lead to narcissistic tendencies (even if, I’ll repeat, the full disorder isn’t present).
Hence, “emotional discomfort” is more fitting here. People high in narcissistic traits have a very hard time dealing with emotional discomfort — any kind of emotional discomfort, whatever they may consider not comfortable for their own individual parametres — whether it has a trauma origin or not.
I already said it elsewhere and will repeat here: I don’t exactly empathise with narcissists. I don’t care what you think. Cry me a river. I’ll still write from my perspective anyway (maybe learn how to deal with this disappointment? Just a thought…). What I’m doing here is taking a glimpse at a common “origin story” for narcissism so that we can look into today’s topic.
So, how do you identify a narcissistic person* in the wild?
*Keeping in mind that this doesn’t necessarily require a formal diagnosis — which they’re unlikely to get anyway because they’re notorious for denying their own issues — but anyone with strong traits fits here.
I’m learning this gradually, so if I missed any red flag, let me know in the comments.
Narcissistic individuals don’t necessarily want your “supply” (therefore, they don’t necessarily feel a need to abuse you and others — especially if their degree of narcissism is relatively low); But they do seem to carry common red flags out and about, and these people WILL be hard to relate to / frustrating to talk to and live with, regardless of how much they respect your “nos” and your boundaries. They might not rage at you, but WILL be passive-aggressive and emotionally demanding, and WILL use every manipulative trick in the book to guilt-trip you into doing what they think they’re entitled to receive from you. Below is a list of red flags I’ve learned to notice:
A harmless (but still frustrating and draining to be with) narcissistic person can look like…
🔴 A customer in a business / a reader in a blog comment section / [insert here other kinds of consumer] who goes out of their way to shame you for not catering to them — Instead of, you know, going where people already do cater to them in the first place. Because how dare you not cater to them? How dare you surprise them? How dare you be yourself and do your own thing, instead of the imaginary idea of “you” they dreamed-up in their “clearly superior and always right” head? Here’s a great sketch about it:
This is different from “karen” behaviour because not all “karens” are narcissistic. Some are entitled, but don’t have enough NPD traits to fit here. At least they complain at the right place about a product / level of service people DO ALREADY advertise, ya know. Narcissists, on the other hand, aren’t interested in “getting an apology from the manager” or getting the correct service, necessarily. The underlying motivation is another: to force-shape you into the version of you they already had in their heads, just so they don’t have to face admitting they were wrong (or in other words, just so they don’t have to face emotional discomfort. Like I said).
🔴 Literally any person, in any kind of relationship with you, who manipulates you with increasingly more and more absurd assertions to “force you” to give them exactly the answer they were hoping for when they asked you a question. They don’t ask you questions out of curiosity, they ask you questions in order for you to read out loud the imaginary script they already have for the “fictional character of you” inside their heads. They do it to delude themselves that they couldn’t possibly be surprised by you because surprises bring emotional discomfort.
🔴 That super friendly, sweet, and nice person who repeatedly makes over-the-top flattering comments about something they “admire” in you, to the point of putting you on a pedestal because of it. And it’s repeated. Don’t forget that. A once-off comment can come from anyone, even a perfectly healthy person who just had a “oopsie” moment and forgot where to stop with the complimenting, lol. This is different. It’s deliberate because they say it one day, they another day, then again, and again, and again. It’s a form of love-bombing and happens especially often in the beginning of your relationship but can happen at any stage really. With full-blown NPD individuals, this is usually an artifice to get you hooked so that they can gradually devalue you; But with this milder version of narcissism we’re talking about today, it can simply be — again, you guessed it — a strategy they have for avoiding emotional discomfort because in reality they’re envious of you and want to steal what you have (uncomfortable to admit), but they’d rather think they are your fan and supporter (comfortable).
🔴 (This one is SO WEIRD but very common) someone who brags about being humble. Not to be mistaken with humble-brag (which is an actual brag disguised as an “oopsie, I couldn’t help mentioning this shiny new thing” moment). Bragging about being humble is a different thing entirely! It sounds more like, “I sometimes do my job for free because I’m so invested in improving people’s lives” (when it’s CLEAR AS DAY that they need the money and don’t actually mean that — which would be… Ok to say? I mean, everyone deserves to get paid. It’s normal. But for a narcissistic person, it’s important to pretend to be a self-sacrificing martyr for attention I guess). This tends to be for attention, but also to escape the same old emotional discomfort because deep down they know they have delusions of grandeur, which is why they’re overcompensating here. Almost like, “oh, no, pretentious? Me? No, not at all. In fact, let me pretend to be the polar opposite”. Pro tip: a really humble person, guess what, doesn’t feel the need to let people know (not even indirectly, not even with “little hints”) that they’re humble. They simply ARE humble and let their actions speak for themselves.
🔴 Someone who anticipates your judgement and goes full-on “seeking forgiveness mode” before you have any clue what’s happening. This is usually a huge projection of their own shadow, which they ignore at all costs. For example, if you have a roommate with narcissistic traits, and the part of themselves they don’t want to admit (and went to the shadow) is their habit of ignoring responsibilities, they might say “I know you think I’m super irresponsible but I’d like you to know I’m not, please if you give me a chance to prove that to you I will, which is why I’m going to [insert here super mundane task they already did a gazillion times because you agreed they would do it from day one]”. It’s emotional blackmail so that you’ll feel guilt-tripped into pretending that the person isn’t a bit late or a bit too relaxed with that task and start reassuring them (and mind you — maybe you wouldn’t even comment on it, maybe you’ve never argued about it or called the person “irresponsible” in your life, but the narcissist brought it up first because they just need that sweet sweet reassurance).
Always keep in mind: narcissistic people don’t see you. They don’t see anyone but themselves (much like Narcissus, in Mythology, got fully consumed by the image of himself). And the way they see themselves is very distorted to begin with (like I already pointed out in an older article). THAT is their main defining trait. It’s not the overcompensation, it’s not the entitlement, it’s not even the occasional abuse. It’s the willful blindness to anyone and anything that wasn’t created inside their imagination. The reason it’s so difficult for them to find healing, is THAT. Their entire world is made-up. It’s fantasy. It’s not reality. They have long decided to avoid reality at all costs, and would probably rather die than see it again. A psychotic person might think, “I wanna get out of this”. A schizophrenic person might also think “I wanna get out of this”. A narcissist, on the contrary, “I’m comfy here. I’m never leaving this fake world”. Sad, but true.
