Ode to Sunlight
My very first love.
> If you’re new here: I don’t speak literally, I’m not a materialist. I believe in invisible forces beyond our understanding. Thanks for visiting.
How can something so intimate be simultaneously overt? Visible in public to those who have eyes to see it. “Unapologetic” could be the word I’m looking for. Given my history, this embrace almost feels forbidden… But I’ll surrender to it now.
I was brought up by lunar, elusive, mysterious people who tried to teach me to love the shadows and hide from the world. They had a distorted view of Sunlight, and so did I by extension — why wouldn’t I trust my caregivers? “Aggressive” is what they called it, when the correct word to use would have been “self-motivated”. They taught me to see a sin where there was simply ambition, unspeakable betrayal where there was simply individuation, selfishness where there was simply a fearless demeanor.
They drowned me in a cave of darkness and depth when in fact I wasn’t born with gills. I could barely breathe, and had to pretend I belonged.
It’s probably why I cried when this came out in the cinema:
I went from trying to belong with my polar opposites… To making a superhuman effort trying to help them see things the way I saw them.
None of that worked.
I moved on, but kept looking for people similar to my caregivers so that I’d finally make progress — even if I didn’t consciously notice that.
Eventually, I let them all go.
It’s difficult to move on without guidance; without the helping hand of a person who understands it’s safe to let the sun shine unobstructed. Sometimes it looks like the entire world of spirituality worships the Moon, and the Moon alone. I have nowhere to turn. No-one to rely on.
Nowhere but forward. No-one but myself. In a sense, this goes with the solar theme. Perhaps I needed this realisation.
Where I’m headed, it’s dry… But it’s breathable. I can let out a sigh of relief, and take in all the exquisite smells, good and bad. They’re clear, strong, never subdued or hidden beneath several layers of deception.
My destination has no echoes or resistance from the water… But it’s safe to raise my voice. No-one scoffs when I sing my own inspired song, dissonant with the crowd — but paradoxically belonging in it.
This new world almost blinds me when I open my eyes in the morning… But I can truly shine, without a hint of shame, reflecting this light in all directions. Of course beings who only absorb it, without reflecting, would never understand the meaning of being solar and selfless at the same time. Perhaps the “selfish” assumption was a misunderstanding all along.
Here I don’t know anybody, but it feels paradoxically safer, because I no longer need to second-guess my every step.
It’s a world where, if you don’t risk it, you don’t thrive.
A nightmare for “my people”, I’m sure. But it feels like home to me.
Thank you, sun, for showing me the way.
