Okay, but… What do I REALLY like in other people?
An exercise in getting to know myself.
This started as a journal entry, but I decided to share and elaborate on it here since it can help you get to know yourself a little deeper too — especially so if you’re a chronic complainer.
Some people are chronic complainers and do so outwardly (we call them killjoys and nitpickers, or in good old Hiberno-English, “no craic whatsoever”). Other people (a lot more numerous, because most of us are self-aware at a basic level) are chronic complainers who don’t really voice their complaints/criticism for the world to hear, but keep a very steady negative monologue going inside their heads. This monologue is constantly picking apart and criticising anything slightly off in anyone they see or interact with. They’re probably also criticising and picking themselves apart, because when you’re highly critical of others, you tend to be highly critical of yourself. As above, so below.
There can be many reasons why this happens, but I am no psychologist and will leave that for the experts. Instead, today I’m doing an exercise in turning this nasty habit on its head.
Now, it’s not that I necessarily have a “constant monologue” criticising people — I’m not that extreme — but I sometimes do that, once every few days, which to my knowledge is already too much. Maybe you’re similar: you’re not necessarily a person with zero self-esteem who mentally criticises everyone nonstop… Or maybe, your criticism isn’t too harsh, it’s just mild disapproval (but noteworthy enough that it gets stuck in your head!). In other words, you are an overall positive person but maybe you have your moments. If you relate, this article could be helpful.
So, there are a lot of things others do that irritate me. Noted. But what are the things I DO look for in my interactions with other people? What are the behaviours, mindsets, and habits others have that instantly make me feel drawn to them?
Here’s my list, and I encourage you to make your own.
1. They’re not afraid of / prejudiced against spirituality.
Obviously, this had to make the list. I have a good relationship with quite a few Atheists, but they all have one thing in common: they’re not into Atheism BECAUSE of a classist and low-key Colonialistic attitude. Instead, they’re into Atheism because they genuinely do not believe in god(s) or spiritual phenomena whatsoever. The world is full of people declaring themselves Atheist who in fact are just racist and think anything other than a Eurocentric calendar and lifestyle is “ignorance” or “not civilised”. I steer clear of these bigots. Instead, I love seeing people from all faiths (or lack of faith) who consider every expression of human culture equally valid, and just keep their beliefs/non-beliefs to themselves as an aside.
Now contrast that to the shallow “pagans” of Tiktok, Instagram, reddit and Youtube: they end up being judgemental and dogmatic even if they don’t think of themselves as conservative (yes, even the pagans. Yes, I’ve tried befriending them multiple times. It’s not gonna work between us. I give up).
I’ll keep to the open-minded circles, even if that means sacrificing the ritualistic aspect of my practice (which to be quite honest, I’m not too keen on anyway. I’m a modern oracle, dear).
2. They’re simple-minded.
This is a thing I’m sure a lot of people consider an insult. I love it, myself. Simple-minded are those who may or may not have ambitions, but generally speaking, choose to stay in their hometowns (or somewhere else small in the country) away from all the fads and trends that come and go in this Capitalistic world. They don’t fall for low-effort baits and don’t overcomplicate communication or life itself.
When I look back at the friendships that didn’t work with me, they were all with complicated people who had many “layers” of social masks to them. As it turns out, I’d much rather be among people who have little (if anything) to hide. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pretending the idyllic small towns around the globe don’t harbour things like gossip and conflicts — gurrrrl… you should see the hot tea we have sometimes on this side of the pond lol — however, country dwellers tend to be delightfully unapologetic and no-fucks-given. They might keep a secret or two, but won’t turn EVERY LITTLE THING into a taboo because “oh no, what will others think?” *hides daintily behind a fan* What in the actual fuck is this princessy bullshit?
My people know better than seeking approval at their own cost. That’s my vibe, too.
3. They stick to the tried-and-tested, long-history-having, “slow” habits.
This is not to be mistaken with “they’re close-minded”. My kind of people aren’t exactly fearful of innovation — they’re just sceptical until it proves itself useful. The world has too many cults and pyramid schemes already (the “fads” that come and go), and I cherish the people who don’t even allow this kind of bullshit to come into their communities. They’re laid-back, understand the process behind goods and services, and don’t look at me weird if I tell them “it took me a year to reply to that offer” or “this coffee takes a solid 20 minutes to prepare”.
Similarly, I’m not a big fan of fast food. Because it’s “unhealthy”? No. I’m not a neurotic Virgo (no offense to the Virgos but you guys know what I mean lol). I dislike fast food because it’s fast. I don’t like the idea of anything that is fast. If I want a burguer or a pizza, Imma go to the place where people care about it, are well-paid and looked after, and put actual effort into making that food. Effort and zeal matter to me — and my friends who stick around tend to have a similar mindset.
My people welcome newcomers and innovators alike if they prove to be respectful, persistent, and not just trying to gain a quick buck. I appreciate that mindset.
4. They don’t think the customer is always right.
“The customer is always right” is usually just code for “please adapt to the loudest complainer regardless of how little sense they’re making”. It’s akin to telling mothers to let their small toddlers decide the house rules. Utterly ridiculous! My people are those who bond in mutual dislike for that fake maxim.
“Oh but you’re missing out, oh but you’re losing business” (or “oh but you’re not being compassionate enough” — the pseudo-spiritualist mumbo-jumbo equivalent)— sweetie, I wasn’t born to carry the world on my shoulders. Nobody was. I’m doing perfectly fine working for those who see my humanity and I’ve never seen scarcity from where I’m standing, soooo… My service, my rules.
5. They have a sense of humour that does not include punching down.
This is the only item on my list which, you could argue, is hard to find in the world (sadly) — but you DO find it every once in a while! I’ve been curating my circles so that they only include people who, strictly, avoid joking about minorities and other oppressed groups. I’m not just talking about blatant “punching down”. I also mean subtle. For example, I’m sure most people in this day and age agree that it’s in bad taste to make racist jokes. Good. On the other hand, though, it’s a lot harder to find people who see the problem in ageist or ableist jokes, or humour that mocks petty crime, homelessness or other phenomena that are OVERWHELMINGLY associated with the lower social classes. If you think about it, though, you’ll see it’s punching down too.
Look, I love me a good joke, I keep telling people that if I ever need a side gig I’ll get into stand-up. I’m not coming from a place of “sensitivity” when I say punching down is problematic. I’m speaking from a detached place. Even if some people who are the butt of these jokes wouldn’t be offended, great, good for them, but this is not about offense. Hell, a woman could make sexist jokes against herself and I’d still dislike it. This is about lack of character. When you punch down, what you’re saying is you either desire the power to oppress [the already oppressed] people, or you’re a-okay with the status quo as it is. That’s not the best impression in my book. I want social progress. I strive to see a world where nobody feels like a second-class citizen. It can’t be achieved if we keep normalising this stratified mess we’re in, all in the name of “not making a fuss”. Seriously. Have a backbone.
6. They allow themselves to be proud when pride is due, and to be humble when pride is unnecessary.
Maybe some of my haters are thinking “that’s too specific, Lucy. Good luck finding this kind of people”. Joke’s on them if so, because I just described the entire population of Greece (or almost, but anyway, great folks! They remind me of the oldschool Irish people I also get on super well with. And the indigenous. And the French. I get on great with all of these cultures in my experience).
The bitter truth that a lot of people ignore (especially the self-effacing who end up shooting themselves in the foot) is that Imperialism isn’t dead. It’s just run by oligarchs now. And what do imperialists love? Why, of course, people who look down on their own traditional ways in an attempt to be “nice” or “not cancelled [by chronically online people who know nothing] on social media”. Idiots.
7. They’re low-maintenance.
…Which doesn’t mean they (well, we, together) can’t have a fancy meal at a posh place every now and then. Of course we can! But we don’t need it.
This goes beyond price tags, of course — when I say high-maintenance, I’m picturing your average Virgo (yes, I’ll joke about Virgos again, and no, that’s not punching down. Your sign gives you a tendency but ultimately your behaviour is a matter of choice). Ya know… “Organic Vegetables™ (no healthier than your average supermarket shelf stuff — ask any farmer or scientist) from my go-to niche market in Middleofnowheresville only (god forbid it ever closes down! I’ll starve) with pink salt (that has nothing special in reality but it was marketed to me with plenty of emotion so I bought into the fad), homegrown herbs and that one brand of cheese whose farm I’ve been to”. I’d imagine these people never travel, because god forbid they not know the minutiae about every single ingredient they put into their bodies.
Do we need SOME of that care in order to lead a healthy life? Aye. But taking it to an extreme like that… I’m sorry, that’s joke material for me. Not to mention it’s giving sheltered royalty who will say “let them eat cake” at the first opportunity. Nope. Hard pass. They pretend to be all for social progress but it’s hard to believe they’d even shake hands with someone less fortunate. Because, ya know, germs I guess.
I’d rather hang out with people who won’t have a panic attack if they accidentally eat something they’re avoiding (save in case of severe allergies or disabilities. Ya know what I mean) or experience something new that wasn’t on their planner. Campers and adventurers of the world, I salute you!
I love people with standards, but free of neurosis — to the farthest extent achievable, I suppose.
Are any of my no-go areas objectively bad?
Well… (save for punching down, because really?!) no. Not exactly. For every eyeroll I had writing the above, I’m sure people with different priorities than me could find at least 10 qualities I didn’t talk about. I’m by no means saying anyone is objectively bad or inferior. In fact, I’m against that very habit — ya know, saying some people are inferior and other ones superior. And I mean it.
The thing is, the crowd who usually misunderstands me speaks a totally different language which I addressed in another article. They come from a place of always, always, always, always, always looking for The Truth, The Thing to Believe, The One And Only Crystalised and Objective Stance — so they project, and think I do that too. I don’t. But disagreeing is futile. I’ll let them keep misunderstanding me.
For those who ARE willing to listen, though, I’ll say this: I work with objectivity AND subjectivity (and I label them appropriately. This article, I’ll repeat, is my opinion. It’s subjective). I don’t sneeze at the idea of subjectivity. In fact, part of being an advocate for diversity also includes talking about how two different worldviews can be equally and simultaneously valid. A stance I’m sure is very hard to grasp when you’re used to preaching The One And Only Truth (like a priest of some kind) in everything you say (even unreligious things), but to each their own.
I’m pro-choice (which is not just about abortion). I’ll let those who believe making choices = letting down whatever you didn’t choose, hang out among themselves, safely away from me. I’ve been brainwashed by this crowd for a bit too long, and now I choose (ha!) to break free from their people-pleasing (but secretly-being-picky) dictatorship. In fact, I haven’t officially said goodbye to some of them. I’m not sure I even wanna. Too much bureaucracy, I’m sure — they’re never straightforward anyway.
It’s an “interesting” realisation that comes with being where I’m at. I used to think I was quite unpleasant and had poor social skills, when in fact, as it turns out, I’m actually pretty damn average. I just happened to be trapped with the wrong crowd since birth. Of course I wouldn’t know how to navigate these interactions! Now that I’ve been focusing more on who I DO want — unapologetically — I’ve discovered a whole new set of social skills I didn’t know I had all along.
I’ve even resolved my dilemma with spirituality! The answer is no, I’m not going to be open about my beliefs in my “regular” life — but now I know the reason for that. I’ll keep it to myself because the only people who openly talk about this topic are the “lunar” crowd. This is precisely why “solar” folks who have a spiritual side look and sound like average Joes. You can’t have spiritual communities without dogma, high-maintenance behaviour, and shelteredness. I want none of that, no thanks, I can rough it on my own. I’ll embed my oracle into everyday activities if needs be. Whatever it takes to stay THE HELL away from excessive frills and taboos. Some people love this ceremonial and hyper-complicated way of relating — they’re the folks I’ll never get on with. It’s not a problem, it’s just a fact of life. We’re like oil and water. It is what it is.
Three decades of assuming there was something wrong with me because I tried super hard to have a pleasant friendship with people who had nothing to do with me… Sort of creates a bit of frustration, ya know? Worse: I had to find my way out of it alone, because of course this crowd wouldn’t out themselves (as people-pleasers who were in fact preaching it to me like a dogma), so they only indicated therapists and other helpers who drank the same kool-aid. It feels like leaving a cult. I’m finding comfort in stories of people who left cults, so yeah, that’s my reality now.
Here’s to new beginnings! 🍷
