Real envy VS imagined “pop culture” envy: how to tell them apart.
This topic isn’t vain, it’s important. Don’t underestimate how much the people you keep in your life influence you.
The more you avoid thinking or talking about envy, the more likely you are to be surrounded by envious frienemies and/or envying others yourself without noticing.
Read that again.
I don’t care if some people roll their eyes at this subject or think I’m making a fuss unnecessarily. I’ll talk about it anyway. Don’t like it? The exit button is on the top right corner.
Today’s article is about differentiating the fictional idea we have of envy (sensationalised for pop culture and media) from the real deal. Basically, yes, you need to be careful about envy — both the envy that comes from others, and your own — but not the way TV has taught you. Often times, envy is lurking in the places we least expect. So, let’s talk about it.
Instead of comparing the real vs the fake side by side, I’ll do something a bit more different: I’ll go from fake to real, progressively. That’s because dichotomies don’t help where this topic is concerned. Envy is a spectrum.
Completely bogus: confessions of envy.
So, what is the most ridiculous and false example of envy out there? As far as I know, it’s confessions of envy — by which I mean when people straight-up tell you how envious they are of you. Bonus points for telling it with a calm demeanour, without tears or panic.
You can rest assured, when you see or hear that, it’s 100% false and there’s no need to worry. Chances are the person is just trying to be humble in a tongue-in-cheek way and signal to you they admire something about you and are rooting for you. That’s not envy AT ALL, although the word might be used.
I’ve seen the word “jealous” mistakenly used in this context as well — sometimes by people who are usually super pedantic with their choice of vocabulary elsewhere, which is very ironic — when what they actually mean is “I’m envious”, not jealous. Jealousy involves a third party, it’s a whole other beast. But again, this kind of “envy” is so healthy that I consider it false alarm. I mean, sure, it would be ideal not to feel it, and to instead only nurture feelings or admiration and sisterhood (or brotherhood) towards other people; But nobody is a saint, we’re all human, and that’s okay. So, if you confess envy in a playful way like that, don’t worry. You’re just being human, competing with others in a safe way, and not harming anybody in the process.
Mostly a false alarm, but stay alert: copying / emulating someone else.
Now we’re getting into pop culture territory. Name 5 films that depict a person copying someone they envy and failing miserably at emulating what they admire so much — usually their nemesis, the protagonist. Chances are you can name 10, or even 50. Probably way more if we’re talking about books. It’s a common trope.
Pop culture would have us believe that imitators are all evil and out to get us… But reality isn’t half as alarming as that. I’d say most of the panic around imitation comes from Western individualism — so much so that it’s way less prevalent in Eastern media, from films to manga, due to the collectivistic norm you see in these cultures —because here in the West, we put uniqueness on a pedestal. We think competition is the norm and cooperation is “naive”. (It’s truer the further West you go, I’d argue Europe is a zillion times less individualistic than the US and Canada, for example, but that’s a topic for another post).
However, trend-setters aren’t always without fault. The people whose style or mannerisms we copy in an attempt to bring some of their awesomeness into our own lives… Can sometimes have a very dark agenda. This is why I said, “stay alert”. Are you copying someone simply because you decided to out of free will? Great. But are you copying them because of peer pressure, or because you fear what will happen if you don’t, or because you’re being manipulated into it? Not so great.
Still, this isn’t envy per se. That’s why I put it on the harmless side of our spectrum here.
A bit sketchy, avoid the person if you can: criticism.
This is mostly criticism of the non-constructive variety, but con-crit can sometimes hide envy too, so don’t completely ignore it.
The critic is the #1 kind of envious person I wish pop culture would show us more of. Not that characters who are total killjoys and always criticising others don’t exist — they do, by the hundreds! — but they’re NEVER portrayed as envious as far as I’m aware, and I wish they were, since that’s reality. This is old as balls, as well: revisit The Fox and The Grapes by Aesop, if you haven’t. Criticising others is part of the human experience, but when it comes out of nowhere and for no apparent reason… It hides envy; frustration with not getting what you wish you had, so you try to diminish its importance or validity to feel better about not having it.
If you’re criticised during a heated debate with someone or in some other highly emotional context, chances are the person is just being irrational and childish, so that’s not envy. It’s annoying, but it’s not envy. HOWEVER, if you’re criticised out of the blue — in whichever tone it is, often portrayed as “an attempt to help” which was uncalled for and unnecessary — there’s a very high chance you’re dealing with a two-faced person who harbours a lot of envy. I mean… If they didn’t, if the “advice” was genuine, they’d just keep it in the back of their minds until they had the opportunity to bring it up or until you asked.
The envious, however, are not genuinely out to help you. They just want to make you feel “not good enough”. And this is how they usually go about it: by constantly criticising you. Even if they offer solutions, there’s always the hidden truth that it came from them (and they’ll make full sure not to use ANY bit of your pre-existing wisdom in there, it’s always only THEIR input and THEIR insights). Because of course it did. They’re so much better than you. They always have better ideas than yours. What would you do without them? Die out of incompetence, probably. THAT is the sneaky message in between the lines with an envious person’s “need to look after you”. And it worms its way into your unconscious, making you feel progressively more and more insecure.
Don’t fall for that. Cut contact.
Not a good look: gossip and triangulation, often based on false rumours.
Let’s face it, most of us gossip about celebrities and politicians on the news, or private people whose bad behaviour we’ve SEEN or have EVIDENCE for. That’s not what I’m talking about. Envious gossip is necessarily about total rumours or a straight-up false perception. Zero proof, zero fact-checking, just catty behaviour — that’s envy. And if you see it play out, beware.
Why is it about false stuff? Is anyone perfect? Can’t the envious person just focus on a real flaw? Well, no. They can’t, because of the nature of envy: when you’re envious, [you won’t admit this but] you’re secretly a person’s biggest fan. You plain-and-simply CANNOT SEE their flaws. You put them on a pedestal so high up in the sky and you’re so blindsided by this idealised picture you have in your mind of them, that you just decide you have to make something up in order to bring them down. They’re on this pedestal high up in the sky! How dare them! Nobody should be there! — And indeed, nobody should be there. That’s unrealistic. But who fucking put this person there, you idiot? You. And you won’t admit it because you’re envious, motherfucker. (Rhetoric discourse here. Don’t take it personally unless the shoe fits).
This is, by the way, another unseen danger of going overboard when you focus on “awe and wonder” as a life hack: you feed the envious beast inside you. After all, if you can’t see that awe and wonder, like anything else, also need moderation, you’ll exaggerate on them; And you’ll start idealising people and scenarios without fact-checking, and it all spirals from there.
Anyway, back to gossip:
Gossipers will portray themselves as self-righteous and holier-than-thou, which is usually a TELL TALE sign they’re ignoring and not dealing with their own shadows. It’s a lot worse if the gossip is based on envy, with false rumours, etc, since it can indicate projection and a whole host of nasty things that are a feast for a psychiatrist.
People who aren’t envious simply don’t have time for dividing and conquering like that. They don’t feel the need to watch others fight due to their own underhanded gossip and machinations, because they know their worth and don’t feel threatened in the presence of others who could potentially “outdo” them. The envious, on the other hand, turn it into a habit. So, beware.
Danger zone: lurkers in the shadows who only come into the light to “stir the pot”.
Often seen on the internet if you blog or put yourself out there in any other capacity — everybody has these silent followers who never say a word of encouragement or even give a like or share; They seem to only give some sign of life when they’re out to scrutinise and crucify you, whenever you make the smallest mistake. That’s envy. It’s the same variety you see in the critic, but I consider the critic less harmful because at least they aren’t being a coward.
Similarly, offline, there are people who seem to only make themselves seen when they have a sentence beginning in “actually…” to say to you. A classic example is if you have children, and there’s THAT person who always apparently knows more than you about parenting and will give unsolicited advice, but where are they when it’s time to offer some babysitting help? Back in hiding, probably. That’s envy. They’re envious of your life. They desperately want the world to talk shite about you because that will make them feel like less of a failure in comparison.
This kind of person is very, very, very dangerous. They’ll stop at nothing to see you fail, even if it takes turning people against you one by one. Cut contact, block them, expose them, get a restraining order, whatever it is you need.
Pure evil: people who actively discourage you from pursuing what brings you joy.
So, if you’re writing an envious character who is truly evil, what’s the absolute top-notch you can go for? What’s the crème de la crème?
I’ll tell you what: the avid discouragers. The dream-killers. The miserable people who seem to bring a grey cloud with them wherever they go. What’s worse: they always, always, always make full sure to not only befriend you but get as close as they can. Think Regina George pretending to befriend the new girl in town who is definitely pretty (and thus “a threat” to her).
These people are straight-up energy vampires and they WILL suck the life out of you if you let them. Contrary to the lurker, who is already super dangerous but easy to unmask, the “fake friendly” discouragers seem to escape accountability all the time. It’s always an uphill battle when you try to open other people’s eyes to the evil that only you are seeing in this person (but very much exists). They always appear sweet and civil, while secretly plotting the downfall of the person they envy and pretend to love.
Some of them will pretend to be discouraging you “for your own good” — awwwww, the sweet sweet child is just trying to protect you, that dream of yours is aiming too high or too unrealistic, uwu?
Don’t fall for that.
Genuine concern tends to come with a friendly warning, but a “I’ll still be there for you if you insist in pursuing this goal anyway” at the end. Genuine friends don’t kill dreams; Even the craziest dreams. And in all honesty, if you think someone is TRULY stupid or too ambitious, why continue the friendship with them? I for one don’t keep people in my life when I find out our values don’t align. Similarly, I don’t keep following bloggers when I find out the stuff they write about doesn’t align with my values. Why would I set out to “destroy” them under the pretense of faking a “helpful” facade? I have better things to do with my time! But then again, I’m not chronically envious.
Calling these fake manipulators out might be futile — as is trying to warn others about them — but one thing you can and should do is keep your distance. Politely decline proximity, no matter how often they try to pull you back in. What can they do? Arrest you for saying “no”? Lol, you’re in command here. They want to make it seem like you aren’t, but that’s just part of their twisted agenda. Nobody can force you to submit to somebody who doesn’t have your best interests in mind.
In summary: envy stems from comparison; But it’s only dangerous when there is entitlement in the mix.
Let’s face it: someone who simply compares themselves with you is competing. Competition isn’t always a sign of envy; It can simply be a sign of healthy inspiration for self-improvement.
The problem, the disordered thing, begins when you add entitlement to it; because then, you’re shifting responsibility for your self-improvement from you (where it SHOULD be) to the other person (where it SHOULD NEVER be). Instead of trying to grow, you start demanding that the other person make themselves smaller. That’s disordered behaviour, love. Stop it. Get some help. Comparison and competition, in order to stay healthy, should only hold YOURSELF accountable. (And even then, it can get obsessive, but that was a topic for another day — nonetheless, it isn’t as destructive as envy).
I’m not here to tell anyone they’re envious and that’s the end of it; If you read that into my words, take a good look at what makes you say that. Maybe you think people are always born one way and that’s it, no room for learning or improving in anything? If that’s the case, my blog isn’t for you. Here I talk about things that need addressing, but more important than that, I discuss how to address them. Nobody is permanently anything. Nothing is fixed or permanent — well, I already said I’m a Buddhist in the bio, but it’s worth repeating the famous saying. And if even after acknowledging that, you still insist in feeling fragile at the occasional “call outs”, again, may I suggest the back door? -> 🚪
Thank you for reading, until next time.
