Signs of a narcissistic helper
No, you’re not crazy. This “charitable” person is narcissistic.
The meme above plays on absurdity humour — only a very obtuse person would interpret “tell her, ‘you’re beautiful’” as “tell her that you’re beautiful”. That’s why it’s funny. However, it highlights a tell-tale sign narcissistic people display: self-absorption. This is today’s topic.
When we think of self-absorption, we get very literal. “Oh, a self-absorbed person is always smug and overconfident and congratulating themselves”. That’s not wrong, but it’s not the full story. For instance, a self-absorbed person can be generous and altruistic! It’s not just the selfish that display traits of narcissism. In the case of a generous and altruistic narcissistic person, the self-absorption will be in the way they hand out help and attention. Sure, they’re sharing, but they share in a narcissistic way: it’s only “my way or the highway”. There’s no flexibility ever. Why? Because they’re not seeing the other, so how can they see the other’s REAL needs? They’re only seeing themselves, the manual they already have on “how to help people”, and that fixed, immutable, stubbornly constant straight line towards giving the help and getting the praise. (Hence, self-absorbed).
Refer to the meme again. It’s as if Jon Snow was saying, “her? Her who? There’s only me here. Me, me, me”. Or, more precisely, “ah, yes, I see her there. Let her be my audience who is going to applaud me, because only I matter. Only my beauty matters. Me, me, me”.
(Now translate that to the context at hand: “oh, this person who needs me said something unexpected? I’ll close my ears. Only my pre-determined assumptions about how to help matter because in the end of the day, there’s only me. Me, me, me”).
I’m using “helper” in general because I’m referring to every kind of person who decides to be altruistic. It can be informally, like a friend you have who spontaneously decided to try helping you, or formally, like a professional coach, psychologist, teacher, oracle, mentor, etc. It happens across the board! Don’t be fooled by someone’s credentials, a diploma or a title does not prevent anybody from having narcissistic traits.
Self-absorption leads to rigidity and very frustrating conversations that feel like monologues; It’s like there’s no real give-and-take, you MUST always be the taker and the helper narcissist MUST always be the giver (because they decided that giving = having more power or more wisdom [or insert trait here that will earn them applause and admiration] than the person who receives the help. See the self-absorption there?) But although it’s frustrating to deal with, it can also lead to clarity, because luckily once you know what to look for, you can see it a mile away and cut contact!
Also worth mentioning: don’t mistake this for the normal human need we all have for recognition. Genuine helpers feel good when they’re congratulated or acknowledged, and there shouldn’t be any guilt about it. It’s normal! The narcissistic need for these same things (praise and admiration) is more intense, though. It’s not just them looking for an indicator that they’re doing a good job, or if not, how to improve. Instead, it’s like an insatiable hunger. It trumps all else! Narcissists don’t see praise and admiration as “an extra something” they can get out of helping people; No, instead, they see it as a primal necessity they cannot live without (hence their resistance or strong emotional reactions to feedback). So if the shoe isn’t yours, please don’t put it on.
Here’s a list of common red flags to watch out for in a helper of any kind:
🔴 They invalidate feedback. This is different from getting reactive to feedback! If someone gets reactive, that’s not necessarily narcissism — that’s just their normal human ego taking a hit and having a reaction the person will regret later. Don’t be expecting everyone to be all smiles and hugs when you disapprove of their work. Healthy people have egos and get reactive all the time. It’s normal. However… If the person you’re dealing with is healthy, they will later on apologise for having whatever reaction they had, and will show signs of interest in addressing your concerns with more calm. In contrast, someone with strong narcissistic traits might even be sweet to you when you disapprove of the help they offered you. They don’t always rage! Don’t worry too much about how they respond. Instead, look into what’s underneath their response. Did they invalidate your concerns, brush you off, or made you feel “wrong” for even having concerns? It doesn’t matter if they did that with a sweet tone of voice and a smile. That’s invalidation anyway. That’s a narcissistic trait. It means they are putting up A BIG WALL against your input, preferring instead to protect their pride.
🔴 They dislike or act dismissive of “competitors”. This is common with the professional kind of narcissistic helper. If you suggest reading material, audiovisual or whatever, by a fellow who works in the same industry, the narcissistic helper won’t like it one bit. They might show disdain or contempt without even taking a look at the content you brought them! Now contrast that to the attitude healthy professionals have: they display curiosity, or tell you “oh actually I know this person’s work already! [Insert here respectful commentary, good or bad]”. That’s because a mentally healthy person KNOWS that no matter how much competition they have, you are already, matter-of-factly, choosing and paying for their work, not their competitors. Maybe you’ll move on, maybe you’ll stay using their services for longer, but they don’t obsess over it. In contrast, someone with strong narcissistic traits is deeply insecure, to the point of being a bit bizarre: you’re already using their services, you already chose them, but none of that matters, huh? They get suspicious of competitors anyway. Like, “oh, no, this patient/pupil/etc is testing me or trying to make me feel jealous”. Yes, I know, ridiculous, but it’s really what is underneath their reaction. They’re miserable and insecure to THAT extent.
🔴 They would rather label a problem “impossible” to address than admit they don’t know how to address it (but someone else might). Some won’t use the word “impossible”, but “very hard” or other synonyms instead — either way, it’s indicating a lack of interest on their part in exploring this unchartered territory. In fact, once they give you the dismissive response, chances are they’re already knees-deep into research in order to find an answer to your unanswered question ASAP… But they would rather die than admit it. Narcissistic people hate being “left behind” or not having answers (aka, not being in control) for any given problem. At the same time, though, they’re extremely proud and arrogant. Instead of simply admitting, “hey, I don’t know that one. Still researching. Give me some time”, no, oh no, the shame! Imagine the shame! They feign disinterest until suddenly coming up with yet another miracle solution that they, and only they, can offer. This stems from insecurity and low self-esteem, once again: whereas a healthy person is okay with the possibility of failure because they have already succeeded in other occasions… a narcissistic person just needs to win. Every. Single. Time. And if they don’t, the world will end. Dramatic is an understatement.
🔴 They project A LOT. And I mean A LOT. Projection is an unfortunate part of the human condition, because we all have egos and they sometimes get disregulated. That’s okay. Narcissistic people, however, project way way more than the average person. It’s hard to even compare! Whereas a healthy person might project one of their shadows onto you every now and then, a narcissistic one will do it daily (or every single time you talk) and with many of their shadows at once. For example, someone with a background in betting, who still feels guilty for the greed, might accuse you of being greedy — and you’ll be left confused, trying to piece things together and trying to see what on earth made them think that. Well, obviously, it wasn’t you. It was their own shadow. They’re just projecting it onto you. Similarly, certain helpers have a habit of projecting their avoidant attachment style onto a patient/ student/ etc when in fact the person in front of them didn’t display ANY signs of avoidance just yet; it is THEY who need to learn to trust more and be more vulnerable in life. Projections can be tricky to recognise, but here is a rule of thumb: if someone’s commentary or impression of you doesn’t feel intuitive (ie, if you have to dig really hard to come up with “why” they’re calling you this or that, because usually that word doesn’t represent you / other people don’t call you that / you’re not used to that comment), it’s probably projection.
🔴 They work hard for your approval. Read it again. I didn’t say they work hard to help you, I said they work hard to get you to approve of them. As soon as you say the magic words (ie, give them praise — preferrably in public), it’s like you ceased to exist, because you’ve given them the one and only thing they wanted (and the whole reason why they’re putting on this helper facade). However, BEFORE you do that, they will be restless. Every narcissistic person is like that, it’s super easy to spot, so pay attention: are they working extra hard whilst gently “nudging” you towards giving them praise and recognition? Watch out. A healthy (and genuine!) helper wouldn’t do that, they’d just take a look at what you need, see if they have what it takes, and do the job or say “sorry I can’t, try mr. so-and-so”. See the contrast? There’s always an energy of frenzy, of restlessness, with narcissists. It’s like they’re “hungry” for something. And indeed, they are — they’re hungry for supply.
🔴 They hide their own vulnerabilities. Now, I’m not saying a helper should make things about themselves or divert the conversation to their own woes when you’re the one in need of help (that’s another arsehole move). What I am saying, instead, is everyone gets vulnerable every now and then. Every healthy person, I mean. Even people who put on a “tough guy” facade might confess to be grieving because someone died, or struggling with a specific health problem, etc, every once in a blue moon — and if you follow them closely, you’ll see them do that. And then, of course, there are the more “feminine-leaning” people among us who wear their hearts on their sleeve. I’m one of them, I can vouch for that: I won’t put myself first if someone needs me. I’m just aware that I’m free to share my woes during my normal routine, some other time. Narcissistic “helpers”, however, abhor vulnerability — unless it’s others getting vulnerable with them. In that case, they welcome and encourage it! But they? Themselves? Getting vulnerable about literally anything? Oh, no! “I must maintain an image”, they think. This goes beyond the normal “tough guy” I referred to previously — it’s not about seldom getting vulnerable because they don’t like doing that, but will do once in a blue moon to show they’re human; No, with a narcissist [of the “helper”, tough, always-in-control kind], it’s about NEVER EVER EVER EVER getting vulnerable. It’s a deep-rooted distrust of the world, as if everyone was going to hurt them in case they displayed even an inch of vulnerability or (gasp! god forbid!) admitted they don’t always “have their shit together”. What a tragedy! What a drama!
Individually, the red flags above can indicate someone who isn’t narcissistic — they’re just having a narcissistic attitude in the moment.
…And that’s the lesser of two evils, but it doesn’t automatically mean you’ll have an easy time with them. As soon as you see any of these red flags, even if it’s individually (ie, the other ones aren’t present, it’s just one or 2), your expectations with this person should PLUMMET. Lower them way, way, down. There’s no need to cut contact in case the relationship hasn’t reached a level of toxic, but perhaps keep them at a safe distance.
