Society discourages self-awareness: the inconvenient truth behind narcissism.
In this article, I mean “narcissism the adjective”, not the disorder.
Actually, let me rephrase that: society discourages ADULTS from self-awareness. Children are disrespected, erased and undermined on a daily basis, and so are the very elderly. It’s not uncommon to see people on both extremes of the age spectrum getting literally dehumanised, and everyone turning a blind eye to that. If you don’t believe me, re-read the previous sentence here. I called them “people”. Why is it weird to call children and the elderly “people”? They are people. They’re human, just like you and I. And as someone who just recently became a “de facto” adult, I’ve never been so ashamed to belong to the same age bracket as some of the most despicable people I know. Still human, nonetheless. I’d never dehumanise anyone, even my worst enemy.
It goes without saying, but here on the Internet the obvious often has to be stated: not all adults. I mean… I include myself in the group, anyhow. But will I be all apologetic and fearful about using the word “adult” here? No. Fight me.
It all comes down to this neurotic, bordering on obsessive, tendency adults have of trying to convince everyone they “have their shit together”…
…Because god forbid they admit their shortcomings or accept constructive criticism on literally anything. Oh, no! The world is going to end! All hell will break loose! We must not allow such a thing.
Could this have, perhaps, something to do with the fact adults run the world? Just putting this out there. It makes sense to me for 2 reasons. 1) When you’re a leader, you need your “subjects” to look up to you. 2) If you can’t take the respect for granted, impostor syndrome sets in, and a lot of people turn to undermining and disrespecting those they are “ruling” over (or worse still — getting them to take on a submissive “simp” role, like kids are saying these days…) in order to try and remedy the insecurity.
As a result, things like arrogance and fake confidence become normalised. Does that ring any bells?
I love the photo above, it helps getting my point across perfectly: a lot of adults feel like that in the inside, but won’t admit. Blind to reality, incapable of seeing themselves or others accurately, but that’s ok, slap on a crown and [try to] slay because the world is your oyster. Children or elderly people don’t have the same rights and duties. No one else is as powerful as an able-bodied adult these days, so let’s just pretend everything is fine, no skeletons are in anyone’s closet, nothing needs to ever be learned or revisited. You’ve all graduated high school, sure that has to mean something. Am I right?
And if things go wrong… Blame the teachers you once had! Blame the environment. Blame, IDK, god or the gods (or the universe, or whatever you look up to). Blame everything but your own stubbornness and unwillingness to admit you don’t suddenly know it all upon coming of age. Surely everything there is to be known should be crammed up into, what? 10–15 years of formal education, give or take, depending where you live? So the rest of everyone’s lives (let’s do the maths together: roughly 70% these days) ends up being a lawless place where anything goes, and you’re put in command of it like an absolutist monarch. And all of your peers are their own absolutist monarchs too.
Part of me wants to say “where’s the guillotine”. The other part of me empathises, because this has been going on forever. You can’t blame this societal problem on Capitalism or Socialism or your chosen boogeyman, because it predates everything you know. I’d risk saying we are like that since the stone age, but won’t for lack of surviving evidence (still, you get the point). Deep down, a group of irrational monkeys beating each other with a makeshift weapon they didn’t even care to polish, for the title of “alpha”. I’m with you. Ooga-booga. I’m just painfully aware of it.
Jung once said “everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves”. This is sometimes misconstrued as “we project our shadows onto others like a carbon copy, nothing we see is actually theirs, let’s all get depressed now and dwell in endless shame and guilt”; But, you see, I like the original quote better. Don’t you? Still, there is some truth to this projection thing. You could say I sound arrogant too, and I’m projecting that onto others. Well, that is not entirely wrong; but in order for it to be entirely CORRECT, I’d have to be completely out of my mind. Nobody ever is. There is always a trigger, always some kind of LEGIT provocation that leads us to lash out at others and eventually also project.
I mean, I don’t know about you but I don’t go around scolding and lecturing people out of the blue. Telling a friend all about the things that annoy me in them during a very chill coffee break together, or yelling at my husband about his shortcomings at random during a walk isn’t exactly my cup of tea. I wouldn’t like them to do the same to me either. I bet you relate.
This sort of thing is why I relate to the Picts. “Oh, so savage very scare awfully fierce and irrational” [insert doge meme]. Were they? *read in an IT technician voice* have you tried not invading their land with violence in the first place?
Every discussion filled with “adult ego clash” starts with a trigger (and ends with, well, everyone simply staying the same and learning nothing but I digress). If not a provocation per se, at least a misunderstanding. And usually, coming from the assumption that everyone thinks and feels the exact same way so “how could I possibly be unclear to that other person”. Dear, the other person is OTHER. Welcome to humanity. Diversity is a thing. You say I’m patronising? Well, I say I gave you a chance. I never underestimate people’s intelligence from the get go. If I’m stating the obvious, it’s because when I DIDN’T, I regretted that decision. Multiple times. Nobody is BORN frustrated with people or lacking in patience. But the self-absorbed wouldn’t know that, would they? The only background story that matters to them is their own. That’s why I don’t even take it personally. I just facepalm.
Projection only becomes a problem when it’s paired with denial.
That’s because, let’s face it, everyone projects. I project, you project. Everyone does. Let’s open a cinema together.
Jokes aside: the problem of accusing me of arrogance and staying on the high horse is… Your high horse isn’t real. If my arrogance bothers you at all, chances are you have it within you. It’s a two-way road, mate. But it’s ok, there’s no need to act like a martyr or supreme victim of fate now. I’m not trying to undermine you. I’m telling you about a shortcoming we all have, hey, I do that too. It’s not the end of the world. We’re all imperfect, let’s deal with that fact. Can’t we still take on leadership roles DESPITE the imperfection, though? Why be so all-or-nothing about it?
Should we really close our ears completely to someone we judge “imperfect”? Who even IS perfect, in this whole entire planet? The only consensus is “god(s)”, but even then, that’s not an absolute consensus — atheists exist. And just to drive the point home for the fanatics who might be lurking here: atheists have a RIGHT to exist. I’ll defend it myself in case you don’t.
I’ve been re-reading (and sometimes deleting) some of my older blog posts because I realised I no longer want to come across the same way. But where were the people who could give me constructive feedback at the time? Nowhere. All I got was attacks and insults on one side, and indifference on the other.
And again, I don’t take that personally. Instead, I blame it on this annoying norm we have today about adults, and how they’re “supposed” to affirm themselves. Smugly and arrogantly, that is. As inflexible as possible. God forbid anyone ever shows openness to learn. Oh, no! Mortal sin!
If anyone ever tries to break this mould, like I sometimes do, they’re assumed to be either “looking for validation” or “playing the victim”. Because surely those are the only POSSIBLE reasons for an adult like me to even consider asking for constructive feedback about my own communication. People just straight-up assume we have set our ways in stone a long time ago, won’t ever change or take in a new perspective (because what adult ever would, am I right?), and must at all times stay inflexible. If we don’t, we’re infantilised or dubbed “senile” — whichever works best for the bullies.
I don’t think the world is beyond repair. Quite on the contrary. In fact, we’re on the right track. The only problem I see is with this nostalgia people have (perhaps without realising) for the olden days that are now gone. By that I mean [a lot of things really, but for the purpose of this article-] our collective attachment to the idea of “absolutist leader”. That king or emperor who rules with an iron fist and perhaps thinks that if he didn’t, people wouldn’t take him seriously.
Thankfully, we are no longer barbaric like that. But somewhere deep inside, a lot of people haven’t yet realised that now — today, unlike “in the olden days” — respect and violence (even if just VERBAL violence) do NOT need to go hand in hand. And neither are respect and perfection connected. It’s okay, you don’t need that mask of “perfect being” anymore, it’s okay to be human. You earn people’s respect by being helpful, not forceful. I don’t care if this “once” wasn’t the case. Now it is. Let’s catch up.
