Subtle signs of emotional immaturity + how to deal.
It’s more common than you think!
Some adults are like this toddler inside. They will, of course, deny it.
I got recommended this video (and channel) recently and I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m passing it on in case anyone else needs to watch it. Julia sounds like a legit psychologist from what I can tell. She has videos on how to help emotionally immature people become more mature as well, but I would add a caveat she [probably] forgot: the gentle nudging she demonstrates can work for the autistic, or non-narcissistic people raised in cults, or [insert demographic here that became emotionally immature but isn’t resistant to the idea of working on/improving themselves with your guidance]. It will not work on narcissistic people, whether or not they have the disorder, if someone displays any narcissistic traits, chances are you’ll be wasting your time on them. So, beware.
The second caveat goes to under 25: if you’re dealing with someone under 25, chances are their brain isn’t fully developed. I won’t even talk about ACTUAL toddlers! Please have common sense, there are age brackets where emotional immaturity is normal and expected.
Keeping these caveats in mind, do explore her other videos. They’re good.
So, emotional immaturity is quite common in the world. It can happen due to wildly different factors, ranging from simple environmental influences, to dangerous personality disorders, and everything in between. So, let’s not generalise the “why” — but let’s at the same time keep in mind that it can be caused by personality disorders, so don’t assume everyone can be saved, and please protect yourself just in case.
You don’t need to play the healer and try saving everyone who is emotionally immature — in fact, I’d risk saying most “healers” out there are emotionally immature themselves: they look around, see they aren’t getting their way in most interactions, and instead of introspecting, simply assume other people must be the problem; Other people must be less evolved and less wise [and insert noble quality here] than them; They must be special and misunderstood; Awwwww, poor misunderstood starseeds! (Or whatever the trendy term is when you read this). Yeah, beware. Don’t fall for that.
Dealing with emotional immaturity in yourself
This is simple (but not easy). All it takes is getting honest.
Yes, get honest with yourself.
There’s no need to tell anybody else. Nobody needs to know you’re feeling jealous of that friend and that’s why you felt like impulsively “putting her on her place” (but it was uncalled for, and out of a sudden, and if you get really, really really honest with yourself, you’ll see that). Nobody needs to know you’re having a strong emotional trigger at the sight of a big responsibility you were entrusted with, which is why you felt like impulsively procrastinating instead of asking for help (because maybe asking for help would make you feel inferior or ashamed or shy or whatever it is — but if you get really really really honest with yourself, you’ll see that). Do you see what I mean? The realisation of our own internal states, our own triggers, our own big feelings, can bring about shame and a lot of vulnerability. But here’s some comfort: you can introspect without letting anybody know! And in that case, nobody will add to that shame, because they don’t know. Right? We all have the capacity for this kind of introspection, it’s not rocket science, and there’s no need to “brave it” and show the world your painful process.
But it’s necessary to go through the process. It’s necessary to, I’ll repeat it again, get really really really honest with yourself. It’s not just “honest” on a surface level. It’s not just “oh, there’s this issue, maybe it’s because of this, maybe it’s because of that, ok bye”. No. Go deeper. Find the ONE EXACT reason even if it’s shameful, even if it hurts, even if it makes you feel foolish.
Otherwise, you won’t grow up emotionally. Do you want to grow up emotionally? Well, there are no shortcuts.
Once you realise your “stuff” behind the socially acceptable excuses, what it REALLY is… It will become easier to spot when others are reacting because of similar “stuff” in themselves; And you’ll notice that you’re not alone. It’s not just you being foolish, or shameful, or whatever. A lot of people are being all of these things too! It will feel like this:
“Oh but this is a teenage movie, how stupid”, maybe you’re thinking. Oh yeah? You’ve never behaved like a teenager in an adult body recently? Are you sure about that?
I’m writing a lighthearted teenage comedy inspired by Queen Bees and Wannabes (the book Mean Girls is based on), and let me tell you, it’s about adults in my life, as well as mishaps by my own adult self. It has ZERO references to my teenage years. Just let that sink in.
Anyway. This ultimate realisation, that you’re not alone and you’re not actually much worse than everybody else around you, can bring about even more comfort, and more motivation to keep tackling your issues, so that you’ll stop “dropping them” onto other people like a hot potato; And it will be easier to notice when they’re doing the exact same to you, so that you can say (metaphorically of course), “hey, not on my lap! No hot potatoes here, no thank you. I have my own”.
Dealing with emotional immaturity in others
Every time you complete the process above, you’ll see your non-issues. That is, things you could swear to god were your defects and you had to work on fixing them… But actually, they were just other people’s stuff projected onto you. They weren’t yours. You’re actually ok.
That’s when tackling emotional immaturity gets harder, because in this case you’re not dealing with yours, you’re dealing with somebody else’s — it’s just that this other person HASN’T done the work on themselves, so they remain blind to their own “stuff”, and that’s why they drop it onto you.
So… let’s unpack what exactly I meant by “no thank you, no hot potatoes on my lap, I have my own already”.
Here’s a silly example:
Recently, a person in her 50s I was casually talking to online DMed me on one of my social networks about a video I posted of a local Christian choir. She didn’t give it a like or a comment in public, nope, nothing. Just the DM about it. The first words were:
“Hey, is this during mass? Or just a choir in a church?”
I replied, “it was a local series of concerts held in a church”.
Some time went by. I nearly forgot about it. The same person came back to the DMs:
“Lucy, are you Catholic?”
I replied, “nope. Why do you ask?” and waited a day or so for the next reply. It came eventually:
“Oh, it’s because I think religions are all cult-like and curb our freedom for growth and learning”.
I read it wide-eyed, thinking to myself, “wow, that’s a hot take. It came out of nowhere”. But before I could fully reason, she sent another question.
“Are you sure you haven’t ever been Catholic? Oh, or Protestant maybe?”
That’s when I realised she was trying to get away with provoking me (she knows, not only from the other things I post, but also from previous interactions, the answer to those questions already). So, I told her “no”, and added that I wholeheartedly disagree with her generalisation and criticism of religion; who am I to know what’s best for the people who choose to be religious? And I reserve the right to go wherever I want, watch, record, and share whatever performances catch my fancy regardless of who is in them or what religion they’re in. I said she was being very rigid in her thinking, in case this conversation really was about reprimanding me for posting something “out of character”.
Predictably, she backpedalled. She denied being judgemental and added that she herself used to be in a church choir and it’s loads of fun, well done to the people I depicted; And “sorry if I bothered you”.
I didn’t reply anymore. And I won’t reply to her from now on, it doesn’t matter what she says or what it’s about.
Now… do you want to know why? Let’s take a look at my thought process during this interaction.
First, let’s consider the medium. We’re talking about an online conversation within a social media platform. There are functions such as likes, shares, and public comments, which only exist in social media. You can’t do any of that in person; But with social media, you have the option, and your choice says something about what didn’t say with words in private. That’s the interesting bit: let’s recap a detail here, the person didn’t like, share, comment or interact with my post in any way. She just went straight to the DM. What does that say about her? — My own interpretation is that she wanted clarification about something before “committing” to interacting with my content, if that makes sense. So, we can rule out instant approval or instant identification with said content (and therefore, we can pretty much establish without a considerable margin of error here that she was lying about having been in a choir or approving of it. Lying to save face in the moment, but panicking inside, probably).
Note that I’m not saying “if you don’t like or interact with a post, you don’t approve of it”. Let’s not be obtuse. I’m saying if you don’t do that, but proceed to DM someone about the same post, we can rule out mundane hypotheses like “oh, I just didn’t see it” or “oh, I just don’t care about it”. Right? How could you possibly not see or not care about something, and then talk about it? That’s a contradiction. Nobody approaches anyone in private with this interviewer-like tone asking questions out of nowhere “because they didn’t care about the subject”. Come on. Nobody here was born yesterday. Let’s put our braincells to work.
Secondly, I did give this person some grace when she first asked, “are you Catholic” — it could mean many different things, including, “did you just suddenly convert to Catholicism and that’s why you went to mass?” — A bit intrusive, because if I ever did that, why wouldn’t I announce or post about it? But plausible nonetheless. However, she went on. And on. And on. She wanted some kind of emotive reaction out of me, probably something like, “oh, shoot! I’m being very inconsistent here, I apologise. I’ll stick to my usual content from now on”. This indicates emotional immaturity, because, let’s recap: emotionally immature people (regardless of WHY they’re immature) project their “stuff” onto others. What is this person’s stuff? Easy: she hates religious organisations. It triggers her to see any content related to that. But she’s trying to make me responsible for her trigger, instead of just unfollowing me because I posted something that, to her, is triggering. That’s projection. Perhaps in her understanding, she feels a certain way, therefore I should babysit her (because she lacks the ability to self-regulate, or in other words, babysit her own inner child).
The cherry on the cake is that she probably thinks “how come” anyone DOESN’T have a trigger with religious organisations and ISN’T a member of these organisations? Again, a projection. It’s her trigger. But it’s shameful and silly to admit it to herself, isn’t it? So, she “pretends” that I “should” have it too. I should agree with her, and therefore it’s outrageous of me to be so friendly with Catholic people, and therefore I must have lied to her or hidden that I was secretly a Christain all along. Otherwise… She’d have to admit to herself that, “well… This is a humbling experience right here! Look, Lucy is the kind of person who has achieved what I still haven’t: she’s at peace with the existence of religions in the world. She probably overcame her own trauma, or doesn’t have one to begin with. Oh, no. That makes me feel inferior. And shameful, and silly, and all of that bad stuff. No. I don’t wanna go there. I’ll opt for projecting and dragging her down to my own pit of misery and pain instead”.
See what I mean?
If this person was emotionally mature, she would have a variety of different options here: firstly, as I said, unfollowing me. Why does unfollowing somebody require emotional maturity? Don’t you just press a button? Well, yes, but emotionally it isn’t so simple. First of all, it requires ADMITTING that you have a trigger, being gentle enough on yourself to know that you don’t need this trigger right now, and having patience and faith that you’ll eventually overcome this trigger, but now what you need is comfort. Secondly… What if the person you unfollowed acts immature and asks you why? (Yes, me asking her why would be a sign of immaturity on my part, since it would show that I depend on her approval and validation just like a toddler depends on mommy’s validation). But people act immature all the time, so it could happen, right? And if it happens, you need to handle it in a similar way as I did above: not biting the baits, not allowing disrespect, and maintaining clear boundaries.
Another option a mature version of her could have is going through all the process she did (DMing me about the post exactly the way she did), UP UNTIL the point where I lecture her. And then just go silent or say something in acknowledgement — instead of denial. Why would that be mature? Well, let’s consider that maturity doesn’t imply flawlessness. To be mature doesn’t always mean to “not fall for” things like projection and bossiness. We’re human. We make mistakes. Maturity is in recognising that, oopsie, I made a mistake, thanks for pointing it out, I’ll do better next time.
Finally, why won’t I reply to this person anymore? Am I just heartless?
Well, no, not necessarily. There are 2 reasons why. First of all, I can tell she was trying to save face, and I’m not a big fan of going the humiliation route. I think it’s best to give people time to reflect instead of “demanding” instant acknowledgement that I wasn’t wrong. I’m not a narcissist to need that, after all. Secondly, the way she handled the whole thing tells me that she isn’t ready for connection with me. She’ll just keep on being immature and throwing all the emotional labour at me like an entitled brat. Could she learn and evolve with time? Sure. But for now, that is who she is. And I’m not interested.
I know this post sounds like a big piece of gossip, but I wanted to give you an anonymised example to make understanding easier. Love it or hate it, it is what it is. Let’s be mature about it? ;)
