The best remedy for envy…
…will surprise you.
When you think of envious people, perhaps you’re reminded of the petty and jealous who try to hijack your success out of spite; Or maybe you think of yourself, those moments in your life when you longed for what others have.
Now, I’m not saying the above is wrong, but here is one thought I bet hasn’t crossed your mind yet: the envious wear rose-tinted glasses.
It sounds like a paradox, doesn’t it? “Lucy, are you out of your mind? How could an envious person ever be optimistic?” It’s counterintuitive, for sure, but it’s true nonetheless. And don’t get me wrong, I am not against optimism. I’m just frowning at the excess of it.
Back in my birth country (I have no hard feelings against it, but I just couldn’t consider it “home” for a lot of reasons; for instance, how scary and sad was my childhood, or how my parents isolated me from the wider community around us. A tangent for another post), people have a saying, and I love how wise it is: “everyone sees the beers I drink but nobody sees me tripping along the way”. Something along those lines. It’s not in English, but I hope I captured its tongue-in-cheek character.
Essentially, the saying is reminding us how people have a tendency to think good things simply fall from the sky and are received by a lucky few; In fact, however, reality is quite the opposite: hard work matters, and the journey to get to that place where you’ll find exquisite “tasty” rewards is often messy — but we choose to ignore that, and just fixate on people’s results.
I’m not gonna get into the merit of social inequalities here, although it matters a lot, because that would derail the post. This video offers interesting insight (although it’s not easy watching, be warned) into “that side” of envy — because, yes, whether we love it or hate it, the fight for social justice is VERY fertile ground for envy and envious people. We should monitor this internal problem more closely instead of turning a blind eye to it (and I say that as a very left-leaning person, make no mistake). The difference between fighting for equality VS becoming the oppressor we’re fighting against lies EXACTLY in identifying, addressing, and responding to envy. But I think that was enough of a tangent, back on topic:
Another useful metaphor to better understand how envious people are excessively optimistic is ballet. What does the audience see? Beautiful, elegant ladies dancing en pointe to classical music. What does THE BALLERINA see? Blisters, bunions and a lot of pain.
And no, it’s not “deceitful” of ballerinas to hide the pain. They’re entertaining us, putting up a show, bringing smiles to people’s faces. If they were to disturb us all with the full-blown reality of what it means to exercise that much, it would no longer be a pleasant image to look at. In fact, if everything in the world were to be taken at face value, uncut, uncensored, with all the messy bits and pieces exposed, we’d all be miserable. So, I’m sorry, but certain things need to stay behind the scenes. They don’t stop existing just because they’re behind the scenes. It’s just that there’s a time and a place…
The same is true with more abstract scenarios, like everyone’s favourite scapegoat today, big bad Social Media. It’s like that very word sends shivers down some people’s spines. I disagree that “social media encourages envy” though. It doesn’t. WE feed our own envy. Stop looking for scapegoats. Take the goddamn responsibility for your own goddamn feelings. Seriously, the world doesn’t owe you peace of mind. YOU must move a finger to achieve your own peace of mind. You’re not a baby people need to coddle. Grow up.
(If you’re new here, yes I’m always “like that”. I’m a bit of a warrior)
Social media is just a show, a beautiful parade of staged pictures and easy-watching escapism. SO FUCKING WHAT? So is ballet. So is music. So is cinema and TV and circus and you-name-it. Those other examples are simply older, centuries older than social media perhaps, but they’re all the same kind of necessary escapism. Yes, you read that right: necessary. Because if there wasn’t a human need for it, it would never become popular all over the world.
The problem isn’t how unreal these things are. The problem is that the chronically envious people — unlike healthy people — somehow believe in instant gratification; all gain and no pain; “what I see is what exists; nothing is hidden or implied”. They’re immature (and shall I say naive) enough to take the world at face value, without considering that some things take effort and other things are illusions. OF COURSE that is going to disappoint them, of course it will make them feel like life is unfair. It’s misguided though.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m super in favour of transparency. You don’t need to show the behind-the-scenes everywhere; BUT IF PEOPLE ASK, you must be truthful. So in that aspect, yes, there are problems with many so-called “influencers” lying that they naturally look like that or whatever. People should be more like ballerinas and say “yeah the journey is painful and fucked up. Here’s reality” when prompted. But again, that’s a tangent. It does not invalidate my point: it’s not the medium. It’s the bad apples. If this medium stopped existing, they would simply migrate somewhere else.
I guess ultimately, certain people are simply deceitful and disingenuous, and you just gotta live with that. Block them, avoid them, do what it takes to maintain your peace of mind. Don’t just hold onto the hope that they “should” this or “should” that, because ultimately that’s not reality. And ultimately, not everyone is going to comply with your idealised vision for the world. If you’re a total saint, great; Not everyone is, though. And it’s naive (not to mention dangerous) to ignore that, or to forget a defense against that.
There are levels to envy. Sometimes it’s a thing we can’t help, but I’ll bet you any money now: WHEN envy is a thing we can’t help, it’s NOT extreme. And that kind of “normal” envy is easy to manage anyway, so why bother worrying about it. I get it all the time when I look at people who have achieved what I’m still working towards, I’m like “wow I wish I was there”. Sometimes I avoid looking, because, ya know, envy. It’s normal. It happens. But when you feed this envy to the point of obsession, maybe it’s time to take a step back and remind yourself that you do, in fact, have some responsibility of your own.
I’ll even risk saying that it’s impossible to succumb to envy when you’re already doing all you can to achieve what you want. Sure, bad luck happens, and social inequalities happen too, but these are parallel problems — worth addressing, but deep down they have nothing to do with your OWN responsibility. There’s a big difference here.
The envious (we all feel normal envy. What I mean is the chronically, excessively envious) are just naive and immature. They’re only seeing the good stuff, whilst ignoring prices. They’re excessively optimistic in relation to others. Nobody is, in fact, perfect. What looks perfect is usually just a show. Look behind the scenes: you’ll find effort, or a magic trick, or dishonesty and oppression. But regardless, there’s ALWAYS a price. Don’t let optimism blind you to that.
