The inconvenient truth about consent.
Do not take the word “inconvenient” lightly. I’m warning you. What I’m saying here is very difficult to digest, and even more difficult to admit. It’s shadow work. If you don’t want heavy shadow work, don’t read it.
Another caveat (DO NOT SKIP THIS, if you get mad at me because you didn’t read this caveat I’ll delete your comment) — I am not, under any circumstance, at all at all, talking about childhood trauma or anything from childhood. Children are innocent. They do not yet know how to “create their own reality”. They need to grow up before they learn that, and therefore, traumatic shit that happens to them is completely uncalled for. Thank you. This entire article is about traumas suffered in adulthood that reinforce a pattern of “more of the same”. Okay? Okay, then.
So… whether or not you believe in a law of attraction (I don’t fully, I believe in something similar myself but not the entirety of what people are preaching), chances are you can agree with the idea of subconscious reinforcement. Or, in other words, you can agree that most people subconsciously choose to keep in their lives people, places, and events that evoke a familiar feeling. There’s nothing mystical to that — it’s just our good old pattern recognition bias: “Oh, I’m afraid of the unknown, so I’ll keep in my life this familiar feature here even if it’s hurting me because at least I can be right about it. I can feel like I understand it. I can reassure myself that I already know it”.
Nobody says that out loud, but if our subconscious minds could speak, you’d be surprised.
…And why did I exclude children from that paradigm? Simple: children are blank slates. They’re like sponges, they absorb everything they see because their whole world feels “new” to them. This implies that children can’t be biased. They have no choice but to be open-minded. So, how could they possibly attract more of the same into their lives? What is “the same”? In relation to what? EVERYTHING is new to them!
Let’s also pay special attention to the word “subconscious”. It’s not the same as the conscious. You can’t address a subconscious belief through a conscious pathway — such as rationalising and “telling yourself verbally” something else, because guess what, these are empty words. You’ll go out into the world and repeat the mistake again.
So… What do we do about subconscious beliefs?
We feel what is inspiring them, stop denying that feeling, allow it to manifest (in a safe place). And then, we let it go.
People who don’t respect consent exist. People who respect consent also exist. The question is: which type do you engage with? And what does that say about your own shadow?
There is nuance here. Let’s not forget that everybody — without exception — have had a situation or two of having to handle an invasive person. That’s why the Me Too movement exists. Not everything is “attracted”, not everything is the result of giving too much grace to evil people.
Let’s also exclude, uh, favourable environments. If you live in a place where the law protects the aggressor (any kind of invasive, aggressive behaviour — not just sexual), OBVIOUSLY you’re in greater danger of being on the receiving end of it. It’s a horrible fact we shouldn’t forget. I’m talking about people who live in freer parts of the world.
So… As we already saw, one or two incidents can be coincidental. However, if it’s a theme in your life, maybe this article is for you. Let’s look for frequency, above all else.
And when I talk about frequency, I’m including all kinds of invasiveness into it. All kinds of “disrespecting someone’s boundaries and consent”. Even things you might habitually do and “think little of it”, like manipulation and aggressive debates. Triangulating and playing puppets with people. Misquoting people, putting words in their mouths to make them look a certain way. Frequently gossiping, making smear campaigns. Enabling or having fun watching any of that. Etc. If you think about these behaviours, they’re all non-consensual (or did any of the victims ASK you or whoever you’re watching to do it? I don’t think so, yes? You can justify, “oh but I needed to, oh but there was a reason, oh but this oh but that”- Stop right there. Justifications aside… DID THEY FUCKING ASK? NO THEY DID NOT. Period).
100% of my female friends and acquaintances have had a bad experience with men being invasive — ranging from slight inconvenience to full-blown aggression — which is an unfortunate side-effect of living in a patriarchal world. They all have stories of weirdos trying to get into a relationship with them. Myself included. Some women reject or find a way to avoid them straight away (I’m in that group). Other women fall for it, but soon break up or seek separation/justice some other way (the second healthiest).
A third group of women are those who will tell a story about a series of long-lasting invasive relationships, sprinkled with the best excuses they can muster.
I’m not in the mood for discussing whether or not trauma bonds are bigger and more powerful than us.
The fact — whether you admit it or run away from it, and that’s ultimately your choice — is that if you’re allowing for the same old trauma bond to form over and over… Maybe there’s a reason why.
Each person will have their own reason, but the common theme tends to be: “I dislike invasiveness in others, but can’t help enabling it because if I didn’t enable it, I would be going against something in myself which exists even though I don’t want to acknowledge it”.
We project, right? We see our shadows in other people. Okay, they can very well be real… But let’s not forget they’re also real within us. Jung explains.
The first step to healing anything is acknowledging it.
A woman I used to be friends with — let’s call her Dolores — would go on and on about her latest relationship, telling me how much of a dimwit he was, and how he would talk at her all the time, feel entitled to sex, try to persuade her of outrageous and radical political ideas, etc. Oh, but she didn’t dump him, and instead endured that for years, because “she couldn’t let it slide”. Translation: she is the kind of person who feels a need to “be right” at all costs. She wants to preach what she believes onto others, and won’t relax until she has been victorious and changed somebody’s mind. She feels the need to correct people, influence their choices, be constantly on the defensive, lecture them if they misbehave, etc.
What would Dolores do without a man to be on the receiving end of all that?
“Oh but her ideas are objectively healthier than his, oh but he needed to be taught a lesson, oh but this oh but that”.
What did I say about justifications?
The Universe won’t distinguish between who convinced whom with rational stuff like words and mind games. It will just deliver you more of the same energy. And [here is the important part!] you’re free to latch onto this “same energy”… Or let it go. But if you have an unresolved shadow there, you won’t let it go.
It doesn’t matter who thinks what or who ends up thinking what after a conflict. If your final objective is to live your life in peace, you exit. On the other hand, if your final objective is to always be victorious… Well… I guess you’ll keep looking for wars to make that happen.
Needless to say, Dolores is no longer my friend. I didn’t really challenge her judgement of the last relationship (that’s what she wanted I’m sure — another conflict, this time coming from me). Instead, we parted ways because she started acting invasive against me, subtly, but it didn’t go unnoticed. Anything I told her, she’d find a way to correct it or find a spelling mistake; Anything I did, she’d find a way to suggest me “a better approach I could try”. All uncalled for. Not deal-breakers, but really, when the pattern starts, you know there will be no end to it. I cut it short.
And neither am I still friends with other women who behaved similarly before her, who had that smothering, “too-much” sort of attitude to life. Women who are not looking for a partner to cherish life with, but a [metaphoric] son to bring up and educate.
Take as long as you need to digest that one.
You see… I don’t have a pattern of invasive fuckboys in my life. I rejected all of the few outliers straight away — and I don’t signal to people that I’m a-okay with non-consensual, invasive, manipulative, or “I said yes but meant no, I said this but meant this other thing, I said X but left a world of detail dubious and nebulous in between the lines”… kind of complicated and “frilly” behaviour. That is probably why I don’t attract too many more invasive men that I’d even have to deal with. So… When I say I cut ties with women who are invasive, that also ends up affecting the men that stay in my circles. The Universe doesn’t wanna know if it’s a woman or a man or any gender, aye? It’s just mirroring the energy I put into my interactions.
That’s because I couldn’t care less about sugarcoating or “dressing up” my messages so they’ll go down easier on the people who might need them but are too complicated and too hot-and-cold, and “I want it but uhhh I don’t really want it but uhhh I don’t know I’m on the fence” etc. I don’t have patience for ANY of that! If somebody is avoidant but not fully saying “no” but not fully saying “yes” and complicated like that… *insert eyeroll* Okay, that’s it, hasta la vista. Come back when you’ve made-up your mind. Why should it be ME making up anyone’s mind?
A lot of women who attract patterns of invasiveness into their lives believe deep down that they’re responsible for making up other people’s minds — or worse: that they’re entitled to having the other person read between the lines what they didn’t say.
That’s the feminine side of the toxic “alpha male”. Can’t you see it? The manipulation. The deception. It’s also trying hard to win the other one over, preferably in the most victorious and battle-worthy way possible. It’s just covert, but it’s the other side of the same coin. A battle is a battle is a battle — it doesn’t matter if it’s fought with physical violence or manipulation dressed-up as concern.
We do not need to bring up fully-grown adults. We do not need to educate already educated adults. If we disagree with their education, why not just say goodbye to them? Why this need to always be in control of what other people think and do?
Isn’t that invasive? Isn’t that non-consensual?
If in the end, what you bring to the table is objectively better, the truth will find its way. Trust the gods for that, or whatever you believe. It’s not your place, as a mere human, to make that final judgement.
Instead, maybe it’s a good idea to associate with people who DO have synergy with you. That is, of course, just a freely given suggestion. If you don’t take it, all is good anyway, and you’re welcome back here anytime.
