There is normal envy, and then… There’s also narcissistic envy. Know the difference.
Pills of wisdom #10
I just made an interesting discovery.
When we think of envy as a common phenomenon, we’re thinking of a specific kind of envy: the one that is borne out of competition. It’s everywhere, isn’t it? From social media, to sporting events, to Academia, and the list goes on. Human beings are highly manipulable into competing against each other for some sort of prize. It’s a tale as old as time.
That said… the above is NOT what narcissists display. Their flavour of envy is more unique, and it’s rooted in self-suppression.
Here’s the thing: the majority of the population doesn’t walk around displaying a false self. They’re not narcissists. So, they’re not gonna envy people left, right, and centre. They’re only gonna envy people who did, in fact, win a contest or prize or some sort of measurable advantage over others.
You do it. I do it. It’s common. There’s no need to beat ourselves up, just keep it under control.
With narcissists, though, things get more bizarre: they envy anyone and everyone who displays a real self. It doesn’t matter if the person won anything! It doesn’t matter if the person even got anywhere! The mere fact they’re thinking, feeling, speaking, and behaving from a place of authenticity is enough to trigger a narcissist’s envy. It goes far beyond the normal envy we all know.
That’s because, when you operate from a place of authenticity, you have the courage and the boldness to go out into the world and pursue the goals, hobbies, philosophies and lessons you feel naturally drawn to. On the other hand, a narcissist would never allow themselves to do that because they must maintain the facade of “already perfect, already spotless, already flawless”.
This is why narcissists try to sabotage you, even where they don’t want to compete with you.
They can’t stand to see you EXIST in the world displaying all the personal freedom they “had” to let go of in order to maintain their carefully crafted mask.
Think about it. Normal people don’t do that.
If you’re dealing with someone who is not narcissistic, and you show them, I don’t know, let’s suppose you took up singing lessons, well… They might say, “nice, good luck with it”, or give a dismissive response, or have a variety of different opinions on it (depending on their personality). But you know what they WOULDN’T do?
A normal person WOULDN’T say or imply, “oh, look at you there! All high and mighty thinking you’re the next Maria Callas. Excuse me, maybe I’m too much of a mere peasant in comparison”. (Or you choose the wording — with the central idea of “future faking” a scenario where you’re ALREADY a world-class singer just because you’re starting to learn the skill right now).
Crazy, isn’t it?
They’re not envying the present you that exists for sure here and now. They’re envying a hypothetical fictional character that bears your face some time in the future and already “humiliated” them. It only exists inside their fertile imagination! But they can’t help it.
They can’t help it, because — perhaps unbeknownst to them, like in a shadow reaction sort of way — they’re FULLY AWARE that you stand a chance at succeeding, whereas they don’t. And why is that? Well, of course, because you’re trying. And they’re not.
In order to succeed, you need to first try. If you don’t try, you’re guaranteed to fail. Their unconscious knows that. But they’re not willing to bring this “knowing” to surface because that would require healing from everything that makes them a narcissist. That would require admitting that their “already perfect, already spotless, already flawless” facade is a lie, nobody is any of those things, but they prefer that to the emotional discomfort that comes from trial and error in the world.
So, to put it shortly: normal people envy results. Narcissists envy results AND potentials.
(And yes, my use of “normal” is on purpose. I think pathological narcissism is abnormal. It shouldn’t exist. Every single narcissist forces it into existence and perpetuates it by force because of excessive pride and egotism. So, don’t lecture me on that, I don’t have empathy for narcissists and you can shove your crocodile tears you-know-where).
So, no, narcissists aren’t always competing with you. Sometimes, all they want is to cut your wings and destroy your hopes and dreams, just so your presence in their lives won’t be a constant reminder of what they’re running away from.
