We need feminism because women are still TO THIS DAY forced to pick their battles.

Sex positivity or being taken seriously? Normalising the hustle or allowing us to live stress-free? Civilised and part of your world or nature-loving and impulsive?

Lucy the Oracle
7 min readOct 21, 2023
Photo by Umid Akbarov on Unsplash

Firstly, it’s wise to keep in mind that I didn’t say or imply men don’t have to pick their battles too — although I’m pretty sure some would jump to that conclusion, but hey, there’s only so much I can say in a title without making it massive. Hence, here is a necessary note: picking our battles is part of life, if you think about it. I don’t think we should completely turn our backs to that idea. Instead, what I propose is that we, perhaps, by chance, if it wouldn’t be too much to ask… STOP making women pick their battles regarding their very existence in the world. Because that’s the problem I came here today to highlight. It isn’t “just any” kind of battle-picking.

If you’re a woman (and yes, that includes trans. Why wouldn’t it?), I’m pretty sure you have wrestled with one or more of the following tough decisions:

Should I exist in the world as a comedian OR allow myself to pursue conventional beauty?

Meanwhile, comedian MEN can be as hot as they want to be, and present themselves as desirable and put-together if they so choose. This does not take away from how funny (and therefore, successful at the job) they’re perceived to be by the general public, who is probably focusing more on what they have to say instead of their visual first impressions. It’s a well-known, age-old fact that women comedians must look like clowns, or else they’re just labeled “bitchy”, “sassy” etc and elicit anger and antagonism instead of laughs and ridicule.

Should I exist in the world as a sex-positive uninhibited woman OR allow myself to show the world I also exist in Academia?

Meanwhile, MEN are free to explore their sexuality without keeping it a secret and at the same time retain the respect from the general public in case they work a white collar job. When women do that, on the other hand… Well… Let’s just say the movie Legally Blonde explores that problem pretty well. (It plays more specifically with the “shallow” trope, but there are very clear sexually uninhibited — albeit “vanilla” — connotations if you dig a little deeper).

Should I exist in the world modestly, OR allow myself to be perceived as non-religious and non-lesbian?

This is not to hate on religious women or women who feel attracted to other women (hey, I’m religions and bi. Tell me about it). I’m just drawing attention to a stereotype that EXISTS and I don’t really agree with. There’s no denial that we are hypersexualised in the world, to the point that even women who are not trying to draw attention to their sexual openness are still objectified. I mean… When you look at a woman who dresses modestly (and by the way, this has NOTHING to do with hijab. Hijab is a very specific kind of dress we all KNOW belongs to a religious community — what I mean is, instead: just your plain regular overall coats, shapeless dresses and other non-body-hugging garments), she is perceived as one of the following: 1) a religious prude, 2) a loser with no fashion style, 3) a precocious woman who feels older than she really is OR an idiot with Peter Pan syndrome, or 4) a lesbian because… Who knows? I’ll never understand that one. And we can BE those things, it’s ok, but we’re not necessarily so. Why can’t we just perceive these women as… Serious adults? Uninterested in sexy stuff? Intellectuals who have little time for play? Because that’s exactly what we think of modest MEN. Would you give Einstein a makeover? Would you? Look into my eyes and tell me you would. I dare you. The fact that some intellectual men do care about their looks is beyond the point; You don’t feel an urge to correct the ones who don’t. Meanwhile, women can’t be too Legally Blonde or too Ugly Betty. There’s a very clear box they need to fit into for society to leave them alone. And I think that’s patriarchal bullshit. I don’t blame the women who do try to fit into this box. They’re exhausted. They deserve peace, and that’s the only way they can get it. I blame patriarchy.

Should I exist in the world as a spiritualistic professional OR allow myself to feel and express my anger (and any intense emotion, since we’re at it)?

I get it. Not every woman (and not every person, generally) whose life revolves around spirituality HAS strong emotions to express. That’s fine. Problem is… the ones whose nature is a bit more savage and unruly are left out by the public judgement. It creates, again, an either-or scenario for them. There’s no such thing, in the public eye, as “a short-tempered nun”; “a playful shamaness”, “a witch who easily cries”, and the list goes on. Those become wannabes and laughing stocks, and even their own community is inclined to stop taking them seriously. Apparently, religious/spiritual women should be plainer and more bland than a motherfucking bowl of cereal pasteurised out of every semblance of taste. Actually, forget the naturally calm and collected: EVEN THEY fall short of the unattainable gold standard. That’s probably because religious/spiritual people deal with the abstract and occult. They’re not the most materialistic people out there. And for a woman to fall into that category, well, too bad, she doesn’t by her very nature, because society has decided that every woman is a piece of meat, I guess. Every semblance of humanity or emotionality expressed by a woman automatically cancels out the idea of her pursuit of a relationship with god(s). Meanwhile, male saints are slaying dragons to their heart’s content.

Photo by Eric Prouzet on Unsplash

“But Lucy, all you have to do is swim against the tide on every one of these stereotypes”

Sure… Because that’s a perfectly reasonable thing to expect of a person who is already tired of getting held back by a zillion sources of societal pressure from every side.

“Yesterday me” would probably say I’m not taking this personally, because I’m not the only victim of the phenomenon I described; But I’ve grown a bit older now, and changed my mind. Now I say: actually, yes, I am taking this personally. I take this personally for myself, and I take this personally for every other woman who is on the same boat. I ache for me and for all of them, and I am willing to step up and scream at the top of my lungs because of it. With all due respect to the women who choose more agreeable and diplomatic avenues (nonetheless valid) for their resistance; I beg to differ.

I have chosen my battle because I’m only human and I too have a limit; Which doesn’t mean I can’t acknowledge the ironic predicament we’re in. I choose to fight tooth-and-nail for my right to freely express emotion, AND AT THE SAME TIME be a priestess worthy of respect. This is where I am choosing to deviate from the norm, and educate people one-by-one on the validity of my choice so that they, too, can follow suit. This is the battle I pick, and the one I am willing to spend my energy on — all of my energy, if needs be.

This is why you won’t see me actively participating in the sex liberation movement within feminism, for example. It isn’t that I’m a prude — I simply don’t have enough energy, on my own, to withstand BOTH sources of conformity pressure (the pressure to be a prude IF I’m spiritual; therefore, being sexually free in the public eye will have consequences; And the pressure to be bland and emotionless if I’m spiritual, which brings even more draconic consequences if I push back against it). Resisting every wave of patriarchal toxicity looks great on paper, but you’d need a superhuman heroine, or demigodess, for that to ever become a feasible reality. I’m only human, and so are you.

The system is designed in such a way that only intersectionality, with each group doing their own job, has a hope of taking it down. Unfortunately, a lot of people fall for the trap of in-fighting, because when you look at your neighbouring feminist group on a surface level, it “looks like” they’re not caring enough about yours. Deep down, in truth, we all need each other.

Aiming at complete and utter self-sufficiency, trying to address every single one of the stereotypes that weigh down on women on your own (or even with a single movement), is futile. It’s just like showing someone a mess and stubbornly insisting that they should look at it with clarity and focus. Nobody can! A mess is a mess. It has multiple focus points, and collectively they weaken each other’s impact on the bigger picture.

This is why it’s so important that we stop making assumptions about our sisters without getting to know them for real — even the ones we perhaps don’t fully understand.

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Lucy the Oracle
Lucy the Oracle

Written by Lucy the Oracle

Oracle learner / spirit worker based in Ireland. Buddhist/polytheist. I don't read minds. I don't change minds. I don't sugarcoat. Take my message or leave it.

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