I originally posted this to Instagram (go follow me there @lucy_the_oracle ) but I’ve come to realise it’s enough of a PSA to be relevant here too. I’ll even elaborate some more below.
So, here goes the mini-article:
When people, systems, corporations, governments etc lack accountability... or apply "malicious compliance" in the face of a trial (ie, doing the very bare minimum in reparation; finding a snarky and passive-aggressive way to evade punishment because "oh, nobody said I couldn’t offer THIS symbolic act which doesn’t even begin to address what I did wrong but pretends to be me collaborating now")... what could be behind that?
I'll tell you what: fear of shame. Well, not a fear, a phobia. It's more severe than just a fear.
Fear of shame is always, always, always hidden underneath people’s humongous efforts (to ridiculous extents sometimes!) to escape accountability. Because here’s the thing: if they were REALLY intent on escaping judgement altogether, they wouldn’t have agreed to a half-arsed, middle-of-the-way symbolic retribution which reeks of passive-aggression.
For example, when a subscription service overcharges a customer, this customer complains, and they decide to "cancel the subscription as reparation, so that you won’t be charged anymore" that’s passive-aggressively avoiding accountability because in no way or moment was a cancellation requested. The only thing the customer wanted was to signal, "hey, I saw you acting in bad faith! Explain yourself please". And yet... radio silence. Hmmmmmmm interesting.
A less silly and more pressing example is when a government, led by a known racist, starts profiling people for "ID checks" based on the colour of their skin, and when confronted about it, justifies it as "policy". Oh, suuuure, of course, why didn’t we think that before? It’s merely a coincidence that no white people are being detained, despite there being TONS of illegal immigrants whose skin is white. Hmmmmmmmm interesting.
These are evasions of accountability that shouldn't be impossible to pinpoint and make these people pay - but here's the important bit: it takes a lot of time and effort to do so, because passive-aggression relies on the very same ambiguity and dubiousness we'd need to debunk beyond any doubt in order to get any semblance of SATISFACTORY reparation. And the motherfuckers know that. This is why they keep using the same strategy.
If you’re really, really disingenuous… You could even retort that, “isn’t it a happy ending that you got reparation from the dispute with that service provider at all?”, or “isn’t it nice that government officials took their time to reply to and address people’s concerns?” — And the answer to both should be, well, yes… BUT (insert here specific issue that didn’t reeeeeeeally get addressed, but instead swept under the carpet with the half-baked “solution” which you’re now getting forced to swallow and feel somehow grateful for).
And all that… happens because of some people’s phobia of shame. Truly, guys. How ridiculous is that? Oh, no, what am I doing here? Inspiring SHAME by insinuating that something “ridiculous” took place? Oh no! Oh god! Oh life! Ochon! Run to the hills!
Why is shame so scary? I know its extreme iterations can be tyrannical but I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about shame in and of itself. Basic shame. The kind of shame you find out when you’re a toddler and you’re put on “time out”. THAT one. Why are adults so afraid of it? I honestly can’t understand it. If anyone knows, I’m all ears.
All I know is that until AND IF the people who run away from any semblance of shame like the plague start acknowledging, confronting, and healing this fear… They’ll keep creating problems, both on a small and on a bigger scale, for everybody else.
In my personal life, this problem is quite common. Thankfully, not everyone behaves like that against me, but those who do… boy, are they difficult! I used to make a Herculean effort to “help them see” how they were being malicious AND disingenuous (not to mention patronising, condescending, etc etc etc — the deflections never stop at the disingenuous “reparation”, lol)… But recently I’ve decided to stop doing that. Sure, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth, because this kind of situation feels like justice hasn’t been served and/or I was fooled. That’s uncomfortable and unfair. But you know what? I no longer care. From now on, if I point out someone’s wrongdoing (or “shady” doing. Ambiguities galore!) and they respond in THAT childish way… I’ll let life teach them a lesson. My go-to thought now is “oh, so you think you can forever avoid shame around this thing you did which you KNOW is wrong? Okay. Keep trying. One day, when inevitably you’re confronted with it AGAIN by some irony of fate, don’t come running to me for advice. You’ve had your chance to make things TRULY right with me, and wasted it. So, now, you’ll reap what you sow”.
