What do I even want?
This article is proof I don’t have all the answers.
There are days when I need to call myself out and probably laugh in the process. Today is one of these days, and I’m taking you with me because I felt like getting vulnerable.
So… I’ve been lamenting the fact I don’t have believers, in person, in my life (outside this blog, obviously).
I don’t mean oracle believers. That’s very niche. I’m not THAT delusional. What I mean is people with faith. People who believe literally anything. Hell, I’d take a Christian or a Muslim anyday. I don’t care. I just want to see people with faith for a change. I’m tired of the same old atheists. (No offense to them, but yes I am tired. I need variety. I need a breath of fresh air in my circles of acquaintances, ok? I hate stagnation ugh).
So… 5 minutes later, I started saying “yeah but not like that”. I recalled all the fanatics I’ve had the displeasure to meet and kick out of my life almost as fast as they came in. My mind wants to justify it as, “well, but those were impressionable idiots who would fall for any cult. Opposite extreme of the spectrum. I don’t want extremes”, and that’s fair enough, but… is it? In every single case? Are they really what my judgement said or am I generalising?
You see, I’ve come to the conclusion I’m probably just trying to justify my indecision to myself. I haven’t a clue what I want. I give up trying to find my real “want” here. Chances are there is none. Maybe I’m just bored.
I know it feels like I’m dismissing a valid feeling, but… How long do I have to keep feeling it, again? *looks at clock* it’s not like I’m getting anywhere.
I want to move the fuck on. I should just think of other problems to solve and some good things to be grateful for (because balance is good). This situation is getting stale, it doesn’t look like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and I’m wasting time here when I could be spending it with music [or insert list of equally appealing activities].
Maybe some things are just meant to be frustrating, because not every area of life will be satisfying. Maybe I’m Shrodinger’s oracle, lol. I do it because… who knows? I wanna know too. I’m too practical and rational for this, I didn’t ask for this path, it’s great for self-development but god fucking damn it I like getting somewhere with what I do. What is my future, really? Will I keep being a fish out of water? It sure looks like it. Ain’t no signs anything will change unless I cause change by force but I’m sick of that now.
Ah, sure, look… If the deity I work with has plans, I’ll leave him at it. I’m utterly confused, I still think I wasn’t the best person to choose for this, but who am I to question it.
It’s grand. I can’t manifest something I don’t even know how to define. Nobody would. So maybe, I’m supposed to just stay confused. Sometimes, the path ahead is pitch black and there’s nothing we can do.
It is what it is. There are worse things to worry about. Worst case scenario, I’ll just keep this blog going. Expressing this side of me entirely online doesn’t look appealing in the slightest, but… It could be worse. It’s what we’re having for now.
If the Universe knows better, I’m listening.
