When life gives you lemons… You have lemons.
Just lemons. The lemonade is COMPLETELY optional.
In fact, if anyone has the audacity to ask you why the lemons rest untouched, you can cut one of the lemons in half and squeeze it on their face. (Don’t actually do it, feck sake, that’s just a metaphor). It’s YOUR kitchen. You’re free to use your produce or not, and that’s nobody else’s business.
I’m opening my article like this because there is a saying I really hate with a goddamn passion. You probably guessed it. I invite you to hate it together with me (or at the very least, take a good look at the shadow side of this saying and react accordingly) especially if you’re a woman. “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade” can sometimes be a feel-good motivational saying, but more often than not it is a dangerous enabler of gaslighting, conformity, inaction, injustice, and disempowerment for people who do in fact deserve better.
No, by the way, if you’re new to my blog, I am not one of those wholesome feminists. I have a very short temper. You can find me at the front line in the battle against the oppressor, and I’m coming at it completely uncensored. If you’re squeamish, do not subscribe.
I’m sure most of you are reading and nodding. Now, let’s take a bit of a bigger risk and say…
When a person gives you lemons, you don’t need to make lemonade.
Suddenly, it’s harder to agree, isn’t it? Especially so if you’re a woman. Women everywhere (yes, even in the most progressive countries) are socially conditioned to behave like “nice girls”, always so meek, loving and caring, forgiving and soft-spoken, desperately trying to sugarcoat anything less-than-flattering they have to say about literally anyone. It doesn’t matter how much they deserved the uncensored version.
Every kind of revolutionary idea sounds easier to put into practice when it’s targetting the collective. Of course it is! The collective is abstract; impersonal; low risk. Who doesn’t want to look at the collective and say “hey! You bitch! I’m not taking your shite anymore! Improve or I’ll reject you!” A lot of people feel free to make the same kind of heavy-handed comment at the individuals in positions of power, like politicians — after all, they represent the collective.
It’s a very different story to look at a person, especially a person you love and care about, and give the same feedback.
But my god, do some people get on our nerves! Throw the first stone if you never had to suddenly “go to the toilet” when you’re processing the audacity of that friend, lover, or family member.
Oh, but… Chances are they didn’t mean it. Let’s pick our battles, shall we? Let’s let it slide. I can take one hit. And another. And another… Am I still conscious? Oh, haha, it was nothing. Keep them coming. Who am I but a mere pawn in this game of chess. A piece nobody values.
The thing is… if the people “playing” with you consider you a pawn, there’s nothing you can do about it. You can’t change others, can you? No. But here is what you CAN do: you can give them consequences. Oh, so you’re forgetting the pawn? Okay. Wait until it’s the very last piece to complete a check mate. Let’s see if you’ll be forgetting its importance then.
The thing about picking our battles is we keep throwing this phrase about, as if we all had the same priorities, values, and personality. Wouldn’t that be easier? Oh, how easy the world would be! Would we all speak the same language too? What else do you believe? Santa Claus? Dream away… This kind of wishful innocence is very precious.
Hold your horses! I’m not saying we SHOULDN’T pick our battles. What I’m really saying is you pick yours; I’ll pick mine. Maybe some of them will coincide, but not necessarily so.
What do you value over anything else? What are your non-negotiables? Do you know them, or do you just go with whatever other people in your life are deciding FOR you? Adaptability is important, but it should be reserved for your negotiables. The non-negotiables remain sovereign.
Some people don’t care much about diplomatic smiles and sugarcoated comments. I’m one of them. You can go ahead and yell at me or call me names if you want — as long as the actual message you have for me is necessary and useful. Kindness is nice, but its occasional lack won’t be a deal-breaker for me in any kind of relationship because I understand that anger is an emotion we feel and we shouldn’t stigmatise it. I like expressing anger, so why shouldn’t I allow others to express it too? What I don’t like is two-faced behaviour; backstabs; or even, complete disregard and indifference. ANYTHING in excess is bad — even the sugarcoated high-pitch-voice sweetness that some people hold to a high regard.
Conversely, other people are the total opposite: maybe they would rather someone is unhelpful but diplomatic to them, instead of helpful and “uncivilised”. So if you’re giving them constructive feedback, they will only accept it if it comes by means of manipulation and “spoonfuls of sugar to help the medicine go down”. Truth is nice, but its occasional lack won’t be a deal-breaker to them in any kind of relationship because they can deal just fine with learning lessons on their own, without anyone’s so-called “nagging”. “You’re nagging me”, they will say to anyone who says a thing they weren’t expecting. You probably guessed I do not relate to this; but it’s still valid. It means etiquette is a non-negotiable for these people, so if you think it’s important to keep them in your life, give them that.
Now… Would you have THE NERVE to look at one of those people whose non-negotiable is etiquette, and say: “Oh, I understand that guy was rude to you, but why won’t you make a lemonade out of this”? I don’t think you should say that. It’s the person’s right to choose not to adapt to the people who won’t give them the thing they consider most important.
Same with somebody who found out a friend acted mischievous, and decides to lash out. “Oh, I understand that person wasn’t fair with you, but why won’t you make a lemonade out of this”? Bitch, please. I have standards. If they’re too high for you, goodbye. Hasta la vista.
When life gives you lemons… You have lemons. That’s it. Just lemons.
Sure it’s nice to make lemonade sometimes. You can decide that, but if you do, make sure it’s out of your own free will; not because you were shamed or guilt-tripped into doing it. Don’t let anybody tell you that you’re “too high maintenance” if you won’t settle for lemon and want a fruit that is readily edible instead. It can even be citric like lemon — orange is readily edible. So is grapefruit. I love both. But I draw the line at lemon. It’s my line to draw. You go ahead and decide yours.
