When miscommunication becomes a weapon…
7 signs it’s time to “lose” the battle and simply leave.
I’ve had this happen several times in my life. Some journal entries that inspired this article are old as balls; Other ones, more recent. Nonetheless, I think it’s finally time I publish it.
As you may know, I’m dyslexic. I rely on a lot of electronic aids to spell correctly (isn’t technology wonderful?), but dyslexia isn’t only about spelling. It’s also — first and foremost, shall I say — about the way my brain (and other dyslexic brains) order and organise information… So it can affect syntax and order of priority of synonyms in our mental “dictionary”, too. Oh, and order of events in storytelling; And your sense of navigation through a maze (real or metaphoric). That affects a bunch of areas of life, you see. The thing is: As much as dyslexia can be a hindrance for just about anything that is standardised (standardised tests, standardised jargon, standardised rituals, greetings, courtesies and social niceties, and so on)… It is also an advantage for creativity. And I’m not just talking about artistic endeavours.
I’m talking about seeing through people’s bullshit no matter how well they hide it from you and even from themselves.
After all, when your brain* is used to going all sorts of directions, it WILL NOT take the same baits everyone else falls for. Kind of like when you’re navigating a maze, and the neurotypicals all follow the same few patterns, but the one dyslexic in the crowd pays attention to AND ENTERS INTO all the dead-ends — and lo and behold, finds a treasure that other people could also find, if only they deviated from their path a little bit.
This is an add-on to my oracular abilities, without the 6th sense bit.
*I wrote “brain” but I meant “mind”. I was going to correct it, but… nah. Here’s a little taste of what it’s like to have my brain (now it’s correct!) wiring.
Communication can be a challenge, which is why I sometimes give people more grace than I should. Maybe you’re dyslexic too and will relate, but maybe you aren’t, and will relate nonetheless — miscommunication can have many causes! It’s always wise to assess the innocent “oopsie” kind of hypotheses before considering that someone might have an ulterior motive in [intentionally] misunderstanding what you say.
These are (non-exhaustive list)…
- Tiredness / burnout with unrelated things. Anyone who is tired can miscommunicate, and even make gross mistakes at it, and it’s totally innocent.
- Language barrier. If it’s not a native speaker you’re talking to, keep this in mind.
- Brain fog, degenerative illness, temporary illnesses, brain injury.
- Dyslexia, Autism, ADHD, and diversity of brain wiring in general.
- Good old mercury retrograde (aka bad luck, if you’re atheist).
However… This article is about the latter, less likely, scenario. It’s not paranoia, it’s simply going off the beaten track — Since disingenuous miscommunication is less likely to happen, it isn’t discussed very often, so I’m here to do it and cater to the people who need it — I might comment on other causes for miscommunication in the future, but today, allow me to serve you the hot tea.
Signs a person might be weaponising miscommunication:
1) They fixate on one definition for a specific word (allegedly because it’s their preferred jargon), but when you use that word some other day in the context the person asked you, they backpedal and express surprise or dismay at you for “mistaking definitions”. Usually seen in translation clients who want a discount and need a disingenuous excuse to get it. Pro tip for dealing with that: ensure there is a record in writing of when the person first told you what a word should always mean in your communication with them (or which synonym of a concept is to be used “for consistency”).
2) They try to discourage you from taking notes (and give a random excuse). Some do that repeatedly, others try once or twice but eventually stop commenting on your note taking. Pro tip for dealing with that: don’t justify yourself. It’s what the person wants, because they need this “invitation” to start arguing against it to dissuade you. So, don’t say why you’re taking notes. If you want to take notes, do it. No-one can stop you. Taking notes even when unnecessary can also be a test. People who have nothing to fear usually don’t mind it. Unless, of course, you’re having a romantic conversation over a candlelit dinner, lol, in that case put the pen down, geez, what a turn off!
3) Someone is playing devil’s advocate when you’re clearly distraught and the LAST THING you need is to feel ashamed for being upset at a situation. I’m sorry, but 9 times out of 10 when that happens, this person is not acting in your best interest (unless they’re autistic. The autistic do it innocently without realising. But if it’s a neurotypical, beware). Maybe they have an ulterior motive in trying to get you to become submissive, maybe they feel threatened by you and don’t want you to empower yourself against inconsiderate people because if you do, you might shine more than them in a certain professional field; Or whatever the reason (my suggestion of a motive could be way off the mark). The point is, when someone cares about you, they empathise. It doesn’t matter how wrong you are. If they aren’t with you, they’re against you. And in that case, they might as well make friends with the person who wronged you if they support this person so much, and leave you alone, isn’t it?
4) As you may have guessed, the main exception to the above is therapists and other counsellors. They exist to help you reframe situations and acquire a more helpful understanding of the distress in your life. That’s why you’re paying them, right? However, pay attention here: if a therapist reframes something in a pedantic manner, and not in a manner that truly makes you gain more clarity, this is a big flashing red flag.
For example:
Patient: “I felt really awful when he cheated on me by following that other woman on social media”.
[One possible kind of] helpful reframing: hold space for this patient’s feelings, but remind her gently that she should have communicated to her boyfriend what kinds of “attention giving” she personally considers cheating or not cheating. Following on social media isn’t the same as kissing, but if that makes you insecure, that’s valid and should be discussed.
[One possible kind of] pedantic reframing: “oh but this is ridiculous! Who even cares all that much about social media? It’s virtual anyway, that woman doesn’t even know your boyfriend exists”. Technically true, but… Yeah. Frustrating, isn’t it? No relationship is as certain as 1+1=2. It is the patient who is dating the guy, not the therapist. So whose standards prevail? The patient’s. What’s up for discussion here isn’t who is more right or more wrong objectively; It’s who communicated what to their partner, and whether or not trust was broken. Communication and trust are workable, they serve a purpose there, they can serve as a helping hand to sort out couple issues. You know what’s NOT helpful? The dictionary or some other set-in-stone definition of “cheating”. Imagine coming home to your partner and saying “you know what, my therapist told me not to have certain relationship standards because only they know what I should or should not want for myself”. Surreal, isn’t it?
Danger zone. Take many, many steps back if you see this kind of pedantism.
5) They toggle between “big picture” and “small picture” without letting you know which one they’re expecting, then justify their intentional misunderstanding of something you said by claiming you didn’t provide the other perspective (the one you didn’t choose). For example: on one occasion, you give minute details of a situation, and the person accuses you of “obsessive scrutiny” and says you should look at the bigger picture instead. The next time, you’re discussing a similar situation, and provide a big picture perspective… But the person makes a blanket judgement, and when you confront them about it, they say, “oh, but I didn’t know there was complexity. You didn’t provide the details”. There’s no way for you to win, ever. This tends to be weaponised miscommunication. Pro tip: if you notice this pattern, my first suggestion is just excuse yourself and ghost this person. Not worth the hassle. But if you must keep talking because of factors out of your control, start asking “do you want a big picture or a small picture here” before you provide them with any other story of yours.
6) They make too many unwarranted assumptions about what you say, and make sure to tell you about these assumptions straight away. Because assumption-making is something everyone does inside their heads, and that’s not a crime; But this becomes another story entirely when it’s used as a weapon to try and get an angry reaction out of you during a conversation (and use it against you, to accuse you of being irrational). For example, you mention you’re a dog owner, and the person goes like “oh wow, sorry, I didn’t know you hated cats. I was going to invite you over but…” — Silly example, but you get the picture. Pro tip: don’t go on a long outraged monologue, because that’s what they want. Instead, either pretend you didn’t hear the comment (and later on cut contact with this person), or pretend to agree with it and turn the whole thing on its head — “Oh yeah I hate them with a passion because I’m secretly an evil supervillain. Guess my secret’s out now”. This only works if you’re usually a sarcastic person, but it can be fun.
7) Last, but not least (and the most obvious of all), if a person keeps contradicting themselves in writing, with only a few minutes between these conflicting assertions (or sometimes even on the same sentence), it 100% is weaponised miscommunication. This is a covert kind of bullshitting, though, because chances are they are trying to bait you into proving they’re lying to you through screenshots and whatnot. This is what you’d be tempted to do, I bet… But resist the urge. Mention the fact you’re capable of proving they lie, but don’t actually go through the trouble of doing that, because chances are you’re dealing with an attention-seeker. These people feed on the time and attention you might put into trying to “set things straight”, only to derail the conversation again, and again, and again, until you’re too exhausted and they can successfully control you. So what SHOULD you do? Ghost. Straight-up.
In summary, always keep in mind: when communication is genuine and coming from a normal need for understanding, it plays out in your favour. Nobody who is truly interested in arriving at a common place with you will ever put more and more barriers between you and that goal. Right? If they do that, they’re actually just trying to get you to give up talking and leave them alone, or they’re trying to control you and steer you towards one set-in-stone conclusion they’re never compromising on. Neither of these motives sound like a two-way-road paved with fairness and mutual trust, do they?
The key thing for you to stay strong when you cross paths with unhelpful communicators is: keep your ego under control. Our egos are necessary parts of us, like masks we wear in order to function socially, but if they aren’t under control, they can become enmeshed in our sense of identity. And when that happens, people can take advantage of that weak spot by playing on your ego’s need for approval and victory. It’s a “don’t you want my approval? Well, play by my rules” sort of thing.
However, when you find “your” kind of people, you won’t even need to seek their approval. You will already have it.
Keep in mind your actual identity, ie. that part of you which feels spontaneous. What are you spontaneously drawn to? What are you spontaneously repealed by? Take note of it. Your ego can be a great ally in keeping the people who have what you’re naturally drawn to IN, and the people who only want control over you OUT. But for that to happen, the self must be in control — and the ego at its service, like a slave. When you reach that point in your journey of self-awareness (with or without help), you won’t fall for “do this/don’t do this OR ELSE” statements, because you’ll no longer try to impress the people who have nothing to do with you; And you will start welcoming input only from the people who do have compatibility with who you are meant to be and become.
This is not a matter of who is all-bad or all-good. People come in shades of grey. But the fact is, when you’re a fish, you can’t keep hanging out with monkeys and wondering why you struggle with climbing trees. Go find other fish! Their rules are already ones you live by, without a need for bending over backwards to fit into a standard that maybe you weren’t born to uphold.
