When the shoe fits… (Pills of Wisdom #2)
This tells you a lot about the person who “put on the shoe”.
This popular saying has to do with the tale of Cinderella. Specifically, when the prince finds out who she is because the glass slipper she left behind at the castle after the ball wouldn’t fit anyone else. Originally, if you think of the fairytale itself, this had a positive subtext: if it wasn’t for the glass slipper fitting Cinderella’s foot, she would never have been reunited with the prince. We love it. We cheer for her. We stan.
In popular language, though, (in English, to be specific) the fitting of the shoe has acquired a darker undertone: revealing the “secret flaws” someone had been hiding. Isn’t it? That’s the meaning we tend to imply when saying “if the shoe fits you, put it on”.
What if I told you that this popular meaning makes sense in relation to Cinderella’s tale? At first impression, it looks like there is no connection between them, but let’s take a deeper look at it:
Let’s reimagine Cinderella as someone who does not consent.
This is an interesting exercise in imagination, because when you read the tale, it is implied that she definitely consents [to being reunited with and marrying the prince]. Right? Otherwise, she would make up some excuse and *not* try on the shoe. Instead, she went ahead and tried it on. It was her decision, out of her own free will. Nobody was forcing her to do that. If anything, her stepmother and stepsisters tried to stop her from doing it. So, Cinderella from the original tale consents. Period.
Let’s now imagine an alternative version of Cinderella. A parallel story “in the multiverse”, if you will. This is the version where she doesn’t consent, but someone forces her to try on the shoe anyway (and you can let your imagination run wild on “why” would people arrange her marriage with the prince or cause her to go to the ball).
In this alternative tale, would Cinderella become resentful of the people who forced her to reveal her secret identity against her will?
I bet she would.
This is exactly the same reaction people have when they think someone is trying to reveal their flaw which they’d rather keep hidden. Hence, “the shoe fits”.
This is why, when we take something personally, we automatically project and blame others for “exposing us” — when in fact it is we who did the exposing on ourselves.
After all, you could just as well have chosen not to try on the shoe.
Whenever someone accuses you of “calling them envious” just because you shared an interesting scientific study on envy with them… Chances are they’re willingly putting on the shoe and and doing this kind of projection. And it tends to be true: indeed, the person *admits* to be envious and *admits* to be ashamed of it, and *admits* to be trying to suppress or hide that shadow — but instead of *actually hiding or suppressing the shadow*, their anger for being “accidentally exposed” speaks louder, and this is why they lash out at the innocent friend who maybe didn’t even know about this flaw and just wanted to share something interesting in the first place.
After all, if you share the exact same study with a different friend who *does not feel guilty about the envy they may or may not harbor in their life*, they won’t lash out in the same way. They probably won’t lash out at all. They’ll just take it literally and say “cool study” or “these scientists have made a nice discovery” or whatever else. The conversation stays on an impersonal level when there is no shadow to uncover on either side. And even if there is, in the absence of guilt, it’ll still stay impersonal. It’s guilt that triggers this kind of panic response.
The same is valid for occasions involving other kinds of sensitive topics: for example, if you mention a piece of news about a celebrity who suffered domestic abuse with someone who feels guilty about abusing their own partner, chances are they’ll say you’re “indirectly accusing them” of something… When in fact, there is no way to prove indirect accusations. They’re the kind of thing we can either take in or NOT take in, and ultimately we have full control over “putting on the shoe”.
Someone who doesn’t feel guilty about abusing others will just look at the tragic news and commiserate or talk about similar stories they’ve heard about, or whatever. Their instinct won’t be to go straight to “oh my god, how dare you accuse me”, ya know? That’s choosing not to put on the shoe.
There are people who aren’t even truly guilty, but feel guilt over things they didn’t do (and probably are victims of a narcissist who planted the belief in them) — these people will equally “lash out” at your “indirect accusation” whenever you share with them something that accidentally resonates with a shadow of theirs you didn’t know about.
After all, as I already said, it is guilt, not necessarily “truth”, that triggers this kind of maladaptive response in people. And what I want you to take home with this article is that you’re not to blame for it. You couldn’t have predicted it. It can be annoying, but the only thing you can do is move on and hope the other person also moves on in the best way they can.
