Why I love oracle work so much…
AKA, my story (I guess)
This is a very personal (vulnerable, even) article. One that, being 100% honest with myself, I’m a little scared of writing and publishing. It’s not that the topic is a secret — I mean, come on, if you know me here at all (or even outside of here), YOU KNOW I give off oracle vibes. I’m pretty open. The pen name I use here is just to keep both lives separate because I’ve had bad experiences in the past with oracle seekers finding the “everyday me” and stalking. But it’s not like I’m keeping a secret, other than protecting my privacy.
The reason I’m a bit hesitant with this article is… I could be talking about literally any of the things that make me happy, and I’d feel the same. I have an unfortunate history of attracting envious people into my life — and you know how envious people behave, they try to kill your joy, turn you into a bland person as miserable as them, paint your life grey… All of that under the pretense of “humbling”.
Funny how everyone wants to humble me. Where are the people who think I do in fact deserve a place under the sun? Nowhere? Oh, wow! I must be worse than Hitler then! Zero supporters, seriously? Or… Actually… It could be that the people in my life are simply envious. Because when you’re envious, you don’t give a damn about empathising with the person you envy. You don’t want her to grow, to thrive… “Her? Thriving? Pfffff! Gimme a break!”, you think. “She’s already perfect and has the most ideal talent and doesn’t deserve it, and it should not be her, it should be me, so I want her to suffer”.
Oh!
So, IT IS envy.
This used to bother me a lot. But now, no longer. Now I’m like, “oh, it’s me against the world? All alone? That must mean I’m powerful 💅”.
Stay mad, bitches.
The above is, of course, only for the bitches who haven’t learned about abundance, and instead think life is one big competition. I pity them.
The innocent bystanders can keep reading.
My story so far…
…Starts in early childhood, of course. I’m highlighting here the common themes that relate to the oracle calling, but this is a big picture I’m only seeing now. I used to think I had no particular talent or mission — but in fact I hadn’t noticed these OBVIOUS signs throughout my life. Maybe you can read this and think of your own life, and whether you could have a similar thing going on (a very obvious vocation you still haven’t noticed). It’s pretty common! I’m not special for it, a lot of people have this too — this “oh! Oh my god!” moment in adulthood when they find their sense of purpose in the world and it’s obvious in retrospect. I hope it happens to all of you soon. :)
So, as a child, here are all the overarching signs I had a latent potential for oracle:
- Premonitions: this is actually very common and a lot of “regular” people have premonitions without having a specific oracular calling. Mine were… interesting, though. I didn’t just foresee big things in my life (usually in dreams; but occasionally in visions during the day), I also predicted really boring and unremarkable stuff in the future. For example, I once predicted a show I casually saw on TV would get cancelled soon; had a vision of a specific notebook (down to the brand, exact colour and other small features in the cover) that I would be using many years into the future (as an adult) in one of my jobs; predicted boring school trips to local museums, etc. So, yeah, both short term and long term; both exciting and not, good and bad.
- Advising adults: since very small I would “play” advisor to the adults around me, and my childplay actually yielded results so they started trusting me to some extent. For example, I would out of nowhere “talk to the woods” and find the exact medicinal herb someone needed for upset stomach or muscle pain or whatever. I won’t mention for the zillionth time how the abusive adults in my life started exploiting me for their own benefit with that; Which probably inspired their habit of wanting me “all for themselves” and isolated from everyone else… Because I’ve already told you the story in older articles, but yeah, it’s because of my unexplained spirt work as a child — which I now understand was oracular.
- This one is more specific, but I was friends with the sun. Again, childplay. I would “talk” to sunlight as if it was a person. Today I understand it wasn’t wrong at all (I just conceal it better, as not everyone does it, so people don’t understand it).
- I felt spirits and had a particular affinity with “the natives”. Thing is… some of them were in the present at the time (the Native American; Because I lived in South America), but other visions of spirits were future (the Picts — native to this part of the world I’m currently in). And I just thought they were all around me at the same time; couldn’t tell present from future (a very oracular problem, lol).
- Affinity with well-known oracles: as a toddler (yes, THIS early) I learned about tarot and runes and felt really drawn to them. What dissuaded me from exploring these oracle systems was my mother’s prejudice (which I now understand wasn’t really prejudice; She just didn’t want me to learn anything by myself or “surpass” her with the Occult. She practised it too. But she wanted me all for herself. Cheers to my first encounter with an envious person). I did eventually smuggle some tarot home because it came with a teen magazine, and I remember how I would study the cards and do some basic readings and feel so good. I’d sleep with them under my pillow also, for the vibe.
Teenage years: I ignored it and it didn’t go away.
As a teenager, I learned to suppress many facets of my curse (I don’t call it a gift. Sorry to disappoint but it ISN’T a gift. Stop envying me, lol), among other reasons, because things got so much worse at home with my parents going through a divorce, and mother becoming even more paranoid than she already was with “witchcraft”. She kept provoking her mother-in-law, who would then retaliate (yes, both sides were into this kind of thing, albeit different traditions)… So I went like “Allright… I want none of this Occult shit anymore. I just want peace. Imma be an atheist, k, bye”.
However… Some of my oracleness (is that a word? It is now) included things I never noticed had to do with it. For example: I’ve always had the mindset of looking for what’s real — no matter how painful or difficult.
It was no different at school. Oh, boy. I had everything to become one of the popular girls… But did I? No. Because I chose not to. I’ve always had this “knack” for seeing through people, and I saw right through the popular kids. I wanted none of what they had, since it was fake and skin-deep. The urge to differentiate myself from them got even stronger because, subconsciously, I was fighting my own instinct to avoid seeing through my mother (or else I’d end up having to move, underage and scared as fuck). So I suppose I sort of took my frustration out on the popular kids at school. And of course, this made me one of the weirdos.
Teenage me certainly wished she was normal. As any teenager does. But how could I POSSIBLY, when I literally see through people against my will?
I’ll make a dumb analogy: imagine if you saw through makeup. Would you look at someone who hides a skin condition really skillfully and say, “aw no sweetie, I’m so sorry. I hope your skin condition gets better”? Probably not, because it’s mean, right? It makes the person think (and probably panic) that they didn’t do a very good job with the makeup; When in fact, yes, they did. But you can’t help having the superpower of seeing through makeup. And if you told anybody, they wouldn’t believe you. They’d laugh at you.
Now translate that to seeing through people’s very skillfully crafted “social masks”. It’s not that they’re bad people or unredeemable, and it’s not that they’re hiding their shadows badly, and it’s not even that I have any clue what they think in their heads… I just can’t help seeing through their facades anyway. Constantly. And I can’t turn it off. Maybe this woman is angry but pretending to be calm, that man is proud but pretending to be insecure, that other person is excited and pretending to be sad, etc. I don’t know what they’re thinking, but I know their feeling, and I know when the facade doesn’t match up.
I’ve gotten better at ignoring what I perceive, growing up; But I still have a long way to go, because something about me lets it out, and this is how I still, to this day, keep losing friends because I freak them out. It could be a horrified or disgusted microexpression of mine or something. I don’t really know. I guess I’ll learn to deal with it in due time.
The point is: in order to run away from external problems, I suppressed who I was and what came easy to me. This made me a very miserable teen / young adult, and I couldn’t understand why. I’d look at other women around me all pursuing what made them happy, and I tried out some of these things with them — from sports to whimsical fashion to cosplay to cooking… and a myriad of other things — but I could never feel what they felt. The exhilaration, the sense of belonging… It was all beyond my grasp.
Adulthood: from cults to confidence.
So, in 2018, roughly 10 years after I started suppressing my curse and pretending it didn’t exist… I had a bit of a, uh, I guess, “awakening”.
I don’t like the word “awakening” in that context. I’ll rant about it in another article.
In fact, I just decided, out of the blue, to stop ignoring the “invisible forces” that gave me insights. Some of them were spirits. Some of them were deities. It’s a long story and that’s not really the topic for today, but just know that it was a wild ride. I didn’t know where to turn for guidance. “Do I just blindly trust the newage crowd and see what happens? I can’t just turn around and start relying on my family again, despite holding legit traditions…”
Luckily, I met… Let’s just say some people (I don’t feel like dropping names here)… And these are people I still know to this day. They knew what they were talking about in terms of spirit work, so we became casual friends and started talking a lot. The thing is, their traditions are specific. They’re not my thing. Nothing against them! Just not my thing. Not what I am meant to go for. They were still helpful for making sense of a bunch of phenomena I experienced, but ultimately these people were limited in what they could help me with.
I’d have to roll my sleeves and go look for guidance in the wild.
…And this is how I got into a dangerous cult of the Neopagan variety; And later on, of the Astrology variety; And much later on, of the [newage, not really traditional] “Buddhist” variety.
I went to Greece, guided by this strong intuition I had, and met a god who introduced me to the oracle path (yes, a deity. We meet in dreams sometimes)… Almost got myself into a Hellenist cult and ANOTHER fake “Buddhist” cult (but thankfully I dodged a bullet).
Here I am now.
The takeaway, I suppose, is: don’t settle for dodgy groups. Walk alone. It’s safer than you think. Don’t listen to the people who say “but you have to join some kind of tradition” — no you don’t. You can, but you don’t “have to”. There is no “should” or “have to” in this equation. Usually, these people are recruiters to cults. Nothing is urgent with regards to spirituality. Take your sweet time.
Anyway, I’ve become a bit of a lone wolf, and I couldn’t be happier. Life is slowly becoming more enjoyable, even though I have made zero changes to my secular job, or chosen family, or house, or anything material ever since the so-called “awakening”. The only change was with regards to spirituality: I’m on my own for that.
I no longer have visions or receive insights at inconvenient times (because I’m no longer fighting it, instead embraced it, and practise every month).
That feeling of butterflies in the stomach and excitement that makes me wanna giggle? I CAN FEEL IT NOW! I can finally feel it. And it wasn’t gonna come from a “normal” hobby — not even music, which, mind you, I actually thoroughly enjoy — it comes from the oracles.
When I say oracles, it isn’t just mine. I feel all warm and fuzzy even if I’m watching someone else give a reading. And this could be any kind of reading, from tarot to runes to i-Ching to ngoma and buzios and trance work. It doesn’t matter. I feel at home when I’m experiencing all of it.
I’ve taken to just casually watch these rituals even if I’m not looking for anything specific, just because it feels good to be there. That’s what the “other girls” must have felt with fashion and sports and other things, I suppose.
I hold a crystal ball when I’m relaxing or meditating. I could go on and on.
I’ve come to realise I can’t not be an oracle. It’s what makes my soul happy. Not in a twee, out-of-touch-with-reality way… But in the sense that it helps me deal with a curse I didn’t choose to be born with. And it helps me make the most of it.
