Wisdom lies beyond projection, just like beauty lies beyond the mirror.
What our collective vanity says about our current problems
This is one of my chaotic articles. I don’t think I’ve ever revealed it to you before, but there you go: a glimpse into my creative process. Some articles of mine start as pure chaos. Like oracles, they just need to come out or they’ll keep building “pressure” inside me. (Unlike oracles, I’m the author. But that’s a topic for another time). So, this one actually started as a personal frustration with myself: “God damn it”, I said. “Why can’t I stop caring about wisdom? Why is it so hard to let go of the need to be wise, enjoy life a bit, allow myself to close my eyes and ears for just a fleeting moment? Sure you won’t die if you do that, Lucy”.
My ego retorted: “that’s not possible. Noble, but not possible. Maybe just accept your limitation”.
Oof. That was smooth. The ego sometimes pretends to be chill and “compassionate” (LOL yeah right. Compassion is the word. Suuuuure. Try again maybe) when in fact it’s controlling, gaslighting, limiting, holier-than-thou and painfully envious. (VERY similar to some incompetent psychologists and coaches I’ve had in the past. Including the special snowflakes who don’t like me to call them “coaches” because they’re sooo original and unique. That’s how I perceived the above as my ego at all — an ego is an ego is an ego, no matter who displays it, and it’s easier to see in others first. Take note, and you’ll be able to do the same). Back to the story time:
I replied “oh yeah? Explain to me then, why the shackles of the beauty industry don’t imprison me? I’m free in one area, which by your definition is not achievable”.
Ego: “…”
Me: “Exactly. Shut up. You’re useful for other things, not this reflection”.
It obeyed. Another tip on dealing with the ego: it starts obeying, not as a result of meditation or mysticism — like many people, myself in the past included, assume — but as a result of something a lot more mundane: friendship. I’m friends with my ego. It listens when I want it to shut up because I’m not ALWAYS telling it to shut up. There are many instances when I feel as if I was saying “ego, come here. I need you”, and that’s in fact true. For example, when enforcing boundaries against self-proclaimed “saviors” who are in fact self-serving and (knowingly or not) behaving abusive against me. The thing is… a lot of people don’t like admitting that, DO THEY? “I need my ego sometimes”. Oh, no, what a heresy! What will the spiritual community think? *wink wink* There’s food for thought here.
The thought evolved from a frustration with myself, to a more detached and curious reflection about freedom vs prisons. Indeed, I concluded, I never got neurotic about beauty — not even with the unrelenting pressure from my mother to buy into her own beauty neurosis, all these years we lived together. By the way, I’ve given up trying to be kind to her. Sorry. Feel free to crucify me for that but it is what it is. I’m not even angry or sad or frustrated at her anymore. I’m just utterly unable to come up with something… even tiny… anything at all… that she EVER taught me which can be considered “helpful”. I can’t. Everything that came from her was harmful. EVERYTHING. It’s remarkable really. It’s awe-inspiring. How can anyone be so extremely, consistently, utterly wrong? I don’t think even Trump is that wrong. Not even Hitler. I can find teeny tiny good things they said if I reach very far. But with her… *sigh*. How can it be so extreme that in order to even extend her the benefit of the doubt, I need to gaslight myself to extreme extents like I used to do? I have no words. Very remarkable. But I digress.
I wondered why. It’s certainly amusing. Why is the whole concept of beauty (physical or not) so unimportant for me?
Well… I used to think it was because I was “not like other girls”. That was my teenage go-to response to the question. But soon in life I realised how silly it was to connect it to a gender stereotype. Men, and all genders in fairness, can also be super vain with their looks. It’s just in different ways.
So, gender theory is not it. What is it then? Why do I have an easy time with beauty? Where did I take that from?
My first instinct was to say, “well, it’s no wonder I do, because I’m not left to my own devices in the world when it comes to beauty”.
Here’s what I mean by that: yes, Capitalism can get excessive, and we all know the consequences; but on the flip side of that coin, there’s ample choice available. For example, if western clothing doesn’t fit me quite right, I can buy from Asian brands (I’m a bit shorter than average). I’m not stuck having to spend extra money with alterations or extra free time — which I could be using for activities I actually enjoy — learning to make my own clothes. That detail may sound insignificant to you or others, but for me it matters. It means I am not without help. It means there’s a way out of this comfort zone of mine (which makes me suffer but is nonetheless comfortable) whereby I cause things to happen, I have too much control, I’m too alone, and can’t rely on anyone or anything external to do meaningful things for me.
With wisdom… It’s different, isn’t it? I tried relying on others, many times in fact. But somehow, no matter where I go, how much or how little I spend on them, all I find is people who pretend to care but in fact are just parrotting the same old clichés, low-effort platitudes, and cheap moralism. The amount of money and time I wasted trying to find a role model out there in the world would probably buy me a car and expensive holidays somewhere. I’m not exaggerating. So, it wasn’t lack of trying.
It’s as if (making a dumb comparison here, just to drive the point home) whenever I looked for clothes to wear, the shops would catfish me, regardless of how many people reviewed the items before my eyes. Imagine that! Imagine always ending up with something that couldn’t be fixed with alterations but was actually, IDK, the size of my thumb, or the size of a building — THAT LEVEL of “wrong fit” for me. Something so impossible to use “as is” that if I were to create a garment out of it, the result would be unrecognisable.
So no, it’s not as facile as saying “oh, you’re just picky, Lucy. You have high standards”. Bitch, this goes way beyond nitpicks. Anyone in my shoes would see how emotionally neglectful others act with me. I WISH it was just a few nitpicks here and there. I’m always left with NO choice but to rough it on my own 100%. And I’m always left wondering if:
A) I’m really THAT hard to guide or THAT unusual, to warrant everyone getting it wrong, or…
B) I have been cursed, and the competent, hard-working people who do exist out there are somehow always out of my reach.
Sometimes I fantasise about being super mega rich just so I could announce that I’m willing to pay a billion euro to whoever actually makes an effort to help me psychologically and/or spiritually, but only AFTER they prove they did it, and no guarantees otherwise. (But that’s just a silly fantasy. If I had that kind of money, I’d spend it on community projects. I know myself, lol). Still, you get the idea.
I feel powerless. That’s why, when I get disappointed with other people’s guidance, it hurts so much; And conversely, when and if I get disappointed with a piece of clothing or makeup or spa treatment, I just shrug because “it isn’t ALWAYS like that. The scams only happen sometimes”.
But am I “naked”, though? Or am I just searching for something external to fill a void within me?
Here’s the catch. This is the insight that made me take my recent reflections out of the journal and in fact write this article.
Still keeping with the clothing metaphor — most people who struggle with the pressure from beauty standards and fitting in and all of that jazz are in fact not naked. They DO have something to wear out already. It’s just that this existing something isn’t deemed “good enough” for the current trend, whatever it is. And I’m not above that, I’m another victim of the same thing. I’m not and never were model material, and I repeat clothing/makeup/etc like crazy. I just don’t personally care, whereas these other people do.
So, although it might feel like a problem that needs to be urgently solved, it isn’t all that urgent for them. It’s almost as if the problem isn’t the problem. The real problem is what’s underneath what they’re seeing as “the problem”.
Urgency is a key word.
If you need clothing URGENTLY, that means you’ll be forced to go out naked in case you don’t find anything. Few people have that problem, especially with how many things fast fashion discounts and discards today.
…But a lot of people behave as though they had that problem. They jump from one beauty solution to the next, without allowing their bodies and minds any time to rest or recompose or rethink; Without the patience to wait for the perfect item to pop up on the market because “I need to fix this right now, it’s bothering me too much”. It’s neuroticism, like the following video explains:
Meanwhile, the reason I apparently “don’t have an urgent problem” with finding fashion for me is I’m not acting neurotic with it. In fact, people sometimes ask me where I found this or that item that suits me so well, and they get surprised when I say “oh, it’s by this Korean brand here, 2008 collection if I’m not mistaken”. And they go like, “whoa, does clothing last that long?”. Well, no, in fact it doesn’t all by itself, especially when we’re speaking of affordable items, but it can if you mend it and wash with care — something I seemed to already know in general terms before Bernadette Banner said it.
There are other things in life we can learn to “mend and wash with care”, aren’t there?
There are cases when the problem isn’t exactly in maintenance, because there’s no way you can maintain the imperfect person, situation, or item for long and stay sane — so in these cases, the solution is actually just in finding that ONE NEW thing you weren’t looking for but you know works perfectly for your needs. Serendipitous moments like that can only happen if you’re not frantically chasing them. I have a few beauty items that fit this category, including some expensive ones, but I saved up for them (“or similar”, as I usually say), they weren’t impulse buys. And for something NOT to be an impulse buy, you first need to address the underlying need that is making the lack feel like an urgency.
The same reasoning above can be applied to health and fitness (aka your actual body, not just the things you adorn it with) but I’m preparing a separate article for that. Stay tuned.
This got me thinking, though: am I behaving as if psychological and spiritual self-improvement was urgent for me and I couldn’t live another day without it?
The answer is a big resounding “yes”.
There could be many causes to that, including the most obvious — the fact I don’t wanna end up like my mother — but I’ll uncover them in due time. For now, I guess I should just make peace with having flaws; Even if these flaws “jump out in the mirror” to me whenever I look into myself, and they seem like they’re bigger and uglier than the flaws other people have. For example, I often catch myself in a comparison mindset, trying to be like other spiritualists, trying to find inside me the ability to stop being sassy or impatient or immature in other ways because “what kind of oracle am I, what the fuck — look at others having an easier time with this whole love and kindness thing”.
In truth, though… I can only go as far as I am already going. It may seem unfair that other people have it easier (apparently) because they’re (apparently) more privileged than I in the upbringing department, but it’s not like I can get an eraser and rid myself of the problem immediately. Yes, it feels like a big problem, a huge deal right now. Maybe others in my shoes would be more chill, but I can’t — here’s another limitation.
However, with or without this struggle, I am where I am. It’s not that bad. It’s not like I’m totally “naked” of belonging or connection or warm fuzzy feels. I sometimes get these, they’re fleeting moments but I treasure them.
Here’s to more of that.
